Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

[Mickey]

I was just wondering how you handle fighting siblings. I guess it's different if there's a huge gap in age and the older one is obviously being cruel to the younger, but when my sister, brother and I were kids (all about 3 years apart), if we fought, we ALL went to our rooms. I remember it building a camaraderie between us--we were all on the same side then...all thinking that our mother was being mean because it "wasn't fair" of her to punish all of us like this! My sister and I shared a room and we would talk to my brother through the heating duct and when she heard us all giggling, she let us come out. I would think that punishing one consistently (whether it appears to be one-sided or not) would only cause more resentment between them. What do you think? How do you handle sibling rivalry?

[AnnW]

Not that anything I am doing is working (LOL) but we try to stay out of it as much as possible unless there is blood shed. We also punish both equally..cause 90% of the time I didn't see who did what to whom and who started it. We are coming down harder on ds for his smart mouth to his sister cause that's usually out of the blue.

I have to say that when my dd's have been united against me, I have a little glimpse of what their future might be. And it's hopeful. When I have to step in (and at their ages, it's becoming less often) I try to remember thatI rarely have the whole picture about what happened. If one feels that she has been treated unfairly and complains, I remind her that I probably guessed wrong last time too, but in her favor. Finally, I'm pretty consistent in ending any whining by simply stating "besides, I like her better." Since I use this phrase for all 3, they usually get the point. It cracks me up that they can go from screaming to giggling in about 2 minutes, so I try to take it pretty lightly.

[Diane]

Growing up I never noticed any sibling rivalry between my sisters and I until we got older ( and I'm talking ADULTS) when at least one of my sisters suddenly decided to think that the few other two were "competing" with each other (for what?) and she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with it or to be ANY part of it. (her excuse for not helping with my mom and dad) Well... I don't see where she thinks it is but, she's WRONG!!! (I hope she's reading this LOL) So... let's just say that it doesn't only happen with children but with adults as well.

As for my own children... they never fought too much. Their was a 2 year age difference between my first two and a 5 year age difference between the other two. By the time dd #1 started to show signs of bitchiness (sorry) dd#2 wasn't have too much to do with her anyway and was playing more with her little sister. If/when dd#1 said/did anything to the other two... she was not only reprimended and sent to her room but also made to apologize and HUG her sisters... whether she mean it or not I didn't care but she did it anyway. She didn't like it one bit and sometimes would be very verbal about it. I didn't care... the more verbal she was the longer she had to stay in her room. NO phone calls, no friends... no playing anything. I also told her that if she didn't LIKE it, perhaps she should think twice before opening up her big mouth, and then she wouldn't HAVE to do it. It was all HER choice. Well, she kept choosing to apologize and HUG her sisters (her sisters thought it was hilarious) and then one day it finally sunk in and she finally started leaving them alone. LOL She actually even started talking nice to them... :) I was always very consistent... and never gave in to her once. She'd BEG to go outside with her friends, big tear's included. I'll have to admit that she almost got to me a few times but I knew that if I did she'd pull that one on me over and over... LOL She basically didn't have a (social) life... with anybody! She was SOOOoo stubborn though and to this day still can be, but her and her sisters get along SOOOOo good. It's fun when she comes home to visit. Once in a while I'll get a little tear when I see them all together and hear them giggeling and laughing, goofing around and having a good time. They always give each other a big hug/kiss and an "I love you" before she leaves... So take heart, they DO get over it. LOL Some day they'll be best friends and dd will remind her brother just how mean he use to be to her. Of course, he'll deny it. LOL Good luck though. It definitely isn't easy/fun while your going through it. ;)

[Edited by Diane P. on 03-04-2001 at 11:01 AM]

[Suz]

I usually try to stay out of it and tell them they need to figure out a way to work things out.
Now, if they do something unkind to one another then the one who was the "victim" gets to choose something (with my approval) for the other one to do for him/her. Like one of their chores (make his/her bed, clean up his/her dinner dishes, etc.) or sometimes they choose for him/her to draw a picture for them.
It's not a perfect solution but makes them think twice before they act.
Or if all of the above doesn't work, I go to my room and shut the door. :)