Have you chosen legal guardians for your child(ren)?

[Mickey]

If so, are they family or friends?

How did you decide?

[kathleen]

We haven't done it -- but know we need to. As to how you decide ... we don't now how, which is why we haven't done it. While we are on the subject, does anyone have any advice.

[Mickey]

I don't have any advice, Kathleen...we haven't done it yet either. I'm struggling with it because I don't know two people as perfect as dh and me! LOL! JK! (Sort of! ;))

Actually, I have two women (family members) I would like to name, but both of their spouses leave a bit to be desired, imo.

And what if you name someone, then you and your spouse die, then the guardians you name get your children and then the wife dies--then your child is left with the dh you don't really like or think will be good for your child(ren)? Can you name just the wife and once you do, is it then up to her to decide who gets your child(ren) after that? Can you stipulate what happens WAY down the road--"I want my child to go to ______ and when he/she dies, I then want my child(ren) to go to ______." etc.

Just seems so complicated/confusing and it's not a pleasant thing to think about. But I know it's necessary. That's why I'm asking.

[Amy]

We just recently had our wills done and put my Brother and SIL as my children's guardian. My brother is our executor if both of us were gone. They are good, established people and the kids really like them. Hopefully, nothing will ever happen to BOTH of us, but it feels good that two decent WANT my kids. :)

Kathleen, figure out who you trust and ask them. After everything is agreed upon, see your lawyer to draw up your wills.

[AnnW]

It's hard because no one does seem good enough and I am never going to die! LOL
We have done it, it's friends. We originally had my b&sil, but there were just too many issues involved that left me feeling uncomfortable. It was a very hard decision to not have them as guardians.
Mick, you can specify that person A gets the kids, If person A dies then person B and so on. In fact, you should name more than more person/couple in your will.
Also, we have been advised that the person that gets the children should NOT be the executor of the estate. It could sometimes be at cross purpose, and the executor is supposed to guard the wellfare of your children and estate. (worst case scenario, your guardian is your executor, he gets into a financial bind and spends some of your children's money)

[KarlaB]

Great question, Mick!!

This is something dh and I have also struggled with, so at this point no one has been named and it stresses me out. I know the importance of it and know we need to get it done, but I also know what a BIG decision it is and that's why it has taken us almost 5 yrs to do. :\

For those of you that have already named and chosen yours - do they have dks? Is it a big family? Did that play a role in your decision? Would any of you consider naming your parents as guardians if they were willing and able?

[MaryL]

We have named my sister...who is a single parent of two girls. She's engaged now...and we adore her fiance, so I'm still happy with the decision. She loves our boys and I know that she would raise them as if they were her own. No doubt about it. Dh and I are the named guardians for her girls. Dh's sister would have been an option, but she has stepchildren that she isn't that nice to. No way would I want my kids living with her..how would she treat them? ?( We're the named guardians for her kids, too! The only other serious option we had was our Home Day Care provider...who has always been very important in my kids lives. She knows them the best, and they are comfortable in her home. She is the person I use as an emergency contact here in town, because all of my family lives 2 hours away!

Dh's brother is the executor. It is soooo depressing to think about, isn't it????

[imamama]

I had a will done and named first my Mom, then, if something happened to her, my Dad, something happened to him, my brother. You can pretty much make guardianship any way you want it as well as putting certain stipulations on it as well. I made my will very detailed b/c of the situation with dd's father.... I now call him the sperm donor b/c he took off at the thought of responsibility and not putting himself first. So my lawyer put a special addendum that should he try to get so much as supervised visitation, he would have to pay for the paternity test (I didn't put his name on her birth certificate), have the matter taken before a judge and pay all court costs, attorney fees etc. That will stop him in his tracks for sure!!! But, I've since found out that there is a statute of limitations on paternity testing. woo hoo!!!!
I don't know why I'm airing all my dirty laundry!!!
To make a short story long, you can set it up things however you want them.

Good Luck, it's not an easy thing to do!

[Amy]

Originally posted by imamama

I don't know why I'm airing all my dirty laundry!!!
To make a short story long, you can set it up things however you want them.

Good Luck, it's not an easy thing to do!

LOL!! You get like that when you start to feel comfortable around here! I think we all have spilled our guts at one time or another. :)

[Cathy]

Dds father and I chose guardians years ago, and I'd still say that my ds/bil would be the best parents I could choose for them....the most like me in values and priorities, stable, etc. But things have changed. I wouldn't want their father to take over now and undo all the work I've put in. LOL So I had no choice but to make a deal with God. Just let me get them to legally independent age while I'm still in one piece....after that I know they'd have lots of good people who'd support them emotionally, and they can maintain their relationship with their father as it is. So far, so good. Oldest dd turns 17 next week, and I know she'd watch out for her sisters (not so much out of love, as fear of haunting visits from me. LOL) It is a little morbid to think about, but I have made them aware of where I store financial papers, and who I've trusted with their care, and where to go for advice and help. Hard decision all the way around......

I also wouldn't choose the same executor as guardian. The potential for conflict of interest is too high.

[imamama]

Originally posted by Amy/CO


LOL!! You get like that when you start to feel comfortable around here! I think we all have spilled our guts at one time or another. :)

Thanks!! Glad to know I'm not alone!! And I am feeling very comfortable here and loving it!!! Everyone here is wonderful!!

[Lynda/WA]

We changed ours. Before DS was born we talked about it and agreed on his sister as gaurdian and his Dad as exec. When we got to the lawyers office she asked who we wanted named as guardian. DH said his sis and BIL. I said no just the sis. We went round and round in the office until finally I said either do it my way or I am putting my family as guardian. I pointed out that if we named both and they got divorced, the BIL may have as much legal right as the sis. Afterwards the lawyer said she agreed with naming only the one person. Once you are dead they can change that if they wanted to make both husband and wife guardians. At the time they were the people in the best position to take care of unexpected kids. We didn't want our parents because we want them to enjoy being retired. My sis and brother were young and in school. His brother and SIL were an option but we decided against them for abunch of reasons. Financial, childrearing and differing outlook on life.

As I got to know DH's family better I started regretting who we chose but couldn't convince DH to change (we want both wills the same).

Since then family circumstances have changed. We have changed it to my sis the gaurdian and my mom the exec. Even though my sis is single she has a good job that is family friendly. No house but my extended family has built houses for others and my parents would give her the land. My entire family would be more helpful. She is very like me and would place the kids above herself. Both kids adored my family.

The change came when DH's family ignored both DD's 3rd birthday in a row and DS's birthday. I pointed out to DH that it would only get worse without us around. And the BIL/SIL had borrowed money to buy a house. When we bought he could have paid us back but talked about buying a different house. Then when our stuff was final he bought 30,000$ worth of toys (4 wheelers, big screen tv etc). I was extremely POd and pointed out to DH that they would spend the childrens inheritance. Even with his dad as exec and the sister as gaurdian, his brother would borrow against DH's trust (part of our estate) and they would let the brother. DH finally agreed. We have told everyone of the change and just need to make it official on paper. Just as long as we both die before that happens!

And yes, the lawyer also suggested writing backup people into the will. If my sis doesn't want to or is unable then my brother.

We only concidered family members. I do have a friend I would like raising the kids since her beliefs dovetail mine. It would be to tough because our families live in different states, we live in a third and she lives in a fourth.

[Linda/NE]

We haven't done this yet and with dh being sick and all it's really scary that we haven't. I think the biggest dilemma is that we'd have to split them up. I don't think there is anyone in a position to take them all. Of course we can't really agree on who it should be either. We, probably more me than dh, want our kids to continue to be raised Catholic. That rules out dh's brother's. One brother doesn't go to church on a regular basis and I don't think they'd make the effort to get the kids there. His other brother goes to a church where many members are 'anti-Catholic.' Between us, we've agreed to not get into agruments over religion, but I don't think they would feel right about keeping our kids active in the Church. Plus this brother still keeps in contact with dh's step sister and her kids and we want the kids to have nothing to do with her or her kids.

On my side my brother in Colorado is probably the best off financially, but he's too far away and it would be culture shock for the kids.

My older sister, who is a Godmother for 2 of my kids, would be great, but her husband is pretty controlling and I'm afraid of how he'd treat them.

My oldest brother and SIL would be okay, but they never spend any time with their own kids, so I don't see my kids getting the attention they need.

The best choices would be my little sisters but neither of them are married, yet. I don't think they'd want to take on a whole family either.

We really don't have that many close friends that would be willing to do it.

I guess it's like someone else said, we just can't die!!
8o

[littlesista06]

One or two of you have mentioned that you've changed who you named guardian. Did you tell the original person you named that you were changing??? If so - how did you tell them and how did they react???

Reason I'm asking is - dh and I decided on my sis and bil (and they accepted). But....some things happened and dh said no way to them - I finally came around and saw his view and I agreed - dd would not be better off with them. So, I went to our minister for advice on how to tell my sis we'd changed our minds. Minister said - "Don't tell her. No good can come out of telling her and the chances that anything fatal happening to the both of us is very small."
So, sis doesn't know yet (we have not had papers drawn up either). BUT we can't decide on anyone to be guardian. All of our siblings are in their late 40's or 50's and they don't want to start over. Our parents would do it, but they are in their 70's.... we don't have friends that we are that close to or trusting of.
So, we're undecided at this point.

[AnnW]

Sista....I do agree with your minister. You could write a note and include it in your will to be given to them with an explanation if you want.
In our case, my brother was drawing up our will so I had to tell him. It was very hard, but I wrote b/sil a letter just saying that I had prayerfully considered this change, and I really felt God was pulling me in a different direction. They accepted it fine.

[Mickey]

Ann, I'm happy to know that I can name individual people and stipulate what happens upon their death, etc. I know what I'd like to do now.

Jennifer, I agree--don't tell them. I had asked a couple already and I've changed my mind, but I don't intend to tell them. I'll write a letter like Ann suggested.

I saw a show a while back and they talked about what could happen if you don't name someone. Laws vary by state, but...if, say, you and dh/dw are in a car accident and you die at the scene and your dh/dw dies a week later at the hospital, guess who your kids will likely end up going to if you have nothing in writing? The parent of the last surviving--your mil! 8o That is extremely scary imo! I need to do this ASAP.

[littlesista06]

I hadn't thought of writing them a letter - that's a really good idea - thank you. :)

Now, we just have to decide on someone. This is such a hard choice.

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by Mickey
I saw a show a while back and they talked about what could happen if you don't name someone. Laws vary by state, but...if, say, you and dh/dw are in a car accident and you die at the scene and your dh/dw dies a week later at the hospital, guess who your kids will likely end up going to if you have nothing in writing? The parent of the last surviving--your mil! 8o That is extremely scary imo! I need to do this ASAP.

YIKES!!!!! Even dh would agree with me that his mom is the last place he would want our dks to go. I am interested to know what the law is in MN. Regardless we really need to get this figured out soon.

[Marla]

We decided that my sister and brother-in-law would be named as guardians.

It was actually a no-brainer because for us. My kids adore their whole family (they have two kids 14 and 16).

Both DH and I decided that of all our other siblings....we were not fond of having their spouses raise the kids.

[Lynda/WA]

Sista - we changed both who we had listed as primary/alternate guardian and the executor. We never said anything about the change in executor. Telling DH's side that we had changed who we had listed as guardian just sort of happened. DH/MIL/went to see The Jungle Book (w/ Rosie O'Donell) with the kids. MIL/FIL were spending the night since we had a family party at our house the next day. When he went to bed DS mentioned that the boys parents died. I could tell he was really thinking about what would happen to him if DH and I died so I explained to him that they would go live with Aunt Renea. That led to a bit of a discussion on details. Like how she would know and how they would get to WI. I then went into the other room with FIL/MIL and mentioned that the movie worried DS and that I had reassured him that he would go live in WI with my sister. MIL/FIL made no comment. The next day when both SILs (including the one we had origionally asked 9 years prior) were in the room I brought up the previous nights senario. Again they made no comment. In all honesty they don't pay very much attention to what DH and I say so they could have forgotten one or both discussions within minutes! I was sort of hoping they would ask questions since I'd like to bring some of our reasons into the open. When we origionally made our wills we explained to my Mom and sister why we decided as we did in favor of DH's family. They understood. When when we changed our minds we explained to my Sis and Mom why we now wanted my Sis instead of SIL.

In your case I'd take Ann's advice and leave a letter.

In our will it specifies a 30 day survival critiera for both adults and the kids.

Our will was written by military lawyers so I assume it's designed to meet the criteria for all states. I know all states vary. Some of it sure seems overkill! (no pun intended!) Three witness signatures, a notary and affidatives from the witnesses and myself to go with saying that those are our signatures. None of the signatures are the lawyers. Mom said that all of theirs included only their signature, the lawyers and one other witness. Guess number of signatures is one thing that varies from state to state.

When I was in Germany one of my co-workers came into an unexpected inheritance. He had never even heard of the woman. She died without a will. The laws of whatever state she was in divided the estate up so much even though he heard that she had close family. He really felt bad for those close to her.

My Mom did alot of research into estate planning since she is executor for her parents and her aunt. She read of cases were court appointed executors would come in and count everything straight down to paperclips to get a value of the estate. They would spend so much time that all of the money went to pay their wages and other court costs. Even without guardianship issues, you realy don't want to leave this stuff up to the court.

[Ryleigh]

Should anything happen to us the dk's would go to one on dh's sisters and her husband. They are unable to have children of their own (but are working on adopting), and almost treat the kids as if they were their own now. The kids love them dearly.
We haven't updated our will since the babies came along. We will have to see how they feel about taking the whole crew. I don't see it being an issue, but having 5 kids suddenly dropped off on your doorstep could be a little much for anyone. I would really hate the thought of them not being together though.

[Diane]

My two oldest dd's are old enough to be on their own/take care of themselves... My oldest dd I'm sure would take care of her younger sister until she graduated and could move out on her own... which wouldn't be too much longer. When the kids were younger they would have gone to my oldest sister and her dh. It's nice knowing that when/if anything ever did happen to dh and myself... that they are all old enough to be able to understand/cope and deal with what's happened without too many changes happening in their lives. Hopefully it will never happen but... you just never know. :)

Diane... :wave:

[Diane]

Originally posted by MaryL
The only other serious option we had was our Home Day Care provider...who has always been very important in my kids lives. She knows them the best, and they are comfortable in her home. She is the person I use as an emergency contact here in town, because all of my family lives 2 hours away!

I was surprised when I read this because I had two of my families who's children I care for come to me and ask me how I would feel about taking their child/ren when/if something were to happen to them. One parent had just divorced her dh and she didn't want him to have her ds... I told her that I didn't think it would fly because her dh of course would more than likely get custody seeing he's the dad. I don't think it would matter who SHE wanted him to go to or not go to. (did that make any sense at all? LOL) Another family has brothers and sisters but their dd doesn't really KNOW them. THEY don't know her that well either... at least not like I do. She is very comfortable here with me and dh... plus they (the parents) are the same ages as my dh and I. I'm not too sure how I would feel about starting out all over again with a little one but... I would do it if it came right down to it. I'm thinking that the aunts/uncles might have an issue with their decision and fight for custody of her... but I'm not too sure how all of that really works. I'm not even sure if they actually left me as her guardian... wouldn't I have had to sign something if they had? I was very honored though to think that they had even thought that much of me to trust their children's lives with me. It made me feel pretty good. :)

Diane... :wave:

[MaryL]

Originally posted by Diane P.


I was very honored though to think that they had even thought that much of me to trust their children's lives with me. It made me feel pretty good. :)

Diane... :wave:

Well, you should feel good about that!:) Our Fam. Day Care person has been a very important person in my dk's lives. She has always treated them with respect, kindness, and love. She lives in the same town we do (the kids wouldn't need to move to a new city/state), and the kids could go to the same school and be with their same friends. And although we did choose my sister, I think these are reasons why we considered our sitter as an option. I know she'd take them if it came down to it. Her children are a little older than ours (14, 13, and 11). You do alot for the families you help our with Child Care. It's an incredibly important relationship you're creating with those people!

[JAK]

If anything happens to us our dks would go to my sil. If she weren't around for some reason then they go to my other sil. It wasn't really a hard decision for us to make at all.