To Tell the Truth?

[Amy2]

Okay, maybe this should be posted on the School Shooting thread, but I'm imagining we may all have very different opinions so I'm posting here.

Like all of you, this school shooting has me just tied up in knots. This morning I was reading the paper and my son (almost five) was asking me why I was so upset. I said "Do you know what a gun is?" and he said he did. I said "Well, this man (a man in the photo) was shot by a gun, and these Fire fighters (also in the photo) are helping him. And he was shot by a little boy! and I am really, really upset." He asked me where the boy got the gun and I told him I had no idea. He asked where the boy was and I told him he was in Jail, and he would never be able to play outside, or ride his bike, or see his friends or his family...ever, ever again!

Yesterday we had gone with a friend to an Arcade and the friend's dad let him do the Star Wars game. I don't let Tristan do ANY games with guns. I said "You know how I won't let you watch Pokemon or play with Star Wars things?" (I have told him no because "they are agressive and violent and I don't like that") I said "Sometimes I think that kids who watch those things and play with those things think that REAL guns are okay too." I think he was hearing what I was saying, but then he went off on this thing about the Star Wars arcade game (which he REALLY wanted to play) about how it wasn't a gun but "lights" and how much he wanted to play it... I am hoping some of it sunk in, I just don't know. I could tell it made him a little uncomfortable, because he was suddenly very interested in the Robins in our back yard. I do know that at the start of the conversation, when I was reading the paper and he saw the tears in my eyes he put his arm around my shoulder and tried to comfort me.

So. What do we do? Do we tell our sweet, innocent babies the truth about what is out there in the world so they know? How long do we protect them? I don't want to freak my children out, but real life happens!

When I explain things to him, I try to avoid the morbidity of it while still expressing the intensity of the situation. I just HATE that we have to do this! I am so, so, so sad for the poor parents and children at that school, and for ALL of us!

Okay, here I am going to probably piss some people off, but I am really upset right now. Our country has more access to guns than any others (other than the countries engaged in war) and our death rates are astronomically higher than those countries. To me, 2+2=4! When will we admit this, stop with all the semantics and do something about it!

Okay, now I'm starting to rant, so I'll stop. Sorry. I'm just really upset! Amy

[angie r]

I am with you Amy. After I read the paper today I was just plain P.O.'d :{. He gave sooo many signs and still nobody stopped him. I too don't know what to say to my kids. I don't want to freak them out. I sure do want to save their lives though.

[kacee]

Yes, I tell the truth!! I have my poor dd scared to death. I explained that I didn't want to frighten her but to make her aware. I worry about things like this!! IT is hard to know what to share and not to share. We still don't watch the news together. I like to be prepared with the things that we may be discussing. DD is only 7. Soon we will need to watch the news together.

So.. Here is a question for you?? Do you let your children watch the news??

[Mickey]

I really don't know the answer to this one, Amy. I don't like guns at all and I won't have them in my house or let ds play with toy guns--I even get him squirting fish instead of water guns. However, I grew up in a house full of guns and the thought of taking one to school never crossed my mind. And there were many kids who lived in the country and hunted and had their own guns at young ages and they didn't take them to school, either, back then.

I do think that talking to your kids is important. I don't want to frighten my ds and I do realize that there are some things he doesn't even have the capacity to understand yet, so I'm careful about what I discuss and how I discuss it.

I tend to think that this problem has a lot to do with parents not being in touch with their kids. They have "important" careers and meetings to attend and business trips to take and they're trying for that promotion and staying at work late. Many parents are divorced and dating and wrapped up in their personal relationships. And then they throw money and gifts at their kids to ease their guilt--money they use to get into trouble.

It just seems like the focus is not on kids anymore, like it used to be. I think that if you looked into the lives of these kids who do these horrible things, you'd find very unhappy kids who are ignored and not given much attention.

I don't know...I plan to always be very involved with my ds and I would hope that I would know if he was having a hard time at school and being teased and was unhappy. I would hope I would know that he had access to a gun. I would hope I would know if he had blueprints of his school.

I know you can't know EVERY thing about your child and EVERY move he/she makes, but I think if you're really in touch with your kids, you would know something wasn't right. You would know he was unhappy or depressed. You would see warning signs. And there are always warning signs that go unnoticed--they only see the signs when it's too late...after the tragedy.

[Edited by Mickey on 03-06-2001 at 01:24 PM]

[Lynda/WA]

I think you are really hitting on several different issues all lumped together. I'll just address telling kids the truth. I do think we need to make children much more aware of potential problems. We recently had a pedophile move in several blocks down. I showed DD (5) the picture. DS (9) and I have been having many talks for years but I haven't had as many with DD. We discussed what to do if someone stops to talk to them and such. We've talked about how *bad people* can look like anyone not just scary. She did freak out alittle and kept looking out the window to see if he was there. I've tried explaining that he (the pedophile) probably won't ever come near here but that being careful is the smart thing to do. It did freak her out for a time but she's gotten back to normal. I'd rather have her safe than sorry.
We've mentioned the school shooting but probably won't make a big deal out of it yet since statistically they are unlikely to ever be in one. A child is more likely to be knifed at school than shot. In fact a child is safer at school than at home.
I think wee need to take all tragedies - preventable or not. And use them as a learning experience. After the earthquake I explained to DD what to do. I'll probably start talking to DS about warning signs. I find it unbelievable that so many people including a parent knew what this shooter intended and did nothing.
One thing that bothers me is the lack of school security. They should be using previous violence as a learning experience as well. After Columbine I was sitting waiting for DS at school. Looking around I noticed a backpack laying there. Now, when I was military an unattended pack/package laying around was taboo and investigated. Once I was in the military dentist chair with brace holding my mouth open and the entire clinic was evacuated. A wrapped package had appeared an no-one knew from where. It turned out ok but better safe then sorry. I pointed out the backpack to the teacher as the entire school was walking past. She shrugged and said there are always backpacks laying around. I was stunned especially since this was just after Columbine and they had unattended backpacks with bombs laying around.

[Amy2]

Kacee, no I don't let my kids watch the news. The graphics and stories come up so fast, you don't know what will pop up before you have a chance to edit!

Linda/Wa, There's a school here where they leave their backpacks out on purpose! I was shocked when I saw all these back packs lying around. (I did some free lance teaching at this school) I was told it's a "trust" thing, where they they leave their packs out to say that they trust each other.

Also, I hear what you're saying about the school security, but I feel like that's, unfortunate, a necessary result of the violence. If we didn't have the violence in school, we wouldn't need the security and the fact that we are putting metal detectors in schools makes me sick.

[dotcommom]

I was reading all the thoughts on the school shooting and wanted to add my two-cents worth. The whole tragedy could have been avoided had some one spoke up and notified the authorities. From all I've read about it a number of people knew this kid(creep) talked about shooting up the school and no one did anything about it. I think we need to teach our kids the importance of speaking out when necessary to keep people from commiting these evil, tragic acts.

[Kezz]

Hi, im from australia, and im not sure if you are talking about the school shooting at colombine and littleton(i think it was) or has there recently been another?? If so was anyone injured? how old were the children?

[Amy2]

Kezz~ yes another one near San Diego. The shooter was fifteen years old. Two children were killed and several others injured. It's insanity! Amy