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View Full Version : Can't win for losing



Melody
01-04-2005, 06:30 PM
With some people! Needing to vent here.
Over the holidays we heard a comment or two from sil1 because she wasn't 'invited' to bil's for Christmas Eve. Seems she had her nose out of joint. Well, she lives and hour and half away and there is no way she would have come (she never comes to family events in Ottawa) and has always got an excuse. This was just a small gathering for the few of us who do live here. Who would want to come and then drive home again on Christmas Eve with three little kids? And she wasnt' the only out of towner not invited and no one here thought it was a big deal. She has never come to my kids birthday parties. She's definatley the odd one in the bunch. Anyhow, before Christmas she was calling us and asking if we would go to her town for a skating party if she booked the rink for just family. Great, yes we would go, even the others said yes. She never did book it. (we were all going to chip in for the cost) Fine. Sil2 said that she would like to have a skating party up here, preferably the canal but the rink if the canal was closed. Calls and sil1 said that she won't come but her dh will bring the six yr old dd. UGH! We wanted HER to come, not him but will put up with him if she would come. She said it was too much work to bring twin 1 yr olds. So I talked to her today, why doesn't she come and leave dh at home with twins so she can enjoy the day with us and dd since dh gets all the glory for all the fun stuff with dd (I didn't put it like that but that's the way it is). No, too afraid to drive in the city. Well, drive to my house and I'll drive us in the city in my van. No, doens't think she can keep up with dd on skates!! So why don't you all come? Too much work to get the twins ready and chase them. Well, they have sleds, put them in one. They won't sit for long. Well, neither will my two yr old but they have places to play in the snow when they don't want to be in the sled. No, dh really wants to take her. Of course he does!!! He does ALL the fun stuff with the dd while she keeps herself cooped up with babies. Why should we have to put up with bil when we don't like him??? UGH! Now sil2 is ready to cancell the whole thing and say we will make it for when she can come. Side note here: Knowing her nose was out of joint over Christmas Eve, I invited her along with sil2 for a sliding party on New Yrs E and she came up with excuses not to come then too. Said it was too much to chase them, even though I'm baby proof. Then it was too much to pack to come. Well, what does she think sil2 and I have been doing for the last 12 years???
Thanks for listening, starting to feel better. Feel free for advice on what to say the next time she comes up with too many excuses after her nose is out of joint.

Cathy
01-04-2005, 06:54 PM
Mel--Sounds like she wanted an invite, but she would have turned it down anyway. Kind of frustrating, but I wonder if she just feels left out living farther away. Does she know you don't care for her dh? Maybe she's trying to show him in a good light--having fun with his dd. Sounds like she feels inferior or at least less able to cope with new things. Keep encouraging her though. Maybe you'll get through.

If you were MY sil, I'd hang out with you!! You're easy to be around.

Melody
01-04-2005, 07:05 PM
Cathy, she lives where the 'hubub' was for years. It was us who always had to travel to see family. Now there are three of us who live here with kids and she said that she wishes her kids were closer to cousins. I just don't know what else to say to her. It is frustrating. I think she was coming up with some of these excuses because she was being lazy. She doesn't know we don't like her dh. I think he's controlling and that's why he always gets to do the fun stuff with their dd.

Gee thanks! :biggrin: You are too!

BevJ
01-04-2005, 07:19 PM
I would flat out tell her...we invite you and you don't come, we don't invite you and you get snitty...from now on we won't invite you to anything anymore...take it or leave it, lol. All kidding (or was I? ;) ) aside...I have no real advice. It's a pitty she is missing out on your family gatherings...like Cathy said, you are pretty easy to get along with.

P.S., must have taken you ages to get that vent typed out.

AnnW
01-04-2005, 07:27 PM
She wants it both ways! She wants to be the hostess and she wants to be included. How much does it really hurt to call and invite her. If she doesn't come or sends her dh, what's the big deal, truly?

Cathy
01-04-2005, 07:28 PM
I still think she's unhappy with herself. Maybe she wants you all to make a big fuss over her. I'm not saying that you should. I tend towards Bev's advice then. But maybe it would be good to let her have some control over plans. Give her a long lead time....like have her suggest something for April. Just an idea.

(You may want to know, before you listen to me-- I stink at family stuff. I have steered clear of all but one of my siblings for the past few years.)

imamama
01-04-2005, 08:15 PM
I agree with Cathy's take on SIL, and Bev's advice! I know how frustrating it can be to deal with someone like that... Go ahead and invite them, but don't bend over backwards to try and accomodate her, from the sound of it, no one will ever be able to get her to come to any family gatherings until she's ready to do so. And maybe you should say something about her dh. Gently, though!!!
Good luck, I feel your pain :\

stasee31
01-04-2005, 08:56 PM
poor mel! ((hugs)) She will get over it dont worry about it. Go have fun if she comes good if not oh well tell her she will be missed and let it go. I think she will stop not coming if she knows you are going to do it rather she is there or not. If her DH comes be civil but distant then he wont wanna come without her. LOL.
Ok im just mean that way sorry.

Beth/TX
01-04-2005, 09:51 PM
We have family members that are similar in ways to your Sil. I still invite, knowing that they won't come. That way they can't make a big stink about never being invited to anything.

I know how frustrating it can be. Good luck with it!

Melody
01-04-2005, 10:44 PM
Thanks for letting me vent and all replies. We always invite her, she never comes. I feel for sil2 because this is her twin and she wants her sister to come. We really don't like bil, I like him even less than last year because of stuff he did/didn't do when mil was sick. I would love to see niece. The only time she wasn't invited was Christmas Eve, it was just for the ones here, they all get together in the other town and none of us complain. Good for them! I wasn't the one who didn't invite her to it and I did for New Years and it's just been one excuse after the other. I just might tell her next time that she doesn't sound like she wants to come and get it over with! LOL I will let you know if that stuff ever hits the fan. Poor sil2 is confused and I think hurt over it. Said that she wants to cancel for this weekend and plan another time, doesn't want to have bil at her house without sil. Don't blame her after last year.
Anyhow, thanks!

Bev, I can type fast, especially when my emotions need venting. LOL

JAK
01-05-2005, 09:00 AM
Sounds like she just needs attention to me. You know guilt trip everyone because she wasn't invited and when she is invited complain about all the reasons she can't come so you'll feel sorry for her.

KarlaB
01-05-2005, 09:12 AM
Sounds like she just needs attention to me. You know guilt trip everyone because she wasn't invited and when she is invited complain about all the reasons she can't come so you'll feel sorry for her.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, Jen!!

Melody
01-05-2005, 10:22 AM
Certainly seems that way. It will be interesting to hear what she has to say when sil2 talks to her and cancels.

aztec_judy
01-05-2005, 11:00 AM
Mel, dealing with twins can be hard, (twin grownups that is). How well I know that, since my daughters will be 30 come April.
One has a great hubby that does everything with family in mind. He is just super sil. Can't bragg enough to everyone about him.
The other one, well, lets say he is definitely controling person, has worked at alienating her from family, an make her dependant on him only.
Most of the time its just her that comes to all the events anyways. (he is tooooo good for the rest of us)
Most times we never know : 1: will she make it. 2: will she have gas for the car to make it. 3: will we have to pick her & the kids up. or 4: doing it without her being there.
Its sorta works out half / half of her being there.
And she knows and he knows that we have gotten used to them either showing or not showing; but the invite is always there.
And they only live about 20 miles from each other, the twins that is.
He does know that I tolorate him and am decent with him. And he does knows that its because he is the one that she has chosen to be with.
And I need to stop on this or it could be a novel instead of a reply ... lololol grrrrrrr
I know this doesnt help you much, either. But I wish ya lots of luck with your problem.

P.S. : But they have been together now for 11 yrs and only married for 2 almost 3 yrs. And he did know my feelings before they married.

Diane
01-05-2005, 11:36 AM
Sorry you're having to go through this. No advice... but I hope everything gets worked out though.

Diane...