Need advice

[TXmom]

I may regret posting this in an open forum, but I'm in desperate need of some unbiased advice. Dh and I are seperated. I asked him to leave the Friday before Easter. This decision was a shock to everyone except me, so now everyone thinks I'm having a mid life crisis at 37. The timing of this is terrible, but I had had all I could take. Dh is very jealous and controlling. I cannot tell you how many times he's accused me of having an affair over the years. So now, I'm a month away from graduating, but I need to find a job now and move out. I don't know if I'll get into grad. school this Fall. What prompted me to post this is I had a panic attack last night and I'm not doing much better today. D(insert your own adjective)h is pressuring me every day to get a job. I'm looking, but I'm not going to work at McDonald's. I have a few leads, but I'm waiting to be called for interviews. I didn't get into the graduate school I wanted, so now I'm scrambling to be accepted somewhere else. All I can do is wait until I hear from admissions. Dh has taken all the money and credit cards, so I literally was down to 75 cents yesterday. I honestly care about this man, but I do not want to be married to him anymore. I was reading the personals on Yahoo that Amy posted about. I'd like to start dating again sometime, but I am NOT interested in finding a husband, and my children already have a father. I scheduled a GYN appointment because I haven't had one in about 4 years and I'd like to prove to everyone that I do not have a hormone imbalance. Hopefully ya'll can follow this because I know I'm rambling. I feel much better just getting to vent. Also, I hope over the next couple of weekend i can get together with some girlfriends and talk. The problem is I've devoted my life so much to my kids and school the last 7 years that I don't have many friends close by. So, I'd love to hear any words of advice or encouragement, but please be nice, I can't take much more!

[AnnW]

Do NOT leave your house! Change the locks on the doors TODAY! Get an attorney NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your dh, regardless of what happens, has no right to empty your accounts and leave you penniless. You are in Texas now, and this is community property. Right now, your asset is your home.
He can't force you to do anything. Is he not even providing for the kids?

Get an attorney!!!!!!!!!


I am really sorry that you are going through all this. I had a feeling something was going on with you since you haven't been posting much lately. Take care. Any old friends in OK that you could call?

Get an attorney!!!!

[TXmom]

He gives me money, but I have to ask him for it, and that just pisses me off! Apparently his attorney has told him that the deal we had of me taking care of the kids and him paying all the bills was voided when I "kicked him out".

He comes over and takes care of the kids on the nights I have school, and takes them on the weekends.

I would rather move out because I cannot afford or maintain this house, but I want the boys to still have their home. Also, I'd like to live in an apartemnt because then we have access to stuff like the pool and fitness center. Is that crazy?

I plan on getting my own attorney, but I don't have any money right now.

I actually have an old high school friend who lives close by and we're going to try to get together next weekend. I'm hoping I can get together Saturday with some people from OK. I'm feeling really isolated right now. Anybody want to go get a margarita?! LOL Actually just getting to type all this stuff makes me feel so much better! I called a couple of people last weekend, but haven't talked to anyone since all this pressure over the job and grad school came to a head.

[RCT]

Oh Donna.....(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) sorry your going through this...

I have to agree with Ann...get an attorney...your own....I know money is tight....but, payments can be worked out....you need someone looking out for your best interests....

Also DON'T leave the house....I know its tough, unless that is what you really want....you can get through this...

You can still graduate....I know its going to be tough....DON'T let him pressure you....your worth what you want in life....hang in there honey....sorry things are so rough right now....we are here for ya....:heart:

[Amy]

Wow! I'm stunned, but feel really very angry for you. Dh has no right to control the $$. Still call an attorney. Some may not ask for money upfront and will get paid once the settlement is made. You need to have your rights protected and he can't close you out of your account.

I think only you know why this is happening now. Could you have been biding your time until you graduated college so you could break free? If that is not it, it may be hormonal (not what you wanted to hear prob). My old neighbor turned 40 and totally freaked out. Left her dh who wouldn't harm a flee. I believe that she ended up having whacky hormones. I also think that a lot of people find some moment in their life where they look back and just realize they are not happy in their current life. Whatever your reasons are, they are valid to you, so no one can tell you you are wrong.

Once again-like Ann said-call an attorney ASAP!!! See if one will do pro-bono.

[KarlaB]

I am sorry I don't have any advice. Just take care of yourself and your boys ~ and hang in there. And, like the others said, get an attorney asap. {{{Donna}}}

[AnnW]

Donna, of course his attorney is saying that, he's HIS attorney.!!!!!!
Get an attorney. Many will make their fee part of the settlement. Do not wait, do it now!
Do NOT sell your house till you have your own attorney. Your dh has to help pay for it now. This is a no cause state so it doesn't matter if you asked him to leave.

[AnnW]

Donna...here are some links

this is how divorce works in Texas
http://www.raggiolaw.com/txart06.html#5

same law firm, another good article
http://www.raggiolaw.com/other1.htm

http://www.dallas-divorce-lawyer.com/faqs.htm#IV.%20Does%20it%20Matter%20Who%20Brings%20the%20Action?

Does it Matter Who Brings the Action?

The person who brings the case first gets to talk first. Some lawyers swear that there is an advantage to being first. Others say it doesn’t really matter. There is no negative connotation attributable to the spouse who brings the action or to the person who responds to the action. However, as one lawyer said, "first impression are lasting impressions."

If family violence has been a part of your life, you need to take action. It is more credible for a victim of family violence to bring the action first.




At least talk to an attorney!!!!!!!

[KathyT]

Donna, I'm so sorry you are going through this. However, if it is what you want, then good for you for having the strength to make the change.

Like everyone else said, I would advise you to speak to a lawyer. Your situation is not unique in that you don't have access to the money, they deal with that all the time and know how to make things right.

I hope you find someone to talk to, what about your family? maybe a support group?

How are the boys taking it?

[Cathy]

Donna, I'm so sorry. No matter what the reasons, no one will ever really understand, and that's okay. But it is not where you pictured that you'd be. It is a loss. Give yourself permission to grieve. It doesn't matter that you made the decision. My heart is breaking for you. I know how hard this can be.

Noone ever knows what goes on inside a marriage but the 2 people involved. You don't need to explain to anyone.

Get an attorney. If you don't find one who will wait to be paid, call legal aid (your local bar association will give you numbers), or borrow the money. Sell his golf clubs if you want! If you don't have an attorney of your own, (and if you don't listen to your attorney!!!) you'll get screwed.

Do not feel humiliated or angry about asking for money. It belongs to you. Don't let him feel that he is doing you a favor. And don't count on him to do the 'right thing'. No matter how well you know him, he'll surprise you. I can guarantee it. I'm glad he's spending time with the boys. It makes them feel that it's not their 'fault'. It isn't anyone's fault, so don't waste your energy laying blame or blaming yourself.

Stay in the house until you settle things a little. It's not a great time for long-term plans. Look carefully at jobs and schools. Pick things with lots of options. Try to give yourself some breathing room.

In my opinion, stay away from dating for a little, but get together with friends (in person, by phone, here at IB) as much as you can. I don't remember, where's your family? Could they help you emotionally or financially?

If I can help, please ask me anything. I'll give you my email if you want a more confidential forum.

chchip@twcny.rr.com

[MaryL]

{{{{Donna}}}} You've gotten great advice here. Breathe....! We're here for you to vent to!

[imamama]

So sorry this is all happening. But you're a strong woman, and it's okay for you to take charge of your life. Take the great advice given. Get an attorney and don't back down. Do not move out of the house yet. Wait until you go to court. I can completely understand you wanting to get an apartment. You're ready for your life to change and it will happen, just give it time and don't get discouraged.

Trust me, you can do it on your own. If I can be a successful single mother, ANYONE can!!!

Keep posting and talking through it. That will definitely help. And be persistent with your friends. Let them know you need their support right now.

Everything will work out. It will... so even when the tunnel looks the longest and darkest... remember there's a light at the end (how cheesy and cliche was that ?!!! :lol:

Keep smilin'!!

[TXmom]

Sorry guys, h has found this thread and is reading everying I write, which drives me nuts, so I won't be posting about this anymore. He's also printing everything off for his attorney, although I can't imagine why he thinks that will be beneficial. Thanks for all your support - ya'll are great!

[Mickey]

I'm so sorry, Donna.

Was going to e-mail you, but can he get to that, too?

Maybe you can open a yahoo or hotmail account?

[RCT]

Originally posted by TXmom
Sorry guys, h has found this thread and is reading everying I write, which drives me nuts, so I won't be posting about this anymore. He's also printing everything off for his attorney, although I can't imagine why he thinks that will be beneficial. Thanks for all your support - ya'll are great!


OMG 8o

I agree...find a secured email addy....yikes.

[Amy]

Tell him to kiss my a$$ and print that out too!! Then he can shove it somewhere where the sun don't shine. LOL I hate men like that!!!!

[Marla]

Originally posted by TXmom




I'm feeling really isolated right now. Anybody want to go get a margarita?! LOL .

Donna if I could meet you for a drink, I'd be there in a second. Any time you want to talk or just vent, we're here for you. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all this (((((hugs)))))

I would defiantely get a lawyer, change the locks, and defiantely secure an e-mail account that he can't access.

[PamE]

ROFL, Amy/CO!! :) Control freaks make my blood boil. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself or your actions to anyone, Donna. No advice, just {{{{HUGS}}}}

[littlesista06]

Donna, {{{{hugs}}}} to you. Even if you cannot post you can read that we are ALL here for you, ready to listen and give advice if needed.

I agree word for word with Amy/Co - he can 'stick it' - it's a small man that plays games like this.

I can imagine this is completely gut-wrenching and I hope all turns out well for you and your dks. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[kat]

Donna, bless your heart. I was shocked and read a third of the way through the thread with my mouth open in disbelief, then tears started to flow as I had flashbacks to 20+ years ago. Listen to everything Cathy said. It's all true. Especially the part about him surprising you. That may be all to evident now since he thinks what we say to you in support will somehow work to his advantage and is printing it for his lawyer. I can't empasize enough how much you need your own lawyer. Cost be damned! We'll take up a collection here if we need to. Honey, I know that you are torn in many directions now, make sure your rights are protected. Even if you don't want to post any more here, keep reading. We are here for you.

[Diane]

((((((((((DONNA)))))))))) I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. I have no great advice... but it sounds like all the other's have already given you about the best advice you can get. :)

I really commend you for taking the necessary step's in order to get on with your life... so you can move on and be happy. I wish my mom had done what you're doing... She stayed married to my dad for 54 years because she was afraid to leave... and although I think she did love him, I don't think she really liked him very much. :( He was also very controlling and was constantly accusing her of having affairs. That's no way to have to live... I'm just SO glad that you're taking a stand and not putting up with it anymore. This all may be hard on you right now... but in the end you'll be a lot happier. Hang in there... :)

Diane... :wave: