they don't listen to me

[RCT]

anyone have kids who just tune you out? boy this morning I was ready to throw my son out the door....LOL...he just wouldn't listen to me at all.....like I was invisable....why do they do that to us.....URGH. any suggestions on how to get them to listen? oh he's 5 going on 6, but he may not make it....LOL....dd is starting to ignore me too....help

[KarlaB]

Sometimes I start talking about something totally off the wall or throw in a word that I know will catch ds's attention (like Scooby Doo LOL!) I try to change the tone of my voice and sometimes even whisper in hopes that he'll stop tuning me out and wonder what I am up to, however this doesn't always work and I have to repeatedly just say his name until I can get him to look at me! Don't know if this helps much, but just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone on this one. :)

[JeannieOR]

I difination here you on that one. I haven't meet one kid yet who couldn't filter me out, especially when the TV's on. Of course does get their attention whem you stand it front of the TV. "Now here this, I'm going to say something and I want you to look at me!"

(Sound familiar.)

[angie r]

I scream at the top of my lungs!!! rofl Scares the crap out of them.

[Diane]

I've had MANY kids who do/try this on me too. It's too funny though because as I'm doing this I'll insert something into my sentence like... and who wants a cookie? (or whatever were going to have later for our snack) It's funny how they hear THAT part of the sentence but nothing else. LOL The BEST way I've found out works is... I get down to THEIR level. I swear during the day I spend over half of my time squatting or sitting on the floor... eye level WITH the kids. I look and talk directly TO them... never AT them... and I never SHOUT. If they look at me as if they haven't heard me or as if they don't understand what I've said, I ask them to please try to REPEAT what I said. Their usually pretty good about listening now though... Usually when they see me start squatting to their level, they stop to hear what I have to say. LOL Does this make any sense at all??? :)

[KarlaB]

Diane - That's SO true about getting down to their level! You have such wonderful advice and insight for everyone here and on such a variety of topics - you have some lucky little ones at your house! :)

[RCT]

I love the scooby doo, and who wants a cookie...LOL..sometimes I think the quieter I speak the more intersted in me they are...LOL...thanks again...felt like no one was hearing me....

[Amy2]

I agree with just about everything said here. Except the shouting. That may work once or twice, but you'll probably find yourself shouting a lot.

I think it depends on what you are trying to say. Are you trying to get them to come to dinner? You walk up, turn off the tv and say "dinner" and walk to the table. They hear you. If they pretend they don't, they're probably trying to get a rise out of you. Sometimes I will simply turn off the tv and stand in front of the kids and quietly repeat myself then wait for a response. Another thing I read that I found works well is, instead of saying "Please clean the playroom" or "Please make your bed" I say "I see your bed is still unmade" or "I see your train is still out in the playroom." Then leave it at that. If they don't take any initiative, you can turn off the tv or whatever and say it again. But you just say it and leave. You don't keep harping on them, because that's when they REALLY tune you out. It's like, you ASSUME that OF COURSE they'll listen to you! That's just a given. And you act shocked when they don't. You ask incredously "Are you ignoring me?" Then later when they want something from you, you say again "Well, I see that your bed still isn't made" or whatever.

Okay, I'm starting to ramble so I'll stop now!

Amy

[TXmom]

I'm interested in discussing Amy's suggestion of making a statement about something rather than directly telling your child what you want them to do. Or, making a statement about something your child has done rather than praising them. For example, if your child draws a picture, rather than saying "That is an awesome drawing!", the parent is supposed to comment something like this: "That's a really blue sky you drew.". What do ya'll think of this? Amy, I'm certainly not criticizing your parenting because Lord knows I'm not the greatest parent in the world, but I'm interested in this form of communicating. It must be the Speech pathologist in me. I know I like people to be direct with me and just tell me what they want. I don't like having to guess about people's intentions. Also, what's wrong with praising our children's efforts. I tell ya, if your own Mother can't think you're incredible, who in this world will? I'd really be interested in people's opinions on this.

Oh, and angie, I had to LOL at your post!

[Diane]

I don't know exactly what kind of an answer you're looking for but I'll answer it the best I can... when doing day care I tell the kids directly what I want them to do... no room for argument/discussion. I never ask if they will... because it isn't a choice, but something that needs to be done. I EXPECT it to be done. They never play games to get a rise out of me because they know that it will get them nowhere.

As far as the example of the picture, if I complimented only the sky and not the entire picture... they would think I only liked the sky. I might tell them what an awsome picture I thought it was, then add how much I liked the colors they used... Am I answering this question right??? Not too sure if this is what you're asking. Thanks!!!

Diane P.

[KarlaB]

There is a book we discussed in ds's class about making a statement rather than nagging a child to get something done and it is supposed to work. I cannot for the life of me remember the title of the book, but we watched a movie about it where the woman discussed many approaches to parenting. I can find out the name of the book if anyone is interested.

As far as making a statement about artwork - I am all for complimenting/praising our kids. I have heard to make comments like, "That is a very beautiful picture you painted. I really like all of the bright colors you used." Not to say, "Oh you are the best artist" or "That is the best picture I have ever seen". I compliment my kids on a daily basis and I love the look of pride on their faces. :)

I have also heard that you shouldn't make comments like, "You are so smart" or "What a good boy you are" and try to say things like, "I like the way you figured out that problem" or "I am really proud of the way you acted when we were at church" so that if/when things don't go right for our kids that they then don't interpret themselves as being bad or stupid? I think I am explaining that correctly...? In class we have also discussed not telling kids they are naughty. An action they do may be naughty, but the child shouldn't get the impression that he/she is naughty. Does that make sense? I try to avoid using the word naughty altogether, but will tell my dks certain things are not nice to do. I am getting off the topic here (Sorry!) and don't know if this even makes any sense! LOL!

[Edited by KarlaB on 03-20-2001 at 05:27 PM]

[Amy2]

The idea behind saying "I see that the tracks are still out" verses "Clean up the tracks" is that your child is making the decision to do the task on their own. There are many times when I say "Please make your bed" or whatever, but it is very easy to get on the nagging track with kids whose very job it is to challenge us at every turn! Plus, there is so much we ask them to do every day; Time to get up! Make your bed, please. Get dressed for school. Breakfast....etc., etc. So when you can find ways to help your child become self motivated, in the long run they become more capable, and in the short run you aren't nagging them all the time.

As to the complimenting the picture example, I think Karla explained the theory very well. If you say "I love how you used the different colors" rather than "You are so artistic" or "what a good drawing" then the child won't do projects to please you, or judge their own work, but rather enjoy using different colors and exploring art or whatever.

That said, I am so BAD at this, because I am constantly telling my kids that they are so AMAZING and smart, and wonderful, and...but I try when I can!

Amy

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by Amy
That said, I am so BAD at this, because I am constantly telling my kids that they are so AMAZING and smart, and wonderful, and...but I try when I can!

Amy

Me too! Just because I know what I am "supposed" to say doesn't mean I always do it that way! LOL! This actually applies to other areas of my life, too - like just because I know the (healthy) things I "should" eat doesn't mean I do! Sometimes those :snickers: are just so much simpler! ROFL!

[TXmom]

Good points, ladies!

[Mickey]

Was the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish? I read part of that book and I believe they did go into how you should make statements instead of getting into the habit of nagging. Makes sense in theory and I think it's important to teach kids to take the initiative, but I'm not sure how well that would work with my ds. What usually works for ds is saying, "On your mark, get set, go!" and timing him. I'm sure that won't work for long, though! LOL!

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by Mickey
Was the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish? I read part of that book and I believe they did go into how you should make statements instead of getting into the habit of nagging. Makes sense in theory and I think it's important to teach kids to take the initiative, but I'm not sure how well that would work with my ds. What usually works for ds is saying, "On your mark, get set, go!" and timing him. I'm sure that won't work for long, though! LOL!

LOL about timing your ds - that worked for a while here, too!! Some days ds is glad to help pick up toys and of course other days he wants nothing to do with it. Other days he thinks it is great to help unload the dishwasher, fold clothes, vacuum, etc so I take his help when I can get it and hope he's still this helpful willingly in his teens! LOL!

I cannot remember the name of the book or video. I will have dh ask ds's teacher tonight when they go to class.

[TXmom]

What class do you go to with ds?

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by TXmom
What class do you go to with ds?

We have Early Childhood Family Education classes here that we started with dks when they were babies. Youngest ds is now in a 90 minute class where we have parent/child playtime for 1/2 hour and then after circle time the parents separate and have time with a parent educator. Oldest ds is in a preschool class and I just drop him off two times a week for a 2 1/2 hr class. Since I stay home with the boys it is a good opportunity for them to be around other kids and I have met so many great people. I love it! :)

[Leigh]

I have children at the daycare where I work that ignore everyone. You could call their name out all day long and they could care less. You have to physically walk over and have them look at you. Usually this helps. Sometimes their eyes even begin to wonder before I start to talk. This is when I hold their face in my hands. I don't do it hard or hurt them in any way. I just keep them focused on what I am saying until I am finished.
Another thing that works when nothing esle will is pretend to cry. Even with the two year olds they stop what they are doing to stare. Then you can sobbingly (is this a word LOL!) say oh my feelings are hurt so bad because no one is listening to me. I need whatever done. LOL! Usually they will fight each other to get it done.

[Mickey]

Originally posted by KarlaB
[QUOTE]LOL about timing your ds - that worked for a while here, too!! Some days ds is glad to help pick up toys and of course other days he wants nothing to do with it. Other days he thinks it is great to help unload the dishwasher, fold clothes, vacuum, etc so I take his help when I can get it and hope he's still this helpful willingly in his teens! LOL!


Well, so much for timing, Karla! LOL! That's why I had time to chat last night for a few...I kept saying, "On your mark..." and he'd say, "I don't want to be timed...I don't want to put my toys away." :( So, now what? ;)

p.s. My ds LOVES to help me clean (especially if it involves spraying something) and he also loves to vacuum (using the hose and sucking up everything he comes across) and he loves to help me cook, too. I don't see him wanting to do these things when he's a teenager, though! So, I'll take it while I can get it, too! :)

[Edited by Mickey on 03-23-2001 at 12:29 PM]