5 year old Masturbating

[Amy2]

My very dear friend has a daughter who will be five in August who masturbates 3, 4 times a day. Usually she does this when she is trying to calm down, just before bed, but lately she has been doing this when she wakes up as well.

My friend is having a really tough time with it. I have given her my (humble) opinion, that I think it's very normal and that with guidance she will eventually grow to understand that there are appropriate times and places for the activity, but my friend feels that it's NOT normal, because she feels that her daughter has some underlying "issues" that she is not able to deal with. I said I think that at five this IS her way of dealing with stress, and that she is too young to try to figure out other ways.

My friend was raised in a very fundamentalist Christian household and has said her mother thinks this is "appaling" which is why I think my friend is so affected by it. She is feeling very concerned about her daughter doing it at school, at her sister's house or her parent's house.

I spoke with another friend who's nieces were the exact same way (is it a girl thing? My girl is only a toddler so I have no experience with this personally.) She said that eventually they figured it out, but my friend is really having a hard time and I thought maybe you all might have some insights.

Amy

[Lynda/WA]

No insights here but I agree its normal. My own DD hasn't. I think maybe part of it's curiousity? I wonder around naked all the time and DD has asked questions. Maybe that's why she hasn't felt the need for self exploration yet?
Another thing. I've known kids that rocked or banged their heads. From what I understand the repetitive movement was calming. Maybe this is the same thing? If it bothers the mom maybe she could teach the child some other relaxation methods.
If it were my child I'd try and teach her there's a time and place for everything. With a mom that believes its wrong, I don't think you'll be able to impact her decision.

[Amy2]

Lynda, I agree that it's probably very calming to the child.

It's not that her mother thinks it's wrong, and she does teach her that it's private and something to be done in her room. It seems that she (the mother) thinks that maybe there is some way to give her something else to do to soothe herself. I don't know. It seems she has found the thing that soothes her! The mom doesn't want to shame her child, but it seems to me that unless she just ignores it, reiterating to the child that it's something that is private, that whatever she does will in effect be shaming her.

It's tough, because it can be embarrassing what our kids do, but what can you do?

Amy

[Lynda/WA]

Sorry, I misunderstood about the mothers feelings. I can see her wanting the child to have an alternative *calming* method though. How about teaching the girl visualization or breathing techniques? That's something she could do in class.

[JAK]

Just a thought- has the child been molested? There was a 5 yr old girl at a center I worked at when I was in college and she was always masterbating. Turned out she had been molested. I'm not saying that has happened to this little girl, but it's something for her parents to think about.

(If she hasn't been molested) It is normal for children that age to masterbate, but there might be something going on because all of a sudden she's doing it more. As a parent that's the part that would worry me.

[Amy2]

Jen, if I didn't know these people so well, I would wonder about that too. But no, no molestation.

The girl is really, really intense. The slightest thing will really set her off. And she just flips. It's like she was born with all this intense stuff going on inside her. I dunno...

Amy

[MaryL]

Take it from a kindergarten teacher...VERY COMMON. I usually just ignore the behavior (if it happens at school), or if give a small signal or word...."not at school". (etc.... just to let them know this is not the place to do that.)

My older ds had a bout with this....we used to call it "shaking his booty". We understood that it was normal, and probably a calming action. We told him that we didn't care if he did it....but he needed to be in his bedroom. That pretty much nipped it in the bud. He understood that we weren't mad at him, or anything, but there was a place for the thing that he was doing. I haven't seem him do it in a LONG time.