little vent from me....

[RCT]

I am a SAHM, by choice :heart:.....I got married....decided to have a family....quit my job and made a home for dh and the kids....I love being a SAHM mommy....I love being with my kids....why do I have to defend myself about being a SAHM? sometimes I feel like people think I am stupid or not bright enough to have a REAL job......I used to have a high power good paying job....with benefits, and power lunches.....I am still the same woman...being a mommy hasn't change everything about me....I am not some simple minded idiot now........I have people around me, family, and some friends who don't seem to spend much time with their kids..which I find sad....they always are complaining about the kids being home from school, or in their hair...when they aren't with their kids really at all...they work, and when they aren't working they seem to have the kids off at the inlaws on the weekend....ok, that might work for them...but don't tell me what a bad job I am doing of raising my children....when that is my primary job....I was with my husbands family last week, and I had the kids with me, because they had been sick, and I kept them home from school....I kept hearing how I should have just sent to them to school, they seemed fine, and were just pulling the wool over on me....they had fevers for heavens sakes....the other thing I heard was how awful they were behaving....ok, I was there....I didn't feel that they were being awful...had I, I would have disciplined them...after all these are the same people who are usually telling dh and I to lighten up on these kids....LOL....anyway...I got kinda ticked...and started thinking about how, its always my son who gets the brunt of the blame for things, even when all the younger kids (4,6,7) are together....why is that? he isn't the leader type unfortunelty...so how could he be the only one doing the wrong.... anyway....I got a new booster seat for dd, and got questioned on why my kids needed to be in booster seats....dd they understood, but why would my ds need one....like it was a bad thing....I explained that I feel that they should both be in booster seats until they are 60-80lbs....so they will be...most of the children in our family don't use car seats after they are 40 pounds which I feel is wrong and have voiced that opinion....anyway....after I explained my feelings on Carseats and Booster seats....I got the response "you don't have to get defensive" I don't....gee I just spend a couple of days hearing how rotten my kids are, wild they are.....and I took it personally, since this is my JOB.....my only job....and I guess I am not doing right? I THINK I AM....I THINK I AM.....:biglaugh:.....

I didn't say anything to dh, because really why...its his family....but last night, he mentioned to me that he didn't care for the way his sisters inparticular treated our son, and that he felt that we need a break from his family for a while, and the next time he hears harping on our son....he is going to go off.....anyway....anyone else ever feel like people treat you like a second class citizen and that they have the right to critize you because your a SAHM....is it that they are jealous that they are doing it not so right? ARGH thanks for letting me vent...this is the second time I typed this out, so I am sorry if its a ramble.....

[Amy2]

Renee, darlin, you are SO not alone! Society in general tells us that they are so glad we are home with our kids, but in reality they don't respect us much. I mean, it's WOMEN'S work after all. How important can it be? It is very hard sometimes I know. I have a Master's Degree. I'm not stupid. But often times I am made to feel less than interesting and half as important because I deal with kids most of the time. I try to remember that it is about them not about me. That it is my own insecurities that make me give a **** about what others think.

I read this somewhere and it cracked me up. A woman was filling out a form and was asked what she did and she said "I'm a field researcher in early childhood development and human resources." Well, the person filling out the form was quite impressed. Of course she was a mother. I had told my own mother this story and one night we were at the theatre and I ran into a man I worked with years ago. He asked me what I did, and I told him I did field research in early child development and human relations. You should have seen his face! He seemed so impressed. My mom and I just CRACKED UP! Anyway, I said "See? It's really true!"

I think your husband is wise to suggest a break from the family. Sometimes there is nothing that works so well. And if by any chance they happen to ask why you have stayed away, you have an opportunity to tell them! In a nice, non accusing way, just "I've been feeling a little criticized lately, and the work I do with my kids is so important to me, I really need to feel supported" or whatever.

So here I am trying to be deep and dd is on my lap making it impossible. THIS is what we do! So anyway, just wanted to offer some support. You're doing great!! And in the end, you won't have missed all this time with your kids and you and they will be so grateful!

Amy

[AnnW]

Sounds like your dh is right!

I guess I am pretty lucky..I have never felt the need or had to defend my choice to be a SAHM mom, most of the moms around here are..in fact, it's sort of the opposite where the wahms have to defend their choice...which is kind of sad since I thought the whole point of feminism was to get choices.

[Leigh]

Renee, I might not know you physically, but I do know you from here, and I do not feel that in any way you are a bad mother. I think that it is a wonderful choice to stay home with your children, and your in-laws should be happy that you have the chance to do that. I think that dh is right to say take a break. If they can't support you , then maybe you don't need to be around them, and BTW from the way that you have described your dks on here, they sound like very wonderful children. I hope that this cheers you up some, and I hope that things get better soon. :)

[Ryleigh]

Vent away all you like.
You shouldn't have to defend yourself for making the choice to stay home with your children. The world might be a better place if more people were able or willing to do so.
I would have liked to stay home with dd and ds but for finacial reasons found it difficult. I was home with dd until she was 2 1/2 and ds was only one. Putting them in care, while I watched other people children was very difficult for me. Luckly they were at the sme centre that I worked at and I could still have contact with them throuout the day.
Now with the trio on the way, dh has a much better job, and our financial situation has improved a great deal. (also the one year paid maternaty leave helps a lot) I will likely be staying home with them, until they reach school age anyway and then maybe go back to the work force. We had considered, starting home day-care before we moved but now we are out in the country and can't see it being too convienient for anyone needing care.
I think it is wonderful that you have the opportunity to spend that extra time and care on your children. Keep up the good work and don't let anyone discourage you. You have one of the most important REAL JOBS, that any woman could have.
Come vent whenever you need too.

[JAK]

I feel your pain Renee! I feel like that all the time. My DH usually works 2 jobs so that I can stay home with our dks. I had always thought that once the kids were in school all day I would go back to work part time while they were in school. Well, that really hasn't worked out for me because I haven't found a place that will let you work part-time and still make an o.k. salary. I feel horrible that my dh has to work two jobs, but he would rather do that than to have our children have to go to day care. One of the main reasons that I decided to do home day care was so that for once my dh will not have to work two jobs and I can still do what I love, be home with my children.

I have nothing against moms who work, but I wish that some of them didn't make those of us who stay at home feel like we are stupid. When we go home (to CA) that's when they make me feel the worse about myself. It seems like everyone there works and they look down upon those of us who don't. The funny thing is that the same people who critize me for not working are the first to tell me how well behaved and respectiful my children are! Hmmmmm, I wonder why? Go figure.

[Diane]

I don't think that anyone around where I live really gets criticized for whatever they choose to do... Out of the home working mom's aren't really considered smarter or "better" than the parent who decides to stay home to take care of their children. Most of the children that I care for have parents who would do just about anything to stay at home with their children, but because of financial circumstances... they can't. I chose to take care of other people's children in order to stay home with my children. I have noticed that once in a while when some people interview me for day care, they sometimes look down at me (or have an air about them) because I think they feel that I am only doing what I'm doing because I'm too darn stupid to do anything else. LOL Taking care of kids is NOT an easy job... (I'd like to see them do it for a week... LOL) and IMHO it's probably the most important AND hardest job anyone could possibly do. There are also a lot of times when a few of my parents will complain about how much they wish they could be a SAHM and take care of their own children. They feel as if they are missing out on SO much, but yet when they have time or a day off they are usually always the very first ones in my front door... while they run off to do whatever it is they want to do. I'm not saying that these parents don't deserve some time to themselves... everyone deserves "some" time to themselves... but when they're doing it all the time I really have to wonder... Then the next time they start complaining about not getting/having enough time with/for their kids I just have to shake my head and wonder why they didn't DO it when they DID have the time. I'm not trying to start a debate... this is JMHO. LOL

I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks or feels... YOU are doing what is important to you and your family and it's really none of their business. (You are doing a GREAT job) The same goes for your children's behavior. If you don't feel as if your children were misbehaving... then I wouldn't worry about it. You more than likely would have done something to stop them from acting inappropriately had you thought they were. The problem here is probably a difference of opinion as to what is considered good or bad behavior. LOL I know that I would NEVER allow a few of my day care kids to do some of what they are allowed to do at home... and sometimes a parent might have a hard time understanding why their kids can't do it at my house... but IMO what they are doing is not something I would want done in my house or something that I approve of... while it may be just fine with the parents.

Honestly... I think it was unappropriate of your dh's relatives to even say anything... If you ask me, it is them who needs a lesson in proper behavior. I think your dh has the right idea... I'd stay away from them for a while. If they are going to do nothing but make you feel inadequate, then you don't need to be around them. If they ask... I wouldn't hesitate to tell them why. YOU know that you're doing a good job... and that's all that counts.

Diane... :wave:

[netmechwife]

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) RTC... I know what you are going through. I would spend some time away from them too. Yeah!!! for your dh defending and protecting you.

[Amy]

I don't get that reaction from other people. I get that from myself! LOL When I was going through my Master's, I was on top of my game intellectually. Even though I love being a SAHM, I also realize that not being around intellectually stimulating people, I have regressed to some extent. That is why I love my stay at home job with my neighbor so much. I actually get to hone my "smartness" and feel better about myself.

Good for dh Renee!!!! Sister-in-laws are a catty group if they all believe their way is the right way. If you feel you are doing the right thing, than they can just keep their traps closed! LOL

[KarlaB]

I have gone thru times like this, too - more so when I first started staying home. Now I generally get wonderful responses from people when they ask what I do - usually these are the older generation and their eyes just light up like I am fabulous! :) I have encounetered my fair share of people though who can't figure out what I do all day and really believe my days are filled with soaps, talk shows and bon bons. :rolleyes:

Hang in there, stand strong, and know you are doing the best for your family! {{{hugs}}}

[RCT]

all for your responses....my SIL called me this morning wondering where I was this weekend....I stayed home and did some cleaning and such but purposely had stayed away...I didn't say that thought....I just told her I had some loose ends to tie up here and that this weekend was the time to do it....LOL...so she missed me...thats funny, I was feeling like I was not wanted there....anyway...she was plesant and it was a nice conversation...dh is right and I will be distancing my self for a while...hey I have enought to do here, and in my house...LOL...cleaned the whole kitchen even the cabinets got wiped out and cleaned.....going to start really reading the flylady, so thanks again for all your support...my kids are good kids and I like them.....and haven't been embarrassed by them in a long time....LOL....

[Diane]

I'm glad she missed you Renee... Do you think perhaps she could have been feeling a little bit guilty about what she had said to you? I think that if you continue to distance yourself from them for a while she just might figure it out on her own... ?( (maybe... LOL) I know that I certainly wouldn't look forward to going someplace or being around people who were constantly being critical or expressing unwanted or asked for opinions of me or my family members. I totally try to avoid people like that. I'm happy that she called you. Maybe she'll start changing her bad attitude and start trying to be a little less critical and a lot more kinder when you are around. :)

Diane... :wave:

[Mickey]

I know this is a bit late, but I just wanted to say that I know how you feel, Renee!

I live far from my family and I miss them and can't wait to visit them, but once I'm there, it's not long before I'm feeling like a total failure as a mother. I've heard all kinds of things since he was a newborn:

"You're breastfeeding him way too often!"
"He's spoiled--let him cry it out!"
"He (at two years old) needs to learn that he can't touch the Lenox figurines!"
"He needs a good spanking!"
"You're homeschooling? That's such a shame! Isn't that a cult?"

It's endless. And then I, too, get the "You don't have to be so hard on him!" or "He didn't mean to, don't put him into time-out!" "Give him one more chance!"

It's very frustrating. Everyone just needs to mind their own beeswax and shut their cakeholes! LOL!

[Melody]

I hear ya! I get those too but not as often as before. I have heard all sorts of fun comments too. The one that cracked me up was "so, what are you going to do when you grow up"? LOL
You are doing a great job. I know how frustrating it can be. I too feel that those around me feel that I am not smart enough to get a real job. Glad your dh agrees to spend some time away from his family for a while.