what would you say...

[mommy bear]

My friend who got divorced this summer started seeing this guy. They had been friends for about 6 months before they started seeing each other. She goes on and on about how wonderful, loving, caring. passionate and funny he is. They have a wonderful time together and seem to get along fabulously.
Then the other day she calls me all upset, & asking advice. I tried to avoid the giving advice thing. It can get you into so much trouble!
There are a few different things that were bothering her. Apparently Mr Wonderful knew it was her birthday, and never said a word, sent a card - Nothing! This stuck her as funny, but figured maybe it was a money thing, and let it go. She is a very open person - kind of touchy, feely, and will say exactly what she means. She told me she has told him how she feels, and he is less than forthcoming with his feelings. Although, he did tell her that he loves her. I'm guessing she feels much more strongly than he does. She tells me that she would love to see him more often, but it doesn't ever seem work out. Recently he got sick. She fussed over him and took care of him. When she got sick with the same exact thing he didn't say a word or do a thing.
I know she is crazy about this guy, so I don't want to stir anything up, but is it me or does something sound really fishy? What would you tell her?

[Amy]

Unlike you, I LOVE giving advice! LOL

It looks like the bloom is off the rose for this guy. Early infatuation is wonderful, but when the initial lust dies down, you see what you get. Your friend is unprepared to let go of the idea that Mr. Wonderful is probably another loser. I meet a ton of losers who showed their true colors after they think they have you "hooked". Why did she get divorced from dh #1? Ask her if she sees any trends between the two and if she really wants to invest a lot of time into someone who is not interested in reciprocating. Hopefully, she is not desperate for a male and will be able to say "see Ya" and free herself to find a decent guy.

[Lynda/WA]

My best advice giving sessions didn't include giving advice but asking questions. That and listening to the person talk their problem out out-loud. Sometimes they already know the answer but don't want to accept it. Hearing themselves say the answers out loud to another person makes it more real. If she called you feeling there is a problem then there is. At least in her own mind. The old I think I am therefore I am philosophy.
If she says he forgot my birthday you ask something like Do you think this was a one time thing? If not can you live with that for your next birthdays? And for the really hard questions I sometimes say I don't want to know the answer. Just answer it in your own mind. Something to think about.
Sometimes I just give things to think about. Usually from my past experiences. I might say that when I former boyfriend told me he loved me I felt pressured to say it back. Since I couldn't I broke up with him. Maybe if he had slowed down to my pace I would have felt comfortable enough. Then if she said *well, do you think that's what's happening?* I'd ask what did he do the first time you told him you loved him?. Following that up with more questions. Let her answers guide the questions.


Just guessing but I'd say he told her he loves her because he felt pressured to. Not because he does. I have to agree. Either he doesn't care for her, is losing that initial *bloom*, or is pulling back because she is pushing too much.

[Diane]

He seems like a very selfish person to me... As long as the relationship is to his advantage (one sided) I'm sure he will probably continue to see her, and if necessary even tell her he loves her... even if he doesn't. I'm sure that if she treated him the same way he's been treating her... totally blowing off his birthday without even a word of acknowledgement... and totally ignoring the fact that he wasn't feeling well, he'd probably go somewhere else find someone who would be more willing to "fuss" and cater over him the way he evidently likes and seems to expect her to do. IMHO If he's like this now when they are only seeing each other as girlfriend/boyfriend, I can only imagine how inconsiderate and selfish he's going to be if/when they are ever married. Ugh!!! If I were her I think I'd start looking around. SHE deserves to get as much out of a relationship as she puts in to it... I hope she opens her eyes and see's him for what he is before she gets too serious about him... if she isn't already.

Diane... :wave: