Diciplining your/someone elses kids...

[Diane]

A few months back while my neice was visiting at my sister's house... her dd started getting into things. Her mom watched, but didn't say/do anything about it. She evidently didn't see anything wrong with what she was doing but... my sister did. Seeing the mom wasn't doing/saying anything to stop her from touching all of her untouchables... my sister spoke up telling the little girl not to touch what she was just about ready to touch. She continued to do what she wanted... looking my sister straight in the eye as she did it. She even had the nerve to push my sister's hand away and go back to what she was doing knowing full well she wasn't suppose to. My sister ended up scolding her and my neice ended up angry. Although she didn't SAY anything... she did go off to my other sister about what nerve my other sister had scolding her child. She thought my sister should have taken all of her untouchables off from all of her shelves and put them up. Ugh!!!

My question is... if you are somewhere and your kids start misbehaving... how do you handle it. How do you feel about someone else disciplining your kids... OR if someone is at your house and they are acting up... do YOU dicipline them if the parents aren't? How do you handle this?

Thanks...

Diane... :wave:

[AnnW]

That is always so tough. I think the neice should have been monitoring her dd better, but I am more in the "if it's really valuable and you know a kid is coming over, hide it" camp.
I do think your sister had every right to protect her stuff though.
If the child is in my house, I usually wait to see if the parent is going to handle the situation, if they don't I will say something like "in my house we don't do such and such", if the child continues, I cut the visit short.
My b/sil were infamous for disciplining MY kids in MY house for doing things that I didn't mind...but never disciplining their own kids for acting up! LOL
It's so hard.

[Diane]

The part that got to me was the fact that my sister's (who's house we were at) grandson was staying with her during that time. He's 2 and the little girl who was being obstinent is 4. During her grandson's visit she never ever had to take one thing down/off the shelves. When/if she said "NO"... he would stop. My neices dd however didn't care and would keep it up. She'd stare you right back in the eye and just give you this look. Recently (during my dad's funeral) she found a golf ball under the bed and threw it at my mom... just missed hitting her in the head. She started laughing because she thought it was so cute/funny. AGAIN... the mom said nothing, but I did. My neice feels as if everybody is picking on her daughter. It's almost gotten to the point where nobody wants to invite them anymore... I'm just wondering how some of you handle situations like tihs.

Ann... how do you handle it when someone else starts diciplining your children in your own house... especially when they aren't doing anything wrong? It's SO hard to know what to do and how to react without hurting feelings. :)

Diane... :wave:

[KarlaB]

If we are somewhere else dh or I always make sure our dks aren't into anything they shouldn't be, so usually it's not an issue to have others disciplining them for us. If they do something they shouldn't we take care of it before anyone else has to and I think it makes people enjoy our visits and our kids more. :)

I have often had to say something to my sisters kids because she is pretty lax and lets them do whatever wherever. :tearhair: I love them all dearly, but it can be frustrating, stressful and annoying at times.

[Mickey]

I, too, think that irreplaceable and expensive breakables should be out of reach of small children.

When ds was not yet 2, we went to visit and stay with my mother in PA and she REFUSED to put away her Waterford crystal figurines, telling me I needed to smack ds every time he tried to touch anything so he would "learn". That wasn't an option for me, but I followed him around, telling him "No!" and redirecting him all day and it was exhausting!

At 2, I think it's ridiculous to expect a child not to be curious or impulsive. But, now that ds is older, she has most of her crystal out and there's no problem with him touching it. But I told her that while he won't deliberately touch anything, accidents happen and if he bumps the rickety table it's on, it may fall and break. She put some of it away.

I would never allow ds to touch people's stuff--I'm VERY particular about that and when I tell him not to touch something, people often say, "Oh, that's ok...my kids play with that!" or whatever.

As far as my telling other people's kids in my house, I go for it if the parents don't. I had a friend and she and her dh were SO passive with their children. They were at our house for dinner one time and I gave the kids chocolate cake for dessert and told them they had to eat it in the kitchen, at the kitchen table (I had babysat these kids many times and they knew my rules). The daughter, then almost 4, got up and ran through my house, dropping pieces of cake and icing from her plate along the way and stepping on it! I told her, very firmly, that she needed to go back to the kitchen, but she ignored me. Her father followed her around the house saying, in a very sweet voice, "Honey...let's go back to the kitchen..." She'd yell, "NO!" and he'd sweetly ask her again. I'm watching the father, thinking, "She can't weigh more than 35 pounds--I'm sure you can take her!" LOL!

I scrubbed my carpet for an hour after they left, and guess what...they weren't invited back to my house after that.

If my mother told my ds off for something, I would be fine with that. But she wouldn't HAVE to do that unless I didn't see what he was doing. And I don't go for anyone saying "You're BAD!" or spanking my ds, but my mother knows that and we're at a good place with it now. If someone tried to smack/spank him, I would have a huge problem with that. But, if he's doing something he shouldn't do and I don't see it, by all means, tell him!

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by Mickey
I, too, think that irreplaceable and expensive breakables should be out of reach of small children.

As far as my telling other people's kids in my house, I go for it if the parents don't.....

If my mother told my ds off for something, I would be fine with that. But she wouldn't HAVE to do that unless I didn't see what he was doing. And I don't go for anyone saying "You're BAD!" or spanking my ds, but my mother knows that and we're at a good place with it now. If someone tried to smack/spank him, I would have a huge problem with that. But, if he's doing something he shouldn't do and I don't see it, by all means, tell him!

Ditto to these thoughts!!!

Wow about the girl with the cake - I can't stand passive parents in situations like that - where they almost act scared of their own kids and their reactions! :rolleyes:

[Mickey]

Originally posted by Diane P.
The part that got to me was the fact that my sister's (who's house we were at) grandson was staying with her during that time. He's 2 and the little girl who was being obstinent is 4. During her grandson's visit she never ever had to take one thing down/off the shelves. When/if she said "NO"... he would stop. My neices dd however didn't care and would keep it up. She'd stare you right back in the eye and just give you this look. Recently (during my dad's funeral) she found a golf ball under the bed and threw it at my mom... just missed hitting her in the head. She started laughing because she thought it was so cute/funny. AGAIN... the mom said nothing, but I did. My neice feels as if everybody is picking on her daughter. It's almost gotten to the point where nobody wants to invite them anymore... I'm just wondering how some of you handle situations like tihs.

Ann... how do you handle it when someone else starts diciplining your children in your own house... especially when they aren't doing anything wrong? It's SO hard to know what to do and how to react without hurting feelings. :)

Diane... :wave:


Oops, I posted before reading this (kept getting a fatal error!).

If she's 4, she should know better and is obviously doing it for attention or just because she can get away with it. Can anyone talk to the mother? Can someone nicely tell her that, while you all love her dd and think she is adorable, she simply can't try to hurt people and things? This is so touchy! While I would never allow ds to do stuff like that, my family is not used to kids (we don't live near them) and I sometimes feel a little bad...like they don't like him. But I know they just aren't used to kids in general, especially ones who are full of energy.

Regarding the difference in the two children, all kids are different. My cousin's first dd was calm and passive--would sit for hours watching t.v. if you let her and would NEVER get into anything. Her grandma had old knickknacks and old china dolls in little chairs on the floor and the kid wouldn't touch them! Then her sister was born. They had to clear out the place for her! My ds is like my cousin's younger dd--he was into everything (I think I posted about it many times!) and he still can't watch a movie all the way through without doing a few somersaults or jumping down the stairs several times.

While some people would like to take credit for the child being passive and not getting into stuff, thinking it's completely a result of their wonderful parenting, I think it has more to do with personality. This, mind you, is JMHO. :)

[Mickey]

Originally posted by KarlaB
If we are somewhere else dh or I always make sure our dks aren't into anything they shouldn't be, so usually it's not an issue to have others disciplining them for us. If they do something they shouldn't we take care of it before anyone else has to and I think it makes people enjoy our visits and our kids more. :)

I have often had to say something to my sisters kids because she is pretty lax and lets them do whatever wherever. :tearhair: I love them all dearly, but it can be frustrating, stressful and annoying at times.

I agree, Karla! I want people to enjoy having us, not thinking, "Oh, no...wish they weren't coming!" LOL!

[AnnW]

Amen to all kids being different, Mick!!! With ds, we thought we were just the most wonderful parents and then dd came along to wipe that SMUG look off our faces!!! LOL


I do think someone should try to point out to the neice that no one is picking on her child but that she is getting to be out of control and no one wants to be around her. I liked the way Mick put it.


As far as how I handle it when someone disciplines my kids unnecessarily...it really depends on the situation.

[RCT]

we have been dealing with this for a while ourselfs...I am really on my kids about behavor at others houses...we don't do things that we wouldn't do at our own home.......I have great nieces that are my kids age...and to tell the truth, since my SIL is only the aunt to mine but the Grandmother to them...mine get blamed for stuff that they didn't do...not saying that I have angels :angels: I don't I have kids....but I don't have problems at home with mine like we seem to have when they are all together...I also believe in the its breakable or precious...put it away....not leaving it in the childrens play area...

I try to disipline my own..and if I feel that what is being said to them is unfair or unwarrented...I have on occassion...called my SIL or Niece on it...away from the children of course...sticky situation though....

[kacee]

I try to watch my dd when we go visiting. I do ask the owner if there are any rules that we need to be ware of. We haven't had any trouble with this so far.

My house is pretty kid friendly. Sometimes, I will tell a parent that we don't eat in the family room in my house. The parent usually corrects the child. If they don't, I would give a friendly reminder.

Usually if children are over, I am babysitting them. Yes, I do discipline if it is needed. IT is usually playing referee.:rolleyes:

[MaryL]

I'm pretty "on top" of my kids when we are visiting other houses...or stores, etc. My boys are usually no problem. I make it quite clear with my neighbors, that they most certainly have every right to correct my boys if they are doing something that is unacceptable in their yards, houses, etc. It's a great neighborhood, because we all feel that way!

I have NO PROBLEM telling other people's kids to not touch things, etc. ;) It's the "teacher" in me! I can't help it! I need to have control! I can't stand chaos....(for instance...Chuck E. Cheese pizza place! Oh man! I just want to tell kids, "Wait in line. Take your turn. blah blah. That place drives me NUTS!) When I drop ds off at a b-day party, and all of the kids are running around, I usually try to get my ds and some of the others to calm down so the party can get underway! Most of the parents are soooooo grateful. Some people just don't feel comfortable talking to children that aren't there own.

[netmechwife]

I correct my children if they do something wrong at someone elses house and I keep an eye out for potential temptation for them. If someone elses child touches something or does something in my home that is unacceptable I will calmly tell them. Never had much of a problem. The parents I know usually have similar guidelines as I and follow through with their correction when they visit. I have run into people like your neice who gets upset if people correct her child but won't correct the child herself. It is touchy and agravating. And the same people act like their child is being picked on if they are corrected. GRRRRR...

It sounded almost as if the neice was just waiting for a good reason to complain about someone was treating her "baby".

I don't have a problem with someone correcting my children as long as they are reasonable in their expectations and I didn't realize what happened or I have left the person in authority over my child. I do not expect anyone else to spank my child.

I feel I am fairly good at handling my children in others homes but one occasion someone spanked my child because of something he did. I was there and saw what happened and could have handled the situation myself. That upset me and my child and hurt my childs relationship with the person. My child did not understand what he did wrong (was 1 at the time) and the correction didn't fit the crime anyway... Needless to say I do not let this person correct my child anymore...