help dh wants me back

[Dena]

Last week my husband called me and told me he has missed me and he wants us to get back together. This has blown my life way out of proportion. I am living with my mom now and am hoping to here June 4 if I have the teaching job I have been praying for. He has laid the love on so thick this past week. He calls me writes me, e-mails me, and even got me a little happy and washed my car. He says he realizes how big a jerk he was. I told him I needed a year, to let him prove himself. The reason I say a year is because if God willing I get the job I want I can stay with my mom and save up some money. I can also watch him and see if he can continue to hold his job. I moved last year for him and went through hell. I find that I am happy but nobody that loves me shares my joy. I want to believe him, but I don'ttrust things yet. He mentioned that I need to get him back on my insurance , I guess I am afraid he has intentions are not sincere. I really need some advice. I know that in the end it will be my decision, but I am confused!! I am excited, but deeply scared.

[Amy]

He has cyclical behaviors right? Doesn't it seem that everytime you get back on your feet, he wants into your life? You have said he is always nice when he wants money, but now he wants to get on your insurance. Maybe you haven't gotten perspective yet, but I think he is totally using you. When you had nothing, did he want you then?? Take the job if its offered to you and turn and never look back. Start by taking care of YOU and not judging yourself as worthy by if you have a man in your life or not.

You have a chance on making a clean start. Don't waste it on someone who has done nothing but given you pain!!!

[Amy2]

Stick to your guns, woman! You're on the right road, and you don't need to change courses now. IF (and it's a big if) he still wants you in a year, or more important if YOU still want HIM in a year, you can reevaluate. Don't let him mess you up. You go girl! Amy

[Amy]

The reason why your friends and family do not share in your hapiness is because they SEE the manipulation and your refusal to see things as they really are probably concerns them. Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to wake up before you fall victim to the whole ugly cycle again.

[Diane]

I also hate to be harsh but so far as I've read from your posts... your dh has done nothing but bring you down and depress you. I would LOVE to tell you to go back to him but considering what he's put you through in the past I don't think that would be very good advice.

You once wrote how strong and self assured you use to feel. You mentioned how your doctor had told you to get out of your current situation... and that you would feel much better. I would follow his advice and steer clear of this man.

You've mentioned how you have always given your dh the benefit of the doubt... on more than one occasion and how he has always let you down. When he was out of town he even neglected to call you for 6 days! He never even acknowledged your wedding anniversary... Remember how bad/upset you felt? I'm sorry but that's just not right... He is always expecting you to drop everything for him... which you have done in the hopes that things would change... and every time you've only ended up frustrated and disappointed and depressed because he's let you down over and over again.

You've also mentioned how you've always taken care of him... and how he's NEVER been there to take care of you. How he's always disappointed you... You yourself have admitted that you deserve better than this... You said that if you live the rest of your life alone, at least you wouldn't have to bail him out all of the time. You said that your tired of being hurt all of the time. He even gone so far as to tell you that he wasn't IN love with you... and that you felt the same way... Now tell me... do you want to go back and live with a guy who isn't IN love with you???

Why would you want to go back to living your life like this? Do me a favor and go back and reread every post that you've ever posted regarding you and your dh... refresh your memory a little bit in case you've forgotten. I'm not meaning to be mean/rude or to hurt your feelings but I really think you need to remember everything he's put you through, and then you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want to live? Do you want to go through all of this all over again... He will more than likely drag you back down with him again... and again... and again, until you've got no more to give to him or to yourself. IMHO you need to get on with your life. Worry about yourself and make YOURSELF happy and quit feeling as if you have to take care of him and make everything okay for him all of the time. You are his wife... not his mother. He needs to learn how to deal with his own problems... not expect you to deal with them for him.

The final decision IS yours but I hoping that you think long and hard before making a final decision. IMHO I see absolutely NO reason why you would want/need to take him back. He's got nothing positive to offer you... I'd run as fast as I could... and don't look back! Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I think you needed to hear it. :) I hope you make the right decision...

Diane... :wave:

[Melody]

Very well put Diane. I agree with you 100%

Dena, do you really want to go back to the way things were? I'm sure it is confusing when he comes back with promises but he hasn't kept them before, what has changed so much that he is going to keep them now?

[Mickey]

Dena, you know this isn't right.

You know exactly what he's up to. You are questioning the fact that he wants you to put him back on your insurance. Test him! Tell him you won't put him back on your insurance or give him a dime. Tell him you want to date (with NO SEX) for a year and see him get himself together while you work on yourself. Say these things to him and see if he continues to desperately pine away for you.

[KarlaB]

ITA with everyone else. What has HE done since your separation to work on any of the past issues? How has he changed or hasn't he seen a reason to? What has made him lay it on so thick this week and how long will it last? You have made some steps forward and have to decide if it's worth the risk for him to potentially drag you back down. Are you mentally prepared if you give him another chance only to find out he is just using you again? Worry about yourself right now. You were making it okay without him and you can continue to do it. Continue to live with your mom, go forth with your job plans, don't change what you were doing for YOU. If it's meant to be and if he is serious about wanting the relationship to work, then give it some time before jumping back in. You can still see him if you want to, but have your guard up and take things S L O W! Set up a few guidelines and see if he can stick with 'em.

I think if he serious and genuine about this then:
He won't give you ultimatums. (i.e. "We have to get back together now or never." "If you don't.....(fill in the blank)...then I'm leaving"
He will be willing to give you time you requested.
He will be willing to prove to you that he is stable and ready for this.
He won't ask you for money (or insurance benefits).

Like Diane said, go back and read your old posts. Sometimes once we are away from a negative situation for a while we tend to glamorize the good and forget just how bad things were. Yes, you may miss him and yes, it may feel good to have some of these feelings back again, but is it really worth the potential risk in the long run?

btw - Great post Diane! :thumb:

Be careful any time you see yourself thinking of going "back". Try to focus on moving forward. If he wants to move forward with you, take lots of time. I think you are on the right track alone, but hey, I don't know you. I have been alone for a long time, and sometimes it sounds so good to have the security and affection that you felt in the past. My ex is not the devil incarnate, but he absolutely is not the right person for me, or my mental health, (or my children- at least not on a daily basis). On really bad days, which have finally stopped, he still looked like an option. Then I remind myself that I have moved on, and while my life isn't what I dreamed it would be when I married him, it is mine to choose and build for myself. Good luck with your choices. Make them worthy of you, and of the person you wish to be in the future. Choose from strength- not weakness or loneliness.

[kat]

Dena when I read your thread title I screamed, "NO!" Listen to the advice everyone else has given you. I've given advice to you before. It is true that we don't know you personally, but your pain, confusion, and lonliness comes across even on the computer screen. I wish I did know you, cause right now I think I'd just take you by the shoulders and shake some sense in you. It doesn't sound to me that he really wants you. Instead he wants what he can get from you (insurance). If he's doing so well and making it on his own, trying to keep a job, why doesn't he have his own insurance? If you won't listen to us, then listen to that voice that told you, "I need a year". I think you know what to do, but it's scaring the living s*** out of you. Sorry to be so crude. You can make it on your own. I don't think he can.

[Ryleigh]

I'm with the rest Dena. From your prior and present posts I don't think I would be rushing back to this guy. You are just getting yourself back on your feet and building up your self-confidence. Don't let him push you back down. If he really is sorry he will wait the year you requested and if you turn him down flat, he may be upset but will understand where it is coming from.
Does he really want you back, or your insuranace policy?? Think things through carefully.

Keeping you in my prayers for God to help guide you through this difficult situation. :angel: