What do you do with fighting children?

[PamE]

I really need some advice on how to handle my girls today. Let me give a little background. Our oldest dd (10) went to a slumber party Sunday night and returned home last night. Our youngest dd (5) who shares a room with her was desperate for her to come back because she hates sleeping alone. There's bound to be friction simply because of the age difference but they are incorrigible this morning! The 10yo is being snotty and rude to her sister and the 5yo is doing things to get a rise out of her. Right now they are in their rooms until they can stop fighting. At this rate they'll be there all week and I'll be a candidate for the funny farm! :crazyroll:

It's tempting to tie their wrists together or one of their legs, to teach them that they need to rely on each other, not tear each other down! That seems drastic to me though so I'd rather try other ideas first. Should I put them to work together until I tire them out? (We homeschool, btw, that's why they're both home) Right now the oldest is calling for me, trying to tattle (does it EVER end???) and the youngest is yelling that she didn't do whatever it is her sister said she did! Whatever I do I would like it to make a lasting impact on them, not just something to get us through this day!

[Amy2]

Pam, you sound exactly like a good friend of mine, though hers (10 and 5) are boys. They are doing just what you said your are. Older being mean, little one provoking. I told her that I think she should just let them deal with it themselves. She HATES hearing them being so mean to each other, and their constant fighting drives her nuts. But I said I think they are purposely drawing her into it.

I had an older sister, and we used to kick the crap out of each other! She was older and smarter and used her wit, and I tried to annoy her as best I could. But you know what? I adore my sister! I think if kids love each other (which yours probably do even though it seems like they don't) then the fighting won't change that, and if they DO hate each other, then making them "be nice" will just be an exercise in futility!

I am not suggesting that you don't set rules, like no hitting or vulgar language or whatever, but tell them that you are NOT going to be drawn into the fray, and that they need to work it out themselves and keep you out of it. Then, when they are getting along, you give them the projects to work together on, so they are doing it in a spirit of love and see how much greater it is to get along rather than fight.

As I said, this is guess work here based on my own childhood and not my own parenting, but just food for thought. Good luck.

Amy

PS I'll be back in about five years when I have this issue with my own kids and you can teach me what worked!

[Mickey]

Pam, my mother would punish all three of us when we fought. If one of us yelled or hit or name-called or tattled, we all went to our rooms. Showed us that my mother wouldn't "side" with anyone or take one word over the other and that we needed to learn how to get along. She didn't even want to hear about it and that forced us to work it out. My sis and I shared a room and we would talk to my brother through the heating vent. It would start out with us saying how "mean" or "unfair" our mom was and end with us laughing and getting along. That's when we could come out. To this day, we don't hesitate to speak our minds to each other, and if there are hurt feelings, we make up quickly and don't hold grudges.

[kathleen]

I echo the thoughts of the previous two posts. I have found that when our two (and they are 14 years old and 6 years old!!!!) are fighting I just tell them I am not listening to either one -- and I won't take sides except to stop any ugly names or hitting. Then they calm down and usually end up doing something together...going to eat a snack, play legos, something.

[blaineysmom]

Hello I noticed in your profile you live in Kentucky? I also live there.(central ky) to be exact. Where are you located? I would love to have a friend,I am the mother of a beautiful 2 y/o daughter.You can send me a private messg if you want to. Or you can email me at : inthenikkoftime@hotmail.com or nikki789970@aol.com. Just let me know how you fell about having me to be a friend.

[PamE]

It's unanimous then!!! I'm going to TRY to totally back out, unless things get ugly and see how it goes. I lost my post (can't wait till the "view new posts" feature is back again!) and couldn't find it until today. Things are better today but still not great.

I'm off to look for the earplugs!! :D

[wahmof2]

I have to giggle when I read all these post!! It seem most everyone with more than 1 child has these same problems and I am no exception!! I have 2 kids ages 5 and 2, and they have already learned the art of fighting! It really does seem to drive me crazy after a SHORT while! My 5 year old son is gone to school all day and my 2 year daughter is really content to play alone and she and I have a lot of fun. Then when my son gets home from school, it seems that all hell breaks loose. He is tired and cranky and dosen't want to be bothered, and my 2 year old is not ready to share or be bothered either. My 5 yr. old gets his second wind and wants to "pick" at her and then she (the 2 yr old) loves to see how much and how loud she can scream and protest. This goes on from about 4:00 until bedtime. It's really hard and I end up yelling and telling them how I've had it , and I'm so tired of their fighting, etc..(I know, not the best thing to do!)... I am like the other Moms...they both get in trouble if they tattle or one screams, etc... I would love to have a peaceful home again! I just pray that this "stage" subsides!
Good luck to you all and keep sharing your ideas on your methods!!

Leisha
http://momsathome.kidsafe.at