death in the family...

[JAK]

I haven't ever really talked much about my parents on the board- my parents have been divorced for 15 or 16 years. My dad moved away and my mom got remarried (to a wonderful man). My dad and I never had a great relationship (his choice), because he is an alcoholic he has made a lot of poor choices in the time after he and my mom divorced. I try and keep in contact with him by writing letters and sending pictures, but he never responds.

I got a phone call last night telling me that my dad died. They found his body yesterday. I've cried, I'm in shock and just plan numb. I know that he loved me, but because of the alcoholism he didn't know how to show me that love. Now I don't know what to do... I can't explain in words how I feel, because I really don't know how I feel.

I gave just a small part of my history with him, but in all honesty I could probably type all day about all the many ways he hurt me emotionally over the years because of his drinking.

I don't know if I should go to the funeral or not. If I do it will be a pain because I have to rearrange so many things in my life to get there- not to mention spend $1200 and 12 hours on a plane (which I hate to fly). In a way he hurt me so bad at times that I don't want to have to rearrange my life yet again for him, but then I think maybe I should go just for closure.

I know I'm rambling, but I'm just so confused. :\

[PamE]

Oh, Jen! I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. :\ {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[RCT]

I'm sorry for you loss....I know this must be a difficult desicion for you.....you can get Bereavment fares on your plane tickets...but let me say too.... Follow your heart on this one honey.....closure is great....and if you can do it your own way, wonderful....I feel that no one else has a right to tell someone what/where/ or how they should grieve, with that said.....again I am so sorry your going through this.....(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

[angie r]

I'm so sorry. It looks like you have taken the high road throughout your life, good for you! Are there other relatives that will be at the funeral you'd like to see? IMHO I'd go to the funeral. Not trying to sway your decision, just saying what I'd do. The closure would be good for me and I feel in my heart I'd always done all I could do no matter what he did to me. That is my "pleaser/middle child" part of me.

Prayers for you!!

[SMB]

I'm sorry Jen. I'm not sure if I would go or not. My father is also an alcoholic so I can relate to what you are saying. My father is only 4 hours away so I would probably go, but if it was a really long way and involved arranging daycare for the kids I'm just not sure if I would go. I guess if it were possible I would go because I probably would not regret going, but I might regret not going. (does that make sense) I'm really sorry for your loss, good luck with your decision.
Sheryl:)

[Diane]

I'm so sorry for your loss Jen... I can't tell you what to do or what not to do either. No matter which way you look at it though, good or bad, he was your dad. I guess it would totally depend upon how you feel about him... If you have any kind of feelings what so ever towards him... I'd go, because if you don't go, you might/could resent your decision for the rest of your life. If you honestly don't have any feelings for him, (except resentment) maybe it would be best if you didn't go, OR... perhaps by going, you might be able to see/talk to some of your other relatives and maybe find out some good things about your dad that you didn't know before... and maybe then you could come back home having better feelings about him?? ? I think this is a decision that only you can make. :) Good luck!

Diane...

[Marla]

I'm sorry for your loss Jen. It's a difficult decision to make, but I think you have to do what your heart tells you to. (((((hugs)))))

[Amy]

Im sorry Jen. Alcoholism runs in my family and I know what it can do to you. Its a hard decision for you to make. There are many ways to say goodbye and to forgive. I don't think its absolutely necessary for you to do it person at the funeral.

[KarlaB]

{{{Jen}}} I am so sorry for your loss and the mixed emotions you are feeling. Alcoholism runs in my family, too, and I know the flood of problems it can cause. :( Great advice from the other gals. Follow your heart and do what feels best for YOU with no regrets. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!

[Mickey]

I'm so sorry, Jen.

Lots of good advice. And I agree that the decision has to be yours.

I do like Diane's comment about how you just might hear some good stories about him that may help you through it.

p.s. If you do decide to go, bereavement fares are half the regular, short-notice price, btw...some airlines require a copy of the death certificate. Just ask what they require before you book it.

[littlesista06]

Jen, my sympathies are with you and your family.

I had the same experience with my dad. Alcohol was not the problem, but more like he was just not grown up enough to have the responsibilites of being a husband and father (he left 5 of us).

Anyway - when he died, I didn't go to the memorial service. He suffered terribly with cancer, and I new the end was near, but I did not make a move towards him. I do not regret anything I did or did not do.

You have gotten good advice here, but it's time to listen to your heart. My prayers are with you.

[darlene]

Originally posted by JAK
My dad and I never had a great relationship (his choice), because he is an alcoholic he has made a lot of poor choices in the time after he and my mom divorced. I try and keep in contact with him by writing letters and sending pictures, but he never responds.



I am so sorry Jen. (((((Hugs)))))

I could have written what you wrote. My dad left us (5) when I was 10 yrs old and I have only seen him once since then. I too send him pictures of the kids, but never have I gotten a response. IMO I wouldn't go to the funeral with all that is involved in getting there. Maybe if it were closer....but there are other ways of saying goodbye.

:)

[AnnW]

Jen, I am so sorry you are going through this.
One way to have closure would be to write him a letter, say all the things you have wanted to say, tell him goodbye, and then burn the letter, spread the ashes some place special to you and have a little memorial there.
Good luck in your decision.

[Cathy]

Jen, I'm so sorry for your loss. Even without a good relationship, he was still your father, and that is a loss. I'm sorry for you that he made the decisions that he did. I do understand how frustrating and hurtful it can be to live with that. I don't think that going to the funeral is something that you do for him. Will there be people there who maybe feel his passing more deeply, that will be comforted by your presence? Or would it be doing something that you feel you 'should'? Follow what you feel, and know that prayers and wishes for your peace are on their way to you.

[MaryL]

{{{Jen}}} I'm like Darlene...I could've written the same letter, also! My dad was an alcoholic, and my mom left with us when I was 8 (with my sis and bro)...I saw my dad a couple of times, last time when I was 12 and then he just disappeared! Truly... an actual missing person. 8o I don't know what happened to him...but I do know that I'm not interested in finding him. He left us and that hurt. He was never a "father" to us...my mom did all of the parenting. I'm not sure what I'd do if he died (he may be dead already, in my situation). He's not been a part of my life for MOST of my life. I've forgiven my dad, mostly because I couldn't live my life with bad feelings. He hurt me, he abandoned me, but I blame his illness. My mom lives in the same town we always lived in (and has kept her married name) so if he wanted to find us, it would be easy. At least you had an address to send pictures of your kids to...we don't even have that. When my kids ask about my dad (their other "grandpa"), I just say that he died a long time ago.

Do what feels right. If you feel like going to the funeral would be the best for you..., would help you put some closure on things, then do it. But don't do it out of obligation.

(Isn't it kind of wierd how similar alot of our experiences are???)

[Linda/NE]

(((Jen))) I'm sorry for your loss. I have no advice, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

[JAK]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

I am going to the funeral, but it's been a tough choice. On the one hand I think I'll regret not going someday, but on the other hand I think I might regret going! My mom is going with me- I asked her to go and she said she would if I wanted her to. I just don't want to do this alone (an to some extent I think she needs some closure with him as well, as I know he hurt her badly). I've always wondered waht I would do when the day came that he did die and not I don't have to wonder any more.

Ann, I actually wrote my dad a letter and sent it to him about 6 years ago. It was not a very nice letter to say the least and I wrote out all the things that I was feeling about him and all the reason I felt that way. It was a great release for me to do that and I felt better knowing that he knew how I felt. After that I did talk to him off and on for a while. (He was actually sober for a few months in 1996 and we talked on the phone weekly. It was short lived, but it was good while it lasted)

Another reason I want to go is that there are relatives there that I have not seen in over 15 years and they will all be there. One main person I want to see is my grandma. I saw her in 1999 and she has been in the hospital a few times since I last saw her. I'm sure that this will probably be the last time that I actually get to see her alive as I do not ever go to Missouri and that is where they all live. I'm also looking forward to seeing my cousin Tricia- she used to post here as TriciaK. I have not seen her in 15 years and I can not wait to see her. I'm hoping that despite the reason for the trip that it will be a good one, just seeing and meeting relatives for the first time will be fun. (hopefully)

It will be a short trip though, I'm leaving here Friday and returning Monday. How's that for a short stay? Also the $1200 was the beverement(sp?) price that I could find :\ I now have the military looking at getting me a ticket and I think they will be able to get it much cheaper.

[Leigh]

Jen, I am sorry for your loss. As far as your trip home goes, won't the military pay for it all. I was told when my grandmother died that they would have paid for it had it been my mother, father, sister, brother, or a child, and I was a spouse too. I would check into it if I were you. It might just be army, but if it is, that would be the only thing (IMHO) the army is better at.

[JAK]

Originally posted by Leigh
Jen, I am sorry for your loss. As far as your trip home goes, won't the military pay for it all. I was told when my grandmother died that they would have paid for it had it been my mother, father, sister, brother, or a child, and I was a spouse too. I would check into it if I were you. It might just be army, but if it is, that would be the only thing (IMHO) the army is better at.

The Air Force is paying my whole airfare and my rental car to get there. It has been a lot of running around to get it done, but yes, since it is a parent they do pay. I didn't know they did that, but made some calls and we got it taken care of.

I am leaving here Friday and returning on Tuesday. It's been a crazy few days arond here, trying to get this taken care of. Today is my dd's birthday and I didn't want to leave before her b-day, so that's why I'm not leaving until Friday (and they waited to have the funeral until Sat. so I could be there).

[AnnW]

Glad it worked out! I hope you get the peace you are looking for.

[KarlaB]

Hang in there Jen! Wishing you lots of strength in the upcoming days!!

[kacee]

Coming in late here!! I am glad that you have made your decision. I know that things will work out well for you. You are making lemonaide out of lemons. IT is great to see your good attitude.


Happy travels!!

[Leigh]

I am glad that it worked out for you. Wishing you safe travels. Let us know when you get back.

[Ryleigh]

coming in late with my sympathies, and prayers for you and your family, that you find the peace and closure that you are seeking.
Glad the air-fare thing all worked out for you and that you have your mothers support.
Looking forward to hearing from you when you return.

[kat]

Jen, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you agonized over your decision. I think it is good that you go and remember him as a better man. Think on the good times that you did have and not the bad. I know my grandfather nearly died a year ago and believe me there is no love lost there, but I saw during his recovery how very much my grandmother loved him (even though he is a cruel alcoholic himself - she'd cry as she told me how he always got up early and brought her coffee in bed). Had he died, I'd have gone to the funeral for her and thought about the good things he did. Now when that time does come I know I will go.

Hope you find closure. My prayers are with you.