Needy people

[Amy]

I seem to have a phobia against needy people. My Mom is on the top of my list. In my twenties she was my best friend, but now I shun her as much as I can because she tries to superimpose herself into my life anyway she can. This need to be as if she is living right next door to me is driving me to drink. I'm doing all I can to keep my head above water with the house, kids and pets, but she will call right in the middle of lunch (I tell her I just sat down to eat after a long morning) and she will just ramble on with any small talk she can come up with. I actually have to be brunt in order for her to get the message that I want to eat my lunch. I don't enjoy talking with her because she calls up and yaps about the silliest things and I have a ton of other things I need to be doing. We agreed to talk on Saturday's, but that has gone down the drain since dh has left. She'll call with some question (to get her in) and then start rambling.

I hate to be like this especially since Renee misses her Mom so much, but I feel like we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. When I visit home, she gets nasty because she thinks that since I'm in her house, I have to live by how she wants me to act. That means her being the head matriarch and me and the kids are under her rule. Well, as you guessed, I'm stubborn and outspoken enough to call her out on it and we get into fights. Then I get the pleasure of hearing her talk to my father about me when she thinks I can't hear her and she is nasty! LOL

Part of the reason is that she has totally let herself go-mentally and physically. I have nothing in common with her because the things that we like to do as a family involves moving our feet a lot and she is an absolute couch potato. Everyone has tried to get her to lose weight, but she is not interested and I think being sedentary has affected her neediness. My kids love her because she tries to spoil them rotten, but its Papa they want to play with because he is very fit and active. That is one of the reasons why we love to take my father on vacation with us. He can keep up without whining, is very laid back and the kids love to play with him.

Thanks for letting me ramble, but I can't help the way Im feeling. I actually cringe when the phone rings because I don't want to talk to anyone. Anyone have any insight?

[MaryL]

I can relate, Amy. But in a different way....my mom drinks, and will call at night and kind of "ramble" on. I love her to bits...don't live in the same town with her...yes, we've been down that road about not drinking, etc. It's sad...but I too, cringe when I see her name on the caller id. It's not that I don't want to share my life with her, but I never know what kind of shape she'll be in. It's the same reason that I won't let my kids stay overnight at her apartment. I can't...mostly for their safety. My mom is wonderful most of the time...and adores our dks. Even when we're together, she spends time with us, but then always wants to go back to her apartment to "do laundry", etc. ?( It's frustrating, and hard to remind myself that she's not a child, and I'm not her mother....she has to take care of herself. I can't make her stop drinking....only be encouraging.

[Marla]

Amy (((((hugs))))). I don't have any insight for you, but just wanted to let you know I was here for you whenever you need to talk.

[imamama]

Amy, we must be sisters because my mom and your mom sound like one in the same. All I can say is, I feel your pain!!! Mine's gotten a little better since dd started preschool. When mom kept her while I was at work, it was awful... I couldn't get away from her when I went to pick up dd. She's self-defeating and feels sorry for herself ALL the time. My parents got divorced in '89 and she's still not over it, etc. I don't even want to get into it all!!!!
I can't get off the phone with her, either. She lives 5 mins from us, is great w/ dd and helps out immensly, but it seems to come with a price. Any time I call her with good news, she immediately launches into all the negative things in her life. I'm really getting the guilt trip about Mexico and being away from dd for 9 days... aaaaarrrrrrgggggg!!!! It's better to do it now, while dd is still so young, otherwise, it'll be tougher if I had this opportunity again when she's older. I often wonder if it would be different if I was married... would it be such a big deal if I was going on a trip with a dh?! Who knows. I finally told her she could have all the reservations she wants about my trip, but I'm through listening and refuse to let her ruin this for me. I deserve it. She never could have made it as a single mom. She's not making it as a single woman, I work my @$$ off and have done nothing but make sacrifices since I became preg. Wouldn't have it any other way, but I do also deserve a break... but since she can't afford to take trips, I shouldn't be able to either. I'm going to shut up now! My blood pressure is going up!!!!

I know what you're going through and I'm sorry it's like this for you. I wish we could tell our mom's exactly what's on our minds... but I doubt it would get us anywhere.

Mary - so sorry to hear of the troubles with your mom. So sad. I wish for the sake of her dgk's, she could stop drinking. Wish I had some great advice to give you. It's a shame they can't stay over at Grandma's, but I commend and support your decision. Not a safe idea at all to let them stay over. Hate that it's that way.

[SMB]

Amy I can relate with a lot of what you said. I feel guilty for not wanting to visit my Mom when so many people I know have lost their mothers. My Mom is also a couch potato who ruins almost every visit we make there. Basically she's just an unhappy person who refuses to try to change her bad habits so that she could be happy. It's a very frustrating experience.:\ No advice here just sympathy,
Sheryl:)

[Amy]

Do you know relieved I am to hear that I'm not the only one?? I was feeling really bad about the way I feel towards her, but now I feel vindicated!! LOL

I was talking to my friend and she said it sounds as if my Mom needs to be needed. Mom called me up today wondering if she should buy me throw blankets because they were buy one, get two free. We have this conversation every year-for some reason people love to buy us throws and we have a ton of them and if I REALLY needed a throw, then why wouldn't I just go out and buy one for myself? She is desperate enough to try and buy her way in. She calls it being generous, I call it an expensive exchange of sanity.

I just wish she would get off her butt, get active, have her OWN life, so I can share mine with her-not her plotting her next phone call to try and stay extremely connected to this family.

For those who agree with me-are you taking mental notes for yourself for when you get to be a grandmother? I know I have all along. I plan on having a life after kids. My Mom never planned that far, thats why its so hard for her to see me as the head of my family without her "needed" motherly input. :sick:

[Amy]

Amy-another example of an "Amy coincidence". LOL Gee, were are mothers taking some sort of experimental drugs that made them turn out this way and be propelled to call their daughter's Amy? ROFL!

[imamama]

Originally posted by Amy/CO
Amy-another example of an "Amy coincidence". LOL Gee, were are mothers taking some sort of experimental drugs that made them turn out this way and be propelled to call their daughter's Amy? ROFL!

LMAO! By George, I think you've got! That has to be the answer!!!! Now, if you tell me your middle name starts with an E, I'm going to fall out of my chair!!!!!!!

[Amy]

Originally posted by MaryL
I can relate, Amy. But in a different way....my mom drinks, and will call at night and kind of "ramble" on. I love her to bits...don't live in the same town with her...yes, we've been down that road about not drinking, etc. It's sad...but I too, cringe when I see her name on the caller id. It's not that I don't want to share my life with her, but I never know what kind of shape she'll be in. It's the same reason that I won't let my kids stay overnight at her apartment. I can't...mostly for their safety. My mom is wonderful most of the time...and adores our dks. Even when we're together, she spends time with us, but then always wants to go back to her apartment to "do laundry", etc. ?( It's frustrating, and hard to remind myself that she's not a child, and I'm not her mother....she has to take care of herself. I can't make her stop drinking....only be encouraging.

Mary. I feel for you too. We watched my Uncle loose the battle and it was really sad to watch. But you have to get to the point where you have to let go and let god. The best thing you can do is lead your life the way you are now-it shows that the dysfunction ended with your Mom, so be proud of yourself!

[Amy]

Originally posted by imamama


LMAO! By George, I think you've got! That has to be the answer!!!! Now, if you tell me your middle name starts with an E, I'm going to fall out of my chair!!!!!!!

Nope, Im a Sue. Please don't tell me your an Ellen!

[imamama]

Whew, I'm an Elizabeth!!! It was starting to get a little freaky there for a minute :nervous: !! LOL

We'll just refer to our problems as "The Amy Syndrome"! :sillyface

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Amy/CO
I plan on having a life after kids. My Mom never planned that far, thats why its so hard for her to see me as the head of my family without her "needed" motherly input. :sick:


That's one of the reasons I am always harping on having a life separate from your kids NOW so you will be able to seperate when the time comes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Diane]

Wow... I'm so sorry that you're all having to go through this crap with your mother's. I couldn't even imagine what you all must be going through... 8o Not a one of you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do. They've chosen to live their lives the way they are... and you've chosen to live your's in a much better way... and you shouldn't let them drag you down to their level. IMHO if they're this upsetting to you... you should avoid them as much as possible. Overwhelming yourself with all of the problems they've made for themselves certainly won't do you or your family any good. You may just need to be very blunt and tell them that you just no longer want to deal with it. If they criticize you or try to make you feel guilty for the things you do or have... it's only because they're jealouse of everything you have, and envious of the person that you have become and they aren't.

I'm extremely close to my mom and I couldn't ever imagine it being any other way... Hearing your stories has made me realize just how lucky and fortunate I am that she is who she is. Actually... I guess were both lucky to have each other. :) Hang in there... 8o

Diane... :wave:

[Mickey]

Originally posted by AnnW



That's one of the reasons I am always harping on having a life separate from your kids NOW so you will be able to seperate when the time comes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree!!! Took my mother a long time to finally "get" that I'm all grown up now! LOL!

My mother is very together--fit, healthy, independent...and she HATES the phone! But, she definitely needs to feel needed.

I think it's time to screen your calls or get caller id, Amy. If she annoys you that much, you need to seriously limit things.

[JAK]

My mom and I have some issues, but they are slowly getting resolved. My mom is a very negative person and I think has been for many years. She always sees the bad in things and is always telling me how I am going to feel about something that I tell her that I am going to do. I've just decided that she can not longer be my friend- she has to be my mom. I still share things with her, but not like I used to. I went to back to school because my mom wanted me to, not because I wanted to. She made me feel like I was not good enough just being who and what I am. That I needed to be "something" and have a college degree. Well, that just made my life miserable. I decided to stand up for me and told my mom just how she was making me feel. She has been better and I don't talk to her as much as I used to, but we still talk at least once a week.


Mary- I understaad the drinking parent thing. My dad was an alcoholic, but luckily for me we haven't lived in the same state in about 14 years. I few years back I started going to ALANON meetings online. (My dh was deployed at the time and I didn't have anyone to watch my dks so I could go to meetings.) It really helped me deal with the issues that I had with my dad's drinking. My dks only saw my dad 3 different times for just a few days each time. I did not trust him enough to leave him alone with my dks at all. They were young and I knew that if he was drunk and did something stupid, that my dks would be the ones who would get hurt.
My dad's been gone a month now and I can honestly say that I am at peace with the way that our relationship was in the end. It finally can down to the fact that I had to tell him that he could only call me when he was sober and that I would be there for him to talk to at any time- he just had to be sober. If I called him, I never knew if he'd be drunk or sober when he answered the phone. He always made me feel bad when he was drunk on the phone. I did write him letters a few times a year, but never heard from him. I did talk to him on the phone Easter Sunday 2001- that was the last time I ever talked to him. I had actually called him because we had just moved into our house here in AK and I wanted to give him my new phone number. We had a good talk (he was sober), but little did I know that would be the last time that I would ever talk to him. It makes me sad now to think about it. He was a good man, he just had a big problem. I know that he is in a better place now and I have thought about him each and everyday since he died. I wish he could be here, healthy and happy, but he can't. I know that he's now longer in pain and suffering from whatever was so wrong in his life that he covered up with alcohol for so many years.

Sorry for rambling- I guess I just needed to get that out.

[KarlaB]

Sorry, I can't relate. I got back from my mom's yesterday and was thinking what a good visit it was and how good it felt to be back "home". We went for a 4 mile walk alone while my brother watched dks. All in all we just had fun together and it was so fun to just hang out with her. She does like to feel needed, too, but I like the "extra" things she likes to do for us. :)

I do however tend to avoid calls from my step mom if I get the heads up from my sis and know she has been drinking. She rambles, slurs and repeats.... :rolleyes: My dad has been sober for 8 years, so I don't know how he can stand it when she's like that.

[MaryL]

You know, I feel SO MUCH better talking about this with you guys! This just isn't something I'm very comfortable talking about with people I work with...neighbors...etc. You guys are great listeners!:) My mom and I love each other dearly. I talk to her a couple of times a week, at least! It's just uncomfortable at times. She raised us as a single parent, heck, we probably drove her to drink! LOL Seriously, I respect many of the things she has done for me...and my siblings...I just don't agree with her drinking, and won't let my kids stay at her apartment. She's welcome to watch them here at our home (we've done that and gone on an over-nighter with no problem!), and my kids think she's great. Thanks again, for letting me put my thoughts into words...it really does feel good!

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by MaryL
You know, I feel SO MUCH better talking about this with you guys! This just isn't something I'm very comfortable talking about with people I work with...neighbors...etc. You guys are great listeners!:) My mom and I love each other dearly. I talk to her a couple of times a week, at least! It's just uncomfortable at times. She raised us as a single parent, heck, we probably drove her to drink! LOL Seriously, I respect many of the things she has done for me...and my siblings...I just don't agree with her drinking, and won't let my kids stay at her apartment. She's welcome to watch them here at our home (we've done that and gone on an over-nighter with no problem!), and my kids think she's great. Thanks again, for letting me put my thoughts into words...it really does feel good!

I have gotten some of the best advice from people here and I always feel better after laying it all on you guys! ;) I can relate to your concerns, Mary. I understand you feeling uncomfortable leaving your dks with your mom at her house. We are the same way with my step mom. I trust my dad, but he is often on-call and how could I know they'd be safe with her if she was drinking and he got a call? It's sad because I know they are missing out and I don't want my dad to feel bad, but I do think deep down he knows about our concerns. The safety of our dks has to come first and it also leaves less to explain to dks if they were to start catching on to Gramma acting 'different'. Glad you could trust us to share this with us - sometimes it's amazing how much we all have in common and how much we can help each other thru situations that are troublesome for us to bear alone and don't necessarily feel comfortable sharing with our rl friends.

[RCT]

"I hate to be like this especially since Renee misses her Mom so much"....Don't even give me a second thought....my mother had Ann's attitude in life....she had a life, before, during and after us kids.......:lol:

Sorry your going through....don't have any advice...except do you have caller id? maybe just let the machine answer and you call people back if you feel like it....Maybe tell her you all need to go back to the Saturday calls....its easier for you and the kids that way? oh I am sorry...I said I don't have any advice and I don't....


((((((((((((AMY))))))))))))))))