new dad, seeks advice

[Jason6PC]

OK, so heres my situation, I found out that I am now a dad. I have a girlfriend whom I plan on marrying...but it's hard on her to be around the mother. What advice can I get on this?

I've been able to see my son 4 times in two months, how can I be a stable part of his life, when I cant see him every day? honestly Im scared, Im new at this and just because the mother and I dont get along doesnt mean I want my son to suffer.

[angie r]

Do you have court appointed visitation?? It should be set out when you get to have/be with your son.

If you plan on marrying your girlfriend she is going to have to get used to seeing your son's mother. She will be a part of your lives for the rest of your lives.

[Jason6PC]

I am going through the court process now.

[angie r]

I hope it all goes smoothly. Good for you for being there for your son. Let us know what happens. When are you planning on getting married?

[Amy]

How old is your son? Hopefully, it won't become a tug of war for attention between your girlfriend and son. As shocking as this is for your girlfriend, I hope she is mature enough to accept your son in time. I also hope your ex will be mature enough not to cause trouble for you and do what is best for your son. Good Luck!

[Jeff]

Think your girlfriend needs to understand that your child is a part of you and going to be a part of your life. Part of accepting that is her being cordial and pleasant around the mother as well as her allowing you and the mother to establish rules for that child together. Your actions towards the mother (whether the mother is present or not) will probably either help this process or fuel the fire. If she can't deal with it, its better you find out now than after the wedding.

[Diane]

I admire you for being responsible and wanting to spend time with your son. I can't help but feel though that if your girlfriend isn't willing to accept your son AND his mother as being a part of your life... for the rest of your life, there will be nothing but a lot of trouble in your marriage. IMHO... before I'd make any permanent commitments... I'd make sure that your girlfriend fully understands what your intentions are going to be towards your son and his mother.

Diane... :wave:

[netmechwife]

I agree with the other posts. However if you truly love your girlfriend and know she is the one you want to dedicate your love and life to, I have some advice from others who have been in the same situation. I know 4 other couples who have been in a similar situation or are going through it.

Naturally the mother will not like you pledging your love to another since she probably assumed you loved her (slept together-women usually assume that means love). She will probably try to cause division in your new marriage. You will have to be careful to still put your wife first. She is your partner. She is your helpmate. She is the one you are pledging your love to. Be firm in your expectations of visits. Let your son know as he is growing that your wife is to be respected and that you cherish her. The other mother will have a hard time dealing with it but if it is not dealt with from the start I can guarantee it will cause more problems in all the relationships as time goes on. It may cause a lot of problems in your marriage if you put the mother's wishes before your wife's needs and wishes. When she sees your love for her and your putting her first, she will naturally want to meet your needs including over time cooperating with the situation.

You should probably discuss your concerns with her before the wedding. Ask her what she needs and wants in the situation. Explain your viewpoint and be open to understanding her side as well.

If the mother does things to upset or hurt your fiancee/wife you will need to defend your love. Let the mother know that you understand she is uncomfortable but that you will not tolerate her hurting your wife.

I will be praying for you. You have a lot to think about and deal with. I know you must feel really torn. I pray that everything works out for you and you will see what needs to be done or said. God bless you.

[Karen]

You asked how you can be a stable part of his life. For starters, you need to stay close geographically. This means that neither the mother, nor you and your new wife, can move far away. I think this is something you have to stipulate in the custody arrangement.

All the other advice here is excellent. I would just urge you to remember that the child is the victim here, in that he is not getting a two-parent, stable family. So, as hard as it may be for her, you girlfriend/wife-to-be needs to understand your committment to your son. If she can't deal with it - and it WILL impact your time and your "freedom" - then it's better that you know that now. You and your son are a package deal now.

Best of luck to you. Watching a child grow up is a wondrous thing. Don't miss out on it!!

[Linda/NE]

Netmechwife gave some great advice!

You need to make it clear to both your girlfriend AND your child's mother that your son is a priority and you intend to be part of his life.

From your post it does sound like the mother could very well try to cause problems between you and your girlfriend. You need to make it clear to the mother that the girlfriend will be in your life and around your son and she deserves respect. Also it needs to be made clear that she is a top priority and you will not abandon her to suit the mother's wants.

You also need to be sure that your girlfriend understands that your commitment to your son will include encountering the mother and referring to her ( especiallyin the child's presence) in a respectable manner.



The bottom line is that all 3 of you adults need to act like adults.
I am a little confused as to whether you knew about this child when the mother was pregnant, or if you found out after his birth. Never the less, this is the situation you have to deal with.

In your court proceedings be sure to seek out as much legal advice as possible and don't settle for advice from the mother's lawyer if it leads to giving you little or no choice. You DO have the right to visitation, you DO have the right to try for partial custody, you DO have a right to be with your son. Paying child support is NOT the only way that you can contribute to his life. Don't let ANYONE tell you that you can't see him or what ever and all you can do is child support.

I applaud you for taking the steps for your son!! I wish you the best of luck!!! Please let us know how it goes.

(P.S. Thanks for being a good example of what absent fathers are!! :) )

[Jason6PC]

Hello Thank you all for the advice.
:) Here is the situation, I slept with this girl
a few times, we sorta used each other out of loneliness or whatever...I was dealing with some other things at the time, and fell into temptation. I am a Christian, and felt convicted-
so I told the mother that things couldn't continue, and left it at that. Then I hadnt talked to her for a while and she calls me up to tell me
that shes pregnent. (of course I was skeptical that she was pregnant by me since I hadnt talked to her in so long)

So I got to see my son, Sean, the day he was born and a few times after that. But the mother is a head game, one min. it's ok to be around, the next shes going to have me put in jail for anything she can.

My girlfriend now has been very good through this.
I told her about it when I met her, and she's stuck beside me. We plan on getting married a year from now. But theres things like the awkwardness of being the "other woman" will the mother try to make it a court ordr that my girl friend and I cant be together? I dont know how any ofthis stuff works. Thanks again for the advice.

[Ryleigh]

Hi Jason,

Just wanted to welcome you to the board.

I don't know what advice I can give you that you haven't already heard from the others, but wish you luck. Bravo for you for thinking of your son, and wanting to be part of his life. Court appointed visitation sounds the way to go. What grounds would she have to file suit that you and your girlfriend can't be together??? She may not like the situation, but you can't file for dislike. What did she try and get you put in jail for??? I would think the most she can hope for besides joint custody is child support (monthly payment)
Good Luck. Keep us posted. If nothing else you can come vent your frustrations here. Were a very supportive bunch.

[Linda/NE]

Originally posted by Jason6PC

My girlfriend now has been very good through this.
I told her about it when I met her, and she's stuck beside me. We plan on getting married a year from now. But theres things like the awkwardness of being the "other woman" will the mother try to make it a court ordr that my girl friend and I cant be together? I dont know how any ofthis stuff works. Thanks again for the advice.

I think you've already taken a very important step toward success of your upcoming marriage--telling your girlfriend the whole story from the beginning. She is going into this with her eyes open. It might be helpful for her, however, to speak with someone who's been in the same position as she is now.

Unless the mother can prove that it would be harmful for the child to have contact with you and your girlfriend (drug abuse, physical abuse, etc.) there's not much she can do legally to break you up. Most likely (based on my interpretation of your post) she will try manipulative tactics to cause a rift between you. Honestly the mother sounds like a 'lover scorned' and what she does/is doing comes from her vengence.

Best of luck!! :) :) :)