Speaking of friends - I need help

[KarlaB]

A friend is going thru a miscarriage. She was over here yesterday and was spotting. She went in for an ultrasound this morning and I just talked to her dh - they got sad news. She doesn't want to talk to anyone and I expected that reaction. I haven't been thru this and can only imagine her pain and loss. I want to be there for her, but do I wait for her to reach out to me or do I call again later? What do I say and what can I do? My heart is breaking for her and I don't want her to go thru this alone. We met at work abut 5 yrs ago, talk on the phone and occasionally get together with our dks. We don't confide everything to each other but we have good talks. She is not a touchy feely person and told me yesterday that if she miscarried she wouldn't want to talk to anyone and she didn't know what she would do - her mom is out of state, her sis in in town (they are somewhat estranged right now), and her sil is trying to conceive and has been jealous when my friend has been pregnant so she won't turn to her. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

[Mickey]

I think would simply send her a card saying, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here for you if you need anything." and leave it at that.

[AnnW]

Is she having a D&C? If so, offer to watch her kids while she is in the hosptial (it would probably be day surgery). If not, still offer to watch the kids. Take dinner over tonite or tomorrow with a note saying "If you need me, I am here". Wait a couple of days, then call again, just to check up. Follow her lead. Don't force her to talk, but let her know you are there if she needs you. DON'T say things like "well, something must have been wrong with the baby so this is a blessing", "you can have other children", "I know how you feel", "Just be grateful that this happened early in your pregancy" (believe me, I have heard all those). All you need to tell her is that you are sorry and that you are thinking of her and are there for her.
Good luck.

[Linda/NE]

So sorry to hear about your friend!

I think Mickey and Ann gave great advice!!

[KarlaB]

Thanks gals! I talked to her dh again and am having pizza delivered to them tonight. (Someone did that for us when my fil died and we really appreciated not having to cook or even think about it.) Their dd is with her aunt and uncle for the night. I am not sure if she will have a D&C or where things stand at this point, but I will offer to watch her anytime. I am going to send her a card and check in with her in a few days. I do want to follow her lead, but I am worried about her because I think she is blaming herself. Long story but there are some issues that she eluded to when she was here yesterday. :(

Ann- I totally agree about not saying the things you mentioned. My sis had three miscarriages and people said many of those same things to her. When my friend was here yesterday thinking she was going to miscarry one thing she mentioned was dreading facing people and I told her to be prepared for comments like that (not like you really can be) but some people just don't know or they blow it off, "Oh there will be others" or "It just wasn't meant to be." :( I just feel so sad for her and can only imagine what she must be going thru.

Thanks again gals for your help on this. It's so difficult and I just want to do what I can without interfering in her grieving time. :(

[arianna]

MM! I too have suffered several miscarriages and feel the advice from both AnnW and Mickey is best.

If I had heard "It's God's Will " one more time I could have screamed for one reason or another. Like it was punishment for something.

We talk about it in my family. The boys remember the last miscarriage and we discuss it openly. We feel it should be discussed and dealt with. It's not a shameful thing. For example, we were at the salon and in the course of the conversation my eldest said "Mommy's baby died". The sylish looked embarassed for me. I told her exactly how I feel about it and how we as a family dealt with it.

If your friend brings the topic up and would like to discuss it in the future, I would talk with her about it and allow her to express her feelings.

ßß!

[Ryleigh]

So sorry to hear about your friend.

I miscarried our first child at about 4 1/2 months. I was devistated. Everyone kept dishing out the comments as mentioned in former posts, meaning well, but just making me feel worse. Mil just drove me nuts, I swore if she een stepped foot in the house again I was going to kill her just so I could go to jail and get eveyone to leave me alone.
I agree with just giving her time. Let her know you are there if she needs anything, and if she needs you she will seek you out. She lucky to have someone like you who cares enough to be there for her, but willing to give her the space she needs right now to heal.

[KarlaB]

Thanks again gals and I am sorry for all of you who have lost little ones. :( I am going to send a card today, wait for her to reach out, and if I don't hear from her in a few days I'll check in with her or her dh. Thanks again!