Help, Really DEEP questions from my son

[Grace]

Help! My ds (almost 4 yo) has been asking some very deep questions. Most of the time I try to keep the answers simple and let him lead me. Lately, the questions have gotten more difficult, let me explain. Recently, my family has had to endure some difficult losses. Nine mo. ago my brother was murdered, and last month my cousin was. I did not involve my son with the services, etc... when my brother died, so he didn't have the exposure. Circumstances were different for my cousin. The services were out of town and for reasons I won't get into here (this will be long enough as is!!) I had to take him with me. To prepare him to be in an environment he hadn't been in, I tried to prepare him. I explained that he was going to have to sit quietly (a difficult task for him!) and that the people he saw, myself included, were going to be sad, etc... I didn't want him to be scared when he saw them crying, as he is pretty sensitive about that. As it turned out, I opened pandora's box. I wouldn't go as far to say he is obsessed, but the child has sure asked a lot of questions about death since. First of all, he assumed that people only die b/c bad people did bad things. It was difficult to explain that sometime people die b/c they get very sick, or old, etc... without scaring him. He is now curious how people get to heaven. His own theory is that there must be a plane that takes them there! I have told him that honestly, I don't know all the answers b/c I have never been to heaven, but that I believe that b/c angels have wings, maybe they help people get to heaven. Also tried to explain that it is only the soul, who you are inside, that goes to heaven - a concept he hasn't grasped. His question tonight is how angels can get someone to heaven if they die in a house (b/c of the roof - they can't fly up, duh Momma!!). Again I fielded that question - but none of my answers seem satisfactory to him. I told him that b/c I really don't know the answers we would go to the library this week and see if we can find a book that has some answers to his questions. I don't want to overload him, yet at the same time I don't want him to think it is bad to ask questions or that I am trying to dodge them! Anyone have any advise or suggestions? Any specific book titles that you have found useful for this subject for this age?? I was planning to ask the librarian in the childrens section, but if anyone knows of one that they have used and like, I would love to know! I apologize for the length of this post, I can't "keep it short" verbally, and apparently I can't do it in written form either!! ha ha. I would appreciate any advise I can get! Thanks for your patience!!

[Mickey]

Someone here recommended "The Next Place" to me a while back and it is a lovely book. It has beautiful pictures and words and my 5 yo ds loves it.

My ds has also asked some tough questions and was a bit preoccupied with death for a while. Asking about heaven, where it is, what it looks like, what and where hell is and if there's an exit door! LOL! I told him that who you are, all your feelings and thoughts and the love in your heart live on forever, but your body will eventually die. He does NOT like that. Every once in a while he'll tell me he doesn't want to get older or die and he doesn't want me to die either.

I also told him that I really don't know all the answers since no one can come back once they die to tell us what it's like.

I think it's good to let him take the lead and give as little in the way of details and the brutal truth about the biological aspects of death, funerals and burial/cremation, etc.

Here's a link to the book at Amazon if you want to read about it and check out the reviews:
The Next Place by Warren Hanson (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0931674328/qid=998538899/sr=1-1/ref=sc_b_1/002-0086514-1532842)

[Amy2]

My experience has been to be as honest as possible which it sounds like you are. I have told my ds "Her body died, but her spirit is with us forever." Why did her body die? "Her brain got very sick." Will I die? "Not for a very, very, very long time. When you're really old." Will you die? "Same thing." I try not to be too ominous, but as light hearted as I can, and not answer more than I am being asked. I think sometimes WE get scared when talking about death, so our kids sense that. And four is a very common age for these fears to become more intense. I think as they start to understand that they are NOT their parents, they start to feel precarious in the world. Sometimes, if it seems like the conversation is getting too heavy, you can answer the question simply, then subtly change the subject so as to help him not dwell on it. Amy

Books: The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. Lifetimes. The Next Place is my favorite.

[angie r]

My church library had some great books called.....101 questions kids ask about God....Heaven....Dying....Angels.....Jesus. They were awesome and gave kid ready answers. The questions were absolutely what my 5 yo was asking too. Do dogs go to heaven, do they have McDonald's in heaven, will there be toys in heaven...... I am sure you will find some great books at the library. If you don't, you may want to check a church library.

I am so sorry about your recent losses.

[Grace]

Thanks for the info! At least I feel like I am on track with this situation. I absolutely love that he wants to talk about things and ask so many (and I mean SO MANY) questions!! He went to bed last night asking questions and woke up this morning asking to talk about it!! I appreciate the titles given so far, I will definately check these! I knew there were some really good books out there that could be useful, but I was curious which ones were really helpful! Thanks again!!

[Lynda/WA]

When my son (7 at the time) started asking about dying, his real concern was DH and I dying. The topic all came up after a classmates father died and then he watched Jungle Book (w/ Rosie O'Donell). Two cases of a parent dying. I think he was convinced I was next! Kid's tend to look at things from how they will impact themselves. I explained to him that some bad things rarely happen like a parent dying and it was very unlikely to happen to me. I pointed out some things that happen that he knows about but have never happened to us. And some things that have happened (tornado, earthquake) but didn't hurt us. Then I told him that even if something did happen to DH and I, he would be fine because we had written down on a piece of paper that they would go live with Aunt Renea. He informed me that he doesn't know how to get to Aunt Renea's (she lives in WI). Once I explained she, Grandpa, and Grandma would come get them he was relieved.

Heaven questions haven't really come up. Maybe because we always refer to DH's real mom as the Grandma in Heaven. And her best friend (a family friend still) has always talked to the kids about her watching over them and being with them. And since their aunt has been married to two Bruce's we refer to one as the Bruce in Heaven.

[Mickey]

Originally posted by angie r
My church library had some great books called.....101 questions kids ask about God....Heaven....Dying....Angels.....Jesus. They were awesome and gave kid ready answers. The questions were absolutely what my 5 yo was asking too. Do dogs go to heaven, do they have McDonald's in heaven, will there be toys in heaven...... I am sure you will find some great books at the library. If you don't, you may want to check a church library.

I am so sorry about your recent losses.

Well...don't leave us hanging...IS there a McDonald's in Heaven? LOL!

And I don't know about you, but I definitely plan to see my doggies who passed away when I die!

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Mickey


Well...don't leave us hanging...IS there a McDonald's in Heaven? LOL!

And I don't know about you, but I definitely plan to see my doggies who passed away when I die!



Don't know about McDonald's but there IS a Blue Bell Creamery in MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

[Mickey]

Originally posted by AnnW




Don't know about McDonald's but there IS a Blue Bell Creamery in MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

LOL! And a Dove Chocolate factory! ;)

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Mickey


LOL! And a Dove Chocolate factory! ;)


THAT'S a given!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :newwink:

[angie r]

Also remember, that all that yummyness comes without a single calorie!!