the way it sounds

[Dena]

I reread the posts I just wrote today. I do sound scared. All of you that responded helped me to realize I need to be strong. Do I just give up on my marriage? Could he really have changed? What do you think about the year idea? He was so wonderful this past week. I am confused!! I have not forgotten how I felt the past couple of months. My guard will probably not ever go down. I want this to be for real, but I am not sure.

[Ryleigh]

Don't give up totally, but keep your options open. The one year thing sounds approp. to me. Take things slowly and feel it out. We're here for you no matter what you decide. {{{{HUGS}}}}

[KarlaB]

I hope you don't think we have been too harsh or negative. We just don't want to see you hurt or used again. None of us can tell you whether or not you should go back to him, but if you decide to I do think you need to go really slow. If he's for real this time he will accept your stipulations, this good side you've been seeing will last, and he won't need anything ($$$) from you. I can't imagine what you must be going thru and I am sure the prospect of divorce has been very difficult, but please make sure if you go back to him that it's not because the future you once envisioned for yourself dissipated. If you decide not to try things again, don't blame yourself and feel like you "gave up" on your marriage. You said you guys have had a lot of problems and tried working on them for some time with no real effort by him. You were once in love with him and planned to spend the rest of your life with him, so I think it would be very difficult right now for anyone in your situation to resist this "new" man, but keep your guard up and look out for YOU! Look at the advances you were making on your own and remember how good it felt to make those steps forward.

You can be and deserve to be happy again. You made some great progress on your own and you can get thru this. Have faith in yourself! Give it some time and if it's meant to be he will still be there waiting for you if/when you are ready. Hang in there!!! {{hugs}}

[Mickey]

After all those posts, it still sounds to me like you're still wanting to go back.

I still say stick to the year of dating without sex (for two reasons--to keep you from getting too emotionally attached/committed and to prevent an unwanted pregnancy) and do not help him with insurance or give him a penny. If you do that, you will see how sincere he really is. If he's truly sincere, he will HAPPILY agree to your conditions. If he doesn't, you KNOW where you stand. It's as simple as that.

Regarding people changing...it's been my experience that people simply do not really change unless they:

1. find God.

2. have a near death experience.

or 3. are hit in the head with a blunt object and lose their memory of who they are (like Harrison Ford in that movie "Regarding Henry").

Usually, when people appear to change, it's just that--an appearance. They make an effort until they get what they want--be it insurance, money, sex...whatever. Then, when it's no longer necessary to keep making that effort, they stop trying.

Good luck, Dena...whatever you decide.

[Diane]

Originally posted by Dena
I reread the posts I just wrote today. I do sound scared. All of you that responded helped me to realize I need to be strong. Do I just give up on my marriage? Could he really have changed? What do you think about the year idea? He was so wonderful this past week. I am confused!! I have not forgotten how I felt the past couple of months. My guard will probably not ever go down. I want this to be for real, but I am not sure.

Yes... you do sound scared and that's why I wouldn't do it. It tells me that you already know what your answer should be. You asked if he really could have changed??? I highly doubt it... Nobody changes THAT fast... and seeing he's done this to you before, he'll undoubtedly do it to you again. I think he's being so nice to you because you have something he wants... your insurance or whatever else you might have that he wants. Once he's got it he'll go back to treating you like crap again... Are you so willing to want to go through all of that heartache and pain/suffering that you've already suffered all over AGAIN? IMHO I think he's probably seeing how good your doing and can't stand to see you doing so well on your own... without him. It makes him look bad that your doing better without him than with him.

It IS your choice and I have a feeling that I already know what that's going to be so... I will wish you the very best in whatever you decide to do. I only hope that when/if he starts treating you badly again, that you have the guts to pull away and get out of the situation before he ruin's your life forever... :)

Diane... :wave: