Making Children Apologize

[Mickey]

Should you make your child apologize when s/he has done something wrong or hurt someone? I just read Amy's post at the old debate board and I must beg to differ. I can see where you would think that forcing a child to apologize could be confused with making them lie, or that there's no point in them saying the words if they don't really mean them, but I think it's simply teaching good manners and that the sincerity will come with maturity. What do you think?

[KarlaB]

I can see both sides here. I read Amy's post last night and found myself agreeing with what she wrote, but I tend to tell my older ds to apologize even if he doesn't want to because I feel like he needs to know that that is the right thing to do when he does something "wrong" - takes a toy, hits his brother, etc. It's not always easy to apologize, but I want him to acknowledge when he has done something(even if unintentionally) to hurt someone else. If I remember correctly from Amy's post she has her child do something nice for the person who was hurt and I do think that is a nice gesture also. So, I am completely wishy washy on this one, huh?? :) Keep the thoughts coming on this one to confuse me more on my own opinion! LOL!

[Amy2]

Karla, I think that you're right on when you want to teach your son that apologizing is the right thing to do, I just think that they will learn the lesson more deeply if they figure it out for themselves. That way, they aren't just doing it "because Mom said so" but because they have figured out that they have the power to make someone that they have hurt feel better. Perhaps it also helps them to stop and think about their actions, and how they affect other people. Just a thought. Amy

[Diane]

I was just wondering how you would handle a situation then if your child did something that wasn't acceptable to another child... how would you GET them to figure it out for themselves? Another question would be, how fair is this being to the child who was hurt? No apology? How would you make things right for him/her? Nothing? I can't help but feel that this would only teach our kids that they don't HAVE to do anything unless they feel like it and
I hate to say this but a lot of children just don't have those kind of feelings. (I've seen some pretty nasty kids) LOL IMHO I feel that an apology SHOULD be made, whether they mean it or want to or not... it's the "polite" thing to do for the other child. If the child isn't made to do something, I can't help but feel that they're going to walk away feeling as if they got away with it... and by letting them, they are. (Unless you dicipline them)

[MK]

I agree with Diane P. There are so many people who grow up without learning to feel any remorse whatsoever for hurting others (ie, criminals, abusers, etc.)I can't help but think that if we don't teach our children the courteous response to a wrong then they can't learn it for themselves. Granted, empathy for others has to be acquired somewhat through natural development, but the correct and polite responses and ways to show that empathy must be taught and learned through those around us. People who grow up in dysfunctional families, for instance grow up thinking it is okay to be rude and insult each other, hit each other, etc. That is all they've known. They don't know what courtesy is. Some parents find it so hard to apologize when they do a wrong that they are unable to teach it by example, so the kids never learn it and also become people who just don't apologize when they are wrong, even if they feel bad about it. Have you ever met or known someone who never apologizes? Maybe a supervisor you've worked for for instance? My boss is a prime example. He never apologizes, but instead will pretend that everything is honky dory, and nothing happened.

[Amy2]

I suppose I should have clarified my position a bit. If my child refused to do anything to rectify the situation, (which has almost never happened, maybe once or twice in his lifetime) I would say "Well, you need to go on a time out and think about this. Please let me know when you have figured something out, because that behavior is NOT acceptable in our family and you know its." I would say to the hurt child "Jane, I can see that you are really hurt by what Tristan said/did. I am so sorry about that. That wasn't nice at all, and I feel really bad for you, and sad that he _______." I would be sure that Tristan witnessed this conversation with the hurt child. I might say "Would you like to tell Tristan how you feel right now?" or "Is there something Tristan or I could do that would help you feel better?"
Yes, it is more time consuming that "Say you're sorry right now", but in the long run I think it teaches problem solving, shows respect for everyone's feelings, and is more honest.
As I said, I haven't had to really deal with him not figuring it out, because this has worked so well for us. But if he were to continue to refuse, I wouldn't power trip and "make" him. I might say well you've lost a privledge tonight, because you know that behavior is not okay." Or simply let it go, because I think in the long run, he would recognize that the behavior didn't get a good result. Now, if it happend frequently I might reevaluate, but so far so good!

[Diane]

I can see where you're coming from Amy but I still think that the child should apologize for THEMSELF... not the parent having to apologize FOR HIM/HER. HE/SHE did the wrong and they should be the one apologizing for it. I guess I've witnessed too many parents who are constantly apologizing for their kids, and the kids never seem to learn anything from it... only that mom or dad will do it. I'm not saying that ALL kids are like this but some are.

[Amy2]

Diane, I think you're absolutely right, parents shouldn't apologize FOR their children. Where I differ from you is that I feel children need to learn how to apologize for themselves SINCERELY rather than by rote. They need to understand why they are apologizing; because they have hurt another person, or have behaved badly. I think if a parent simply said "Oh Jenny, sorry Tristan was rude to you" or whatever, that's letting their child off the hook and doesn't teach them anything but Mom will deal with your problems for you. I was talking more about acknowledging the hurt child, making them feel validated even if my own kid is being unkind.
I believe if parents/teachers start out teaching children how to see how their behavior affects others and allow them to decide what to do to make reparations, kids usually will. It's amazing how innovative they are. Once Tristan had done something hurtful to a friend, and she was crying so I did the "Look at Naomi, how do you think she's feeling right now?" thing, and Tristan says "Sad" and I said "Can you think of something you can do to make her feel better?" and inside I'm just hoping he will do the right thing and apologize, which he does, but he also goes one step further and says "Would you like to play with this?" and he gets her one of his cool toys for her to play with. And it was so great because he CHOSE to be generous with her, and he really thought about what he could do to make her feel better.
I think it's long range parenting. Discipline can mean "to punish" or it can mean "to teach." Personally, I think teaching is better.

[Lynda/WA]

I've been thinking about Amy's (origional) response for a couple of days now. I'd like to make clear I don't see just saying *I'm sorry* should mean the parent doesn't need to sit down and say things like *How would that make you feel*. Yes, you do need to actively make kids aware of how others feel. I thought I had made that point be pointing out how my son would comment on feelings.
But I feel that by making them say *I'm Sorry* even before they understand the concept has a purpose. Here's why. I started thinking about making kids say things they don't mean and realized it reminded me of our former debate on whether children should show respect for adults even if they have no respect for them. The Sir/ Ma'am debate of months ago. At that time it was argued that actions can follow words. Make the words instinctive and the thoughts/actions follow. By showing a respect vocally they don't feel it becomes second nature to be respectful.
Carry that over to this debate. Say the words followed up by thinking of the words. The child says I'm sorry (even before they can mean it) and the parent has them think through their actions. Eventually they two actions are so linked together in their minds that they don't need to be reminded to think about their actions. The brain pattern automatically takes effect. Hopefully they will reach the point where they will think before acting and apologies won't be neccessary.
If you think about it a child that can't feel sorry probably can't step into anothers shoes and think how they'd feel either. In the beginning we are just going through the motions of *How would you feel* until it becomes as instinctual as *I'm Sorry*
I think we can all agree that however the child learns to say I'm Sorry, they should do it. Not the parents.

[Mickey]

Very well put, Lynda!

[Amy2]

Well, once again I must respectfully disagree. I wasn't part of the past thread, but I don't agree that children should be respectful of an adult because he/she is an adult. I think a child should be respectful of an adult because he/she is a PERSON. In my community of family and friends, children are expected to be respectful of everyone,their friends,parents, neighbors...Frankly, my sons teachers are so respectful and curteous of him, that I don't think it would ever cross his mind to be disrespectful of them! He has learned (and is continuing to learn) to be respectful of others regardless of their age, and again, I believe that is better than being false about it.
That said, were he in a situation, say at school or camp where he really didn't like some teacher or leader, it would be expected of him to be polite to that person, because we know that we must be kind and respectful to others. Adult or child. Were he to come to me and complain about the behavior of a teacher or other adult who was being unkind or unfair, I would talk to the adult in question and advocate for him.
One day we were in a very small Deli standing near the door waiting for our lunch to be ready, and this mail carrier grunts "MOVE!" to Tristan and practically shoved him out of the way. My son looked at me like "What the?????" I could not believe how rude this man was, just because my son is a child! I said something like "You could say excuse me!" and looked at Tristan like "Can you believe that? Now, I'm not saying my kid should spit soda at him or yell profanities at him, or even respond at all, but people should be kind to PEOPLE period. And we teach our children by example, not by rote. At least, that's how I think it should be.