I know the answer, but I need backup!!

[imamama]

Wedding realted, of course! So if you're not interested, you can skip ahead! LOL

So here's the situation...
dd will be Flower Girl and Maid of Honor. Have my two best friends as bride's maids.... but, one has been extremely flaky lately. I know she's very busy, and going through some emotional things, but she's pretty much cut me out unless it comes to something to do with our dd's. Before DF, we would go out some on weekends, just the girls, we had fun, but for the time being, I'm over that. Mainly b/c it's all for a man-hunt, which obviously, I don't need!!! She's been a good friend, and she treats dd as her own, but lately, I can hardly get a return phone call out of her. She had a wreck 2 weeks ago, flipped her car and her dd was in the car!!!!!!!!!! She says she fell asleep at the wheel, but I know better, She'd been drinking, picked her dd up and wrecked. When I took dd to school the next day and one of the teachers told me, I couldn't even keep it together. Called her dd over to me and just sat down on the playground and hugged her for what I know had to be at least 15 minutes. And her dd burrowed into my lap, to get comfort. This poor child was so traumatized. She's not the most affectionate child, but she does know when she's with me, she's safe, if friend gives her the option of staying with me or her grandma or dad, she chooses me, even if Reece isn't here (this mainly happened with the last job when I could work from home).

Sorry so long, but felt I needed to give some background info. Any-hoo, the only person I've invited to the wedding that's not family or wedding party is a friend I've had since 6th grade. We're not as close as we used to be, but whenever we do talk on the phone or get together, it's like no years have passed. I love her dearly, and the only reason I didn't choose her to be a bride's maid was b/c I'd been closer lately to the girl I mentioned above. I'm rethinking the whole thing now! I know friend 2 would be there no matter what it took. I can't say that about friend 1. And I can't have my wedding riding on whether or not she can or decides to show up.

So, the kicker, do I just stop talking to friend 1 about the wedding and have friend 2 set, for sure, as a bridesmaid? Would that be too totally tacky?!! I'm not good at confrontations! I just ordered the b.m. dresses and they came yesterday... the good thing, all 3 girls are the same size, damn skinny bitches!! ROFL, so the fitting wouldn't be an issue. Dd loves them both, but has a special connection with friend 2 that's very rare for dd. The way she acts around friend 2 is the same way I do, she's a part of the family, and f2 is sooooooooooo attentive to dd, she comes over and the two of them disappear in dd's room! It's wonderful! It's one of the things I love most about f2, she is to dd, the same way she was to me when we were kids, if that makes any sense at all?!!! She's the epitomy of "Aunt-ism"!! LOL

So like I said, I know the answer, f2 should and deserves to hold a bridesmaid spot. But how to I get around f1?

(the really ironic part is my "main" b.maid is my friend who lives in Canada, and I know she'll be there even if she has to walk from Toronto to FL!)

BTW - what set off this line of thinking is that we were going camping this weekend and I called f1 to see if her dd could go with us, both for dd and so she could have a free weekend, I never heard word one back from her. That's the type of things that keep happening. I'm okay if you break plans with me, but don't do it to our dd's b/c it's an inconvenience to you, that's just not fair.

[Amy]

I think there could be jealousy here. If you two were good friends before df and all of a sudden she is out of the loop when it comes to your attention, then she prob. has hard feelings. You have a great guy and she is still living the "old" life. I think she feels like she was dumped as soon as you found a guy.

Before you commit f2, you really need to sit down with f1 and find out what is bothering her. You don't need to confront, but ask her if she is upset with you for any reason and then explain why.

[imamama]

Good points. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone. But I can't see how she could feel I dumped her or moved on. I call her all the time, invite them over, even tried to plan she and I going out to dinner, etc. I wish I could sit down and talk to her, I try, she just never calls back when I try to plan something. There are several things going on with her that I'm worried about, and she knows I'm not preachy and I've never once laid judgement on her, heck, before df, we were the queens of picking the wrong guy!!! So she knows I know where she's coming from and where she is at the moment. I'm going to try again about the bride's maid stuff. I told her I was ordering it and she could pay me whenver, which I truly meant, I'm in no rush, it was $34 including shipping! But I guess if we are ever able to hook up face to face, I'll ask her to make sure she's planning and budgeting for the wedding. I've always given her the opt-out choice if money was tight, I'm just afraid with it being over a year away, she'll forget about it!!! I think I'm just freaking out about a ton of different things right now and I need to go somewhere and meditate!!! LOL

[AnnW]

Why not have all 3? Ask friend 2 and if friend 1 bales, no biggie.
Have you gone to see her since her wreck? How is she doing?
I realize too that the wedding is out of town so there is some advance planning, but she might be thinking "it's a year away, why all the rush??"

[vea29]

I think it could be many things, but I would sit down with her and say...If there is any reason why she doesn't want to do it, let you know. It may not be the money. It may be where she is emotionally. With every thing going on in her life, she may not be able to get excited about it...JMO. If been there before....you what to be excited for your friend but you just can't.

I would just make sure she nows that you are ok with whichever she chooses. She may feel obligated to be in the wedding cause you ask. That's how I ended up in a wedding that cost me $300 because my one of friends bm's bailed out. Just be open with her...Sorry if I'm babbling.

[imamama]

Talk about coincidences, f1 called me yesterday and we were actually able to catch up a little bit and are getting together Wednesday evening. I'm still going to give her an out, so she doesn't feel obligated, but in our conversation, she seemed excited about the wedding. She's finally finished with school and just got a new job, 1st shift, so she'll finally be working normal hours (7:30-4:30 as opposed to 11a-11p), which is great for her and her daughter. Plus, I think our friendship will have a better chance of getting back on track now that she'll be home in the evenings.
Thanks for listening, and for the advice!!!

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by imamama
She's finally finished with school and just got a new job, 1st shift, so she'll finally be working normal hours (7:30-4:30 as opposed to 11a-11p), which is great for her and her daughter.

I'm guessing her work schedule was probably a big part of the 'problem' - crazy hours, plus trying to be a parent and date, have time to herself, etc.
Hope you guys get this figured out when you get together. :)

[imamama]

Yep, her work hours were a major part of the problem. She's up way later than I am, plus she worked weekends at the former job. I feel certain that our friendship will get back on track.
Thanks!!!

[Melody]

Um, Amy - I don't know just how to say this but being a future bride is very exciting and full of moments where you feel it's not going to go right. And it's very easy to get caught up in all the planning and talking about nothing but the upcoming event to friends. Who can get tired of hearing about it and don't know how to say so, especially if she's in the wedding party. Case in point, my dh's younger sister asked me to be her matron of honor. And then she drove me nuts! I mean, I really began to avoid her because I knew it would be about the wedding and she started making comments to me that she obviously did not think about fully and those comments really ticked me off. It took me a while after the wedding to get over it to be honest. I love her dearly but she really did drive me crazy. So I was wondering if you think that too much of your conversations revolve around your wedding and if she can afford it and why worry or freak over details when it's not until next year? I really don't know if that is the case and not saying that it is or isn't, haven't got a clue, but thought that I would ask since I really wish someone would have asked my sil at the time! lol It would have helped me if they had because I just was so afraid that she would take me as unenthusiastic or supportive that I didn't say anything to her. Anyhow, I just thought I would give you the opportunity for your friendship sake to think back and see if maybe that is the case for you too. Good luck. And I really hope this came out okay and not bitchy or preachy because getting excited and talking about the wedding with friends is great, as long as you talk about other things as well.

[imamama]

I completely understand what you're saying and why you're saying it! And I've been in situations like that, too. But it really isn't the case with this friend. The whole thing that got me started worrying is that we haven't been able to get together or even talk on the phone in forever. And I'm not really talking about it much to anyone besides df b/c everything isn't finalized yet. I almost never just bring it up in a conversation unless someone asks me how the planning is going or what new ideas I've come up with.
With this one friend in particular, there's so much going on in her life, and she's been having a really hard time with lots of things lately, that when we are able to talk, I mainly listen to what she needs to vent about and offer suggestions, advice and encouragement as she needs.
I do appreciate it your comments and I know you made them with the best intentions and weren't trying to be bitchy, preachy or judgemental!! Thanks!!!!! We have so much to catch up on that when we do get together tomorrow evening, I doubt much of the conversation will focused on the wedding. She needs to get a lot off her chest and she knows I'm always supportive and there to listen to her. At least that's what she tells me all time!!! :)

[imamama]

Originally posted by Melody
why worry or freak over details when it's not until next year?

The reason I'm worrying (not-so-much freaking out) about things when it's still a year away is b/c everything I've read and have heard from friends says the earlier you start planning, the better and easier it is. I want to get most all of the details hammered out now so I'm not stressed about it at the last minute. Especially since I'm having it in another state!!!! I started the planning stage right after we got engaged in the middle of May and just now found my coordinator and the place we're going to have the ceremony and reception. I went through countless coordinators/planners who couldn't accomodate what I wanted, or wouldn't listen to what I said I wanted and would give me quotes, etc for things I'd never mentioned, even after providing very specific details as to exactly what I had in mind. AND, another reason I've started doing this now is so we can get the date we've chosen. Some of the coordinators I talked are already booked for our date and the dates before and after it.

When it comes down to it, if I were really the type to who only wanted to talk about my wedding, and make things about me, me, me, wouldn't I have posted every detail of what I have planned so far? The only things regarding my wedding I've posted about are in regards to the issue with my half sister and this post. Oh, and I think I may have mentioned some things I'd made in one of the daily threads. Heck, even my family doesn't really know the details yet, all they know is it's going to be in FLA in Sept. of 2005.

[Melody]

Sorry Amy, I guess that comment could have been taken from me but when I wrote it I was meaning that maybe that is what she is thinking. I was saying that maybe she was rolling her eyes at these kind of things but from your other comment to my post, obviously not. Sorry for the confusion. I know how the wedding planning goes and frankly - glad it's you and not me!;)

[imamama]

Oh, sorry! Misinterpretation on my part!! Gotcha now! No apology on your part needed! And I do appreciate your comments and point of view!

[JAK]

Originally posted by imamama
She had a wreck 2 weeks ago, flipped her car and her dd was in the car!!!!!!!!!! She says she fell asleep at the wheel, but I know better, She'd been drinking, picked her dd up and wrecked.


I know that you have settled some things with your friends and will hopefully get some things straightened out between the 2 of you, but this part of your original post really bothered me. When I started reading that post, I thought maybe you had gotten into a fight with her because you spoke up to her about her drinking and driving especially with her dd in the car. But that's not where the post was going. Anyway, you said she has a lot going on and it seems that drinking must be one of them. I know most people with drinking problems don't want to hear about it from other people, but I sure hope you are able to open her eyes before something bad happens to her little girl. I very well could be assuming that she has a drinking problem, but when you said "I know better" when she told you she fell asleep, it made me believe that this is not the first time she's done this.

I'm tired and I'm probably making more out of this than I should. But growing up with an alcoholic in the house is not fun for any child, I know because I grew up that way. My dad drove drunk with me all the time when I was a kid and I think God that nothing ever happened when I was with him. But there are several other times that he crashed and hurt himself and in the end alcohol is what killed him. I'd hate to see your friend's dd go through that. She's so young.

Off that subject... I hope that in the end your wedding is all that you hoped for and more. I can't believe that we have to wait 13 more months to see pictures! :)

[imamama]

Thanks, Jen. You're heading in the right direction with your thinking. And when I said "I knew better" it's because things like this have happened before, not with her dd in the car, that I know of, but not too long ago, she went to a wedding for a co-worker, she's an x-ray tech at a large hospital, tons of people she works with on a daily basis were there. She drank so much she was on the cusp of alcohol poisoning and passed out cold. Had to be taken to the ER, at the hosp where she works. She called me a few days later and let it all out, how badly she was feeling, how depressed she'd been (which I knew about that and got her to start counseling, but she didn't stick with it), and that she was sick of living her life this way. She started going to AA. She had everyone's support. Her mom went with her, I volunteered to go with her or keep her dd while she went, etc. It seemed to be working for a while. But unfortunately, it wasn't long before she'd slipped back into her same old ways. She had been seeing this guy who was the worst guy ever (in line right behind the one I date before meeting df!). She finally broke it off with him after I broke it off with my loser. She said seeing me do it and stick with it would help her stay away from him. It didn't. Df dropped dd off at school the other morning and @$$hole was in the car. I haven't said anything to her about it, but this guy is bad news. I haven't known what to say to her about the situation. She told me a few months ago she'd seen the guy a couple of times, but they weren't dating. I didn't preach, I didn't know what to say, I was stunned! She knows she can tell me anything and I'll do whatever I can to help her, but she seems to just keep doing stuff to put herself and her dd in jeopardy and I'm at a total loss as to what to do. I'll always try to help her, and I always listen, that's pretty much how our conversations go, she talks, I listen. She said things are turning around for her, but if she's still seeing this guy, nothing will change. Back in Dec. they had a really bad wreck, he was driving, drunk and they both could have been killed. Fortunately (as bad as this sounds) he got the worst of it, was in the hospital for a long time and had 3 major surgeries. She would say things like "he could have taken away dd's mom, he could have killed me and daughter would grow up without me, etc. It seemed at the time she realized the magnitude of the situation, but yet here she is, back in it again. I've spent many nights talking to df about my concerns for here, and I usually end up in tears b/c I feel my hands are tied. I don't know how to help her. it's not going to any good for me to tell her she needs to get away from Mr. Couldn't-be-more-wrong-for-her! She's a grown woman, and I'm afraid that if she feels that I'm going to do nothing but try to get her away from him, she'll stop coming to me. I definitely don't want that, I at least know I'm one voice of reason in her life.
Geez, sorry! Didn't mean to ramble! But you picked up on exactly what's been going through my mind! I just wish I knew a way to truly help her. I'm to the point of asking her constantly if her dd can spend the night so I know she's not around that jerk! I don't say it that way, but that's my exact intention! I know she loves her dd, but she's just really clouded by bad judgement at the moment. Even her mom and dd's father (her ex-h) threatened to take dd away when they found out she was seeing jerk-boy again. Unfortunately, they finally caved and told her it was just a scare tactic to try and make her get away from him. I wish they would have stood their ground and let it progress a little further so maybe would have gottent he bejesus scared out of her and stopped seeing him for good. Oh well, I feel stuck at this point.

[Marla]

OMG.....Amy....is it really you???? How are you girl??? I have been away for a while....but looks like I have some catching up to do....when are you getting married?? That's sooo great! Congratulations to you and Reece (and of course your df).



Originally posted by imamama

(the really ironic part is my "main" b.maid is my friend who lives in Canada, and I know she'll be there even if she has to walk from Toronto to FL!)



Maybe I'll contact your friend from Toronto, and I'll walk on over with her ;)

[imamama]

It's really me!! LOL And I'm really getting married, can you believe it?!! I still can't at times!!! I've missed you so much!!! And you're more than welcome to walk on down with my friend in TO!!! Dd and I were up there for a week at the end of April/beginning of May I was wishing I knew how to look you up!!! I'm hoping we can make it up there again sometime after the first of the year, we'll have to get together!!!!
Thanks for the congrats!! And yep, I think you do have a lot of catching up to do!!!!!!!! LOL Dd is very excited about the wedding and loves df, and he adores her! He's going to adopt her! And after we take our vows, we're going to say some vows to her and give her a ring that looks like mine, then be presented as a family, instead of just husband and wife! It's going to be so neat and so special!!! I wish it wasn't 13 freakin' months away, though!! LOL But we need the time to save up, since we're having the ceremony in FL and then going on a two week honeymoon! You need to email me so we can catch up! new email addy: aimes30@comcast.net

[JAK]

Originally posted by imamama
Geez, sorry! Didn't mean to ramble! But you picked up on exactly what's been going through my mind! I just wish I knew a way to truly help her. I'm to the point of asking her constantly if her dd can spend the night so I know she's not around that jerk! I don't say it that way, but that's my exact intention! I know she loves her dd, but she's just really clouded by bad judgement at the moment. Even her mom and dd's father (her ex-h) threatened to take dd away when they found out she was seeing jerk-boy again. Unfortunately, they finally caved and told her it was just a scare tactic to try and make her get away from him. I wish they would have stood their ground and let it progress a little further so maybe would have gottent he bejesus scared out of her and stopped seeing him for good. Oh well, I feel stuck at this point.

You really needed to get that out! (and you weren't rambling) There really isn't anything you can do for her. If she doesn't think there's a problem, she won't do anything to fix it. You can help her dd though. Do you know her dd's dad or her mom. Talk to them about what's going on. One of them may be the only ones to help her dd until she is able to see things more clearly (without the loser bf and all the drinking). Good luck to you, it sounds like you are being a very good friend.

[imamama]

Thanks very much for listening, and you're right, I did need to get it out. The bad part is her x, dd's dad is a big loser. He's got a major drinking problem, too. When they split, he went on a huge bender, quit his job and so on. She and her dd stayed with us after they split up and he would come by in the middle of the night banging on the door. One night, I was in my bed, she and her dd were in their bed and my dd was sleeping in the LR, I woke up to some one pounding on the LR windows and I FREAKED b/c dd was right there. It didn't dawn on me at first that it would be him, since I was dead asleep. I woke her up and she looked out her window and saw it was him. I called the police and got a restraining order. They moved out right after that, thankfully. Not something I wanted dd to witness or have to go through. Fortunately, dd didn't wake up or get scared b/c of it.
I do know her mom pretty well, but can't decide if talking to her is the right thing or not. I want to do what's best for my friend, and especially her dd, but I can't figure out what that is. I hope that with her getting a first shift job, and having to pick dd up in the afternoon will quell her going out and drinking when she gets off work. As it was, her dd would spend the night with her mom or her ex, so she didn't HAVE to come home. I'm going to try and get her to let dd come over more after school so that maybe she can have time to work through things, but I don't want her to use the time to do stuff she shouldn't, which is what I'm afraid of. Arg! It's so hard to know what to do!!! Again, thanks for listening!!! It has helped me tremendously!

[vea29]

Amy {HUGS} I'm going to have to read it all again when I'm more with it but I wanted to give you a hug...I'm sure it will all smooth out soon.

[Marla]

Amy, I'm so happy for you guys. Sounds like a perfect ceremony for a wonderful new family.

I'm going to definately e-mail you tomorrow so we can catch up

[imamama]

Thanks, Vea! I appreciate the hug! It's much needed!!

Marla, you'd better! LOL