Kinda scared

[imamama]

Well, bf (that I went to Mexico with) and I are planning a trip to Panama City Beach at the end of September. I'm really excited to see her again and have our dd's meet and play and have a fun time at the beach.. only problem... that's where I lived when I got preggers with dd. And I have no idea if her father still lives there or not. I would be absolutely mortified if I ran into him. He's had nothing to do with dd, wouldn't called after I moved back home during the middle of my pregnancy, etc. Pretty much, and all-around deadbeat. When dd was almost a year old, he tracked down one of my friends and was asking questions. Gave my friend his address. Fortunately, we had just had a long in-depth conversation about the situation and I told her that I'd never help dd find him. Wouldn't prevent it (until she's 18 ), but wouldn't help, either. Told my friend that if ever confronted, I'd tell him I really wasn't sure he was even the father. I know he is, and it makes me sound like a floozy, but to protect dd, I'd do it. Well, my friend did everything right. She told him I'd relocated with my job, that she and I weren't really in contact anymore because of that, but that I did tell her I was pretty sure he wasn't the father. Whew! Big load off my mind. He never tried anything after that. I doubt I'd run into him, don't even know for sure if he still lives there, but it's been on my mind. There are lots of reasons we chose to go to PCB (I'm sure you're all saying "why don't you go somewhere else, Moronica?). I have friends I want to see, a few have had kids I want to meet, want them to meet dd, I know my way around, know what good things to do, and it's inexpensive. We're going low budget this time around! It's mainly just to get away for a bit.

So, now that I've bared my soul, what good advice do you guys have for me?! :D I need some major reassurance that it's going to be fine!!!
TIA

[AnnW]

What's the absolute worst case scenario if you did run into him?
Think about that, and decide if that is worth the positives of going there for vacation.

[imamama]

Good suggestion!!! See, I knew ya'll would have some good advice! I think I still have some thinking to do!!
Thanks!!!

[JAK]

Ann always comes up with something good doesn't she?

Also really what are the odds that you really would run into him?

[KathyT]

Amy if the thought of running into him again gives you that sick-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach feeling, then personally I just wouldn't risk it. I wouldn't want to spend my vacation looking over my shoulder. Do you have any other alternatives?

[imamama]

Yes, she does!! Fortunately, the fear isn't all-comsuming. I doubt I would see him, but it's just something to think (worry) about! I've got plenty of time to decide if I'd be miserable and worried the whole time. I don't think I will . There are too many other positives.

Thanks for listening!

[Cathy]

Amy,
Can you find out now if he's even still there? If he's not, then you're worrying for nothing (which is a totally normal thing for moms to do in any situation--MOOT excepted of course!). If he is still there, then decide what you want to do. If you will be visiting friends, and doing things with your friend and dds, what are the chances of actually seeing him? And is it worth it to risk that? Good luck......but gather some information before you stress yourself out. There's always time for that later.

[Marla]

Amy, do any of your friends who still live there know him? Maybe they can find out where he lives. I guess you have to decide if you are going to all freaked out worrying if you are going to see him, or if you will be able to relax when you are there.

[RCT]

I too would contact your friends and see if they know if he still lives there...maybe he has moved away....


:)

[Amy]

try this site

http://www.switchboard.com

Type in his name and the city and see if he is still around. This is a pretty good site for that.

[KarlaB]

I agree with everyone else. Maybe try to do a little investigating before you set your plans in stone. Do you have any mutual friends there that you plan on seeing that would tell him you're in town?

[Amy]

Amy, I have been doing some thinking on this for awhile since my sister has recently gone through this. I'm not telling you what to do, but can only show you a certain side of a similar story.

My sister is 46 years old and loathes my Mother. My Dad is not her real dad and she found this out at age 15 by herself. Mom never talked about this man and my sister never asked until a year ago and my Mom was very hesitant and reluctant to give her any info. because she wanted to forget that part of her life and didn't want to open up a can of worms. Because of this reluctance and "forgetfulness", my sister blames my Mom for giving her a fake life that voids any truth about who she is. My sister was like a lost puppy, trying to make sense of her life and we found out that the father had tried to look for them a couple of years after my sister was born. He was intercepted by my grandparents and threatened him to stay away from the new life they have for themself. He was a deadbeat too and was married and had 5 kids at the time. My Mom was only 21 and very naive. This estranged relationship never would have happened if my Mom was honest with my sister from the beginning and let her know her father from the beginning so she could make her own decisions about him. Truth is a powerful thing and when the time comes, I hope you will help your dd find this man so she can either confirm or deny he is a dipstick. If you become reluctant, like my Mom, I would hate for you to endure the pain that comes with that.

[imamama]

Amy, I appreciate your sharing that story with me. It's honestly good to hear how a situation similar to mine has unfolded. I hate for your sister how she's feeling, though. It's a very scary thing to me. I've thought about it since I moved home at 5 months preg. I've agonized how I would handle it when she asked. I plan on being honest and upfront with her (as she matures), but I'm not going to help her find him. Here's where my situation is a little different. He gave up looking for her. He never really made an effort. Didn't care enough, didn't want to give up his lifestyle. I gave him every opportunity. I had to give him my # in TN FIVE times. He never called. Never. He said he kept losing it. As dd gets older, I'll tell her more. I plan to stress that just because he's worthless and she's a part of him, doesn't mean that a part of her is worthless. Or the fact that he never tried to find her reflects in any way on her. That part's all about him. About his selfishness. I'll tell her anything she wants to know about him, but I won't help her find him. Because I know better. I know people can change, but when it comes to a child, you have to change as soon as the decision is made to have that child. I did. He could have, too. I gave him every opportunity. He was visibly relieved when I told him I wasn't going after child support. He gave a sigh of relief that was plain to hear over the phone. He said "You promise?". That's what kind of person he is. I don't say man, because he's not a man. To him, the only good thing the pregnancy did for him was to give him bragging rights about being able to "knock someone up". :rolleyes:

So, after saying all that, I say that he's not worthy of meeting dd.

I plan to do some searching. Fortunately, Karla, the mutual friends we did have were only acquaintances to him. They didn't care much for him! So, I know I'm safe in knowing no one I know would tell him I'm coming.

Thanks for all of the support and the suggestions. I really do appreciate it! :D

[AnnW]

Can I jump in here, I have a little experience in dealing with absent birth parents...
DON'T, do not ever, use phrases like "even though he is worthless, and you are a part of him, you aren't" I can PROMISE you that she will hear "he is worthless, you are a part of him, you are worthless".
As hard as it will be, and you don't have to sugar coat it, tell her things like "he wasn't ready to be a parent to any child" she might ask "why" say "gosh, I really don't know, he never even got to know you, what a loss for him".
"Why wouldn't he want to know me?" Honey, he just didn't know how to be a daddy.
Will you help me find him? When you are older you can look.

Keep in mind that you want to come out of this looking good...you never want ANYTHING you said used against you by him or her down the line...."mom said you were a loser, and that's why I never looked, but you aren't and I am so mad at mom"

Trust me, I deal with this every day. My kids have to deal with the understanding that two parents chose not to raise them. I really suggest that you read books dealing with adoption (and yes, I know it's not exactly the same thing but there are GREAT simililarities, especially in dealing with people who have made some not great choices). If you need any titles, let me know.

[imamama]

Thanks, Ann. Great advice. Yes, I would like titles. I have a wonderful book that I read cover to cover when I was preggers, but haven't re-read it and need to. It deals with just about every situation that can come up for a single mom. It's called The Complete Single Mother.
I'm glad both you and Amy have given such valuable input. It's hard to know the right thing to say. It's hard to guess what's right and wrong when you've never been through it before. What you quoted from my last posting about using the "worthless" and "ou're a part of him"are dead on. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if parenthood came with an instruction manual?! But since it doesn't, that's why we depend on people who've been there, done that. I just don't want anyone to think I'm some dipstick who doesn't know her @$$ from a hole in the ground, I'm not. I take being dd's mother very seriously and only want to do right by her. Even if it takes her till she's my age now to figure it out. I'm prepared to be hated. I'm prepared for her to fantasize about how great her father is, and how he's successful and handsome, etc. As long as I know I've done everything possible to make sensible choices, then I can sleep at night. At least I'm taking the high road and plan to be honest with her, I very well could say that I went to a sperm bank. Believe, it's crossed my mind. But I'm not going to lie to her.

[kat]

Originally posted by AnnW
Keep in mind that you want to come out of this looking good...you never want ANYTHING you said used against you by him or her down the line...."mom said you were a loser, and that's why I never looked, but you aren't and I am so mad at mom.

Amy, I've got some experience here too. Dh adopted oldest ds a year after we were married. Ds was 5 at the time and had never known his father. (He left me when he found out I was pregnant). He gave up parental rights when I agreed to not press for back child support. In a nut shell, he was a real jerk. Long story short. I always knew where he was, but when ds was about 16 he "found" him and when he did he wasn't pleased with all our rules and decided he wanted to go live with ex. Ds would never have believed anything negative that I had to say. I didn't and still haven't. After ds was gone about 2 weeks he called me to come get him - ex had beat the crap out of him. It killed me, but the truth had to be experienced. I hated that the bastard stooped lower than even I imagined, but ds has never brought the man's name up again.

I completely understand you not helping dd find him in the future, just remember not to say anything negative about him.

As far as your trip goes, what are the odds you'd actually run into him.

[AnnW]

You don't have to be honest with her! I am not saying make him sound like Santa Claus, but you don't have to tell her all the bad things. Remember she is a child, she doesn't understand!!! My dd's birth parents are stellar, I would never begin to tell her the "truth"..why would I? It would only be some feeble attempt to try to make me look better, and I don't need to hurt my daughter to do that. Would you tell your dd the whole down and dirty truth now about sex? Oral sex? NO...she's not ready for all the details..for now it's just the basics and then you add on. It's the same with this. You just tell her that he didn't know how to be a daddy (which IS the truth).

Making Sense of Adoption: A Parent's Guide
by Lois Ruskai Melina

Raising Adopted Children: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent
by Lois Ruskai Melina

[imamama]

Kat, thank you for sharing. I appreicate you giving the advice. And, so sorry that happened to your ds. (And you! :) )

Ann, as I said, I'll tell her more as she matures. No way would I try to explain all of this to a 4 yo. Oh my. You must have missed everything I said. I know the posts have been long, but sheesh! Give me a little credit. I can pretty much guess how much I should or shouldn't tell her based on her age and maturity level. For instance, I'm figuring it won't be too much longer till she starts asking. I'm prepared to tell her that families come in all different forms, numbers and types. Our family consists of she and I. End of story. I think that's a good 4 yo explanation. I would never, ever even think of getting down and dirty right now or even in the next several years. I do have somewhat of a brain!

[AnnW]

OK..sorry I got it all messed up! I hope I didn't offend you, this is something I am somewhat passionate about! LOL
But please don't use your worthless line!!!! :)

[imamama]

Not offended, just felt like my words were getting twisted. I understand your passion. And honestly, I wouldn't have specifically said "worthless". That's how I refer to him to adults, so they get the picture. My point was to make her understand that there's nothing wrong with HER, it's him! :)

[AnnW]

Amy, I am really sorry if I offended you. I think I know where I got confused and misled. You were putting your ideas into words, but hadn't planned on using those exact words to dd, just to us, since we didn't need sugar coating. Sorry, I goofed!!!!


Like I said, I deal with this everyday...the questions really seem to start around 5....build to a crescendo around 8, and then come back again at puberty ..at least in my experience. I deal with "why didn't they want me?" "what was wrong with me?" and in the case of my dd cause she was with her birthmother for 5 months "was I a bad baby?" so I know how tough it is walking the line between giving them truthful and hurtful info.

Again, I am truly sorry if I offended you.

[Diane]

My youngest sister is really my cousin. (my dad's brother's child) She was born a twin but her birth mother abused and eventually killed the other child 8o and had injured her so bad... she too almost died. Her birth mom was conviced and sent to prison for 7 years. At my uncles request... my mom and dad got custody of her when she was just 2 months old. She was never officially adopted but because she carried the same last name... never knew the difference. Mom and dad always said that they'd tell about it "when the time was right"... which evidently never happened because THEY never told her. She didn't find out until she was l6... She had gotten nosey and started reading a journal my neice was writing... and read about herself in it. She totally flipped when she found out that her mom and dad weren't really HER mom and dad... 8o As if that wasn't bad enough... she still didn't know all of the awful details about WHY she wasn't with her birth parents... I mean, something like what happened to her isn't something you can easily hide... and it hasn't been an easy thing for her to have to live with.

No matter how old or young your dd is... it's not going to be an easy thing for her. She'll no doubt be left with a lot of mixed emotions. Hopefully you won't bump into him and it won't become an issue right now... I know you'll do and say the right things when the time comes. Good luck... :)

Diane... :wave:

[Leigh]

Originally posted by AnnW
If you need any titles, let me know.


I would like some titles, please! TIA :D

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Leigh



I would like some titles, please! TIA :D

are ya'll thinking about adopting?

Making Sense of Adoption: A Parent's Guide
by Lois Ruskai Melina

Raising Adopted Children: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent
by Lois Ruskai Melina

[Leigh]

Originally posted by AnnW


are ya'll thinking about adopting?

Making Sense of Adoption: A Parent's Guide
by Lois Ruskai Melina

Raising Adopted Children: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent
by Lois Ruskai Melina

Not right now, but I was adopted, and as an adult I am still trying to make since of it all. We might adopt later in life. I am not sure though. Thanks for the titles. I really appreciate it. I am really passionate about adoption too, and if you ever need an adoptive persons perspective feel free to ask. I would be glad to help you out. I am not saying that you can't handle it though, so please don't misunderstand what I am saying.

[AnnW]

I didn't realize you were adopted. At birth? Did you know much about your birth parents?
I feel really blessed (some days more than others! LOL) that my kids' birth parents made the selfless decision to give these kids life and then place them for adoption. We have been pretty lucky to have all the info we have.
How did you feel about being adopted? DD is struggling with that right now. It must be the age, cause I remember DS going through this at the same age. She feels "different" but yet at the same time kind of special too.

[Leigh]

Originally posted by AnnW
I didn't realize you were adopted. At birth? Did you know much about your birth parents?
I feel really blessed (some days more than others! LOL) that my kids' birth parents made the selfless decision to give these kids life and then place them for adoption. We have been pretty lucky to have all the info we have.
How did you feel about being adopted? DD is struggling with that right now. It must be the age, cause I remember DS going through this at the same age. She feels "different" but yet at the same time kind of special too.

I was adopted when I was two weeks old, and I really don't know much about my birth parents. I have kind of started searching for them, but not very seriously. I also went through a stage where I had lots of questions. I remember the day my mom and dad told me. Punky Brewster was in, and I go t being adopted confused with being a foster child, and I was so scared that someone was going to come and take me away from them to another house. I was always told that I was a special child because I was chosen, and every other parent had to take what they got.:lol: I guess some days it still feels weird. I would like some more info on medical history of my birthparents, especially before I start having children, but I am not sure that it will happen, and you shouldn't have to worry about that with your children for a while. I go through each day thinking that I am lucky to be alive though. With the way abortions so popular today, I wonder if it was in todays time, I would even be here. Anyway, I think that I have rambled enough. If you have anymore questions though, let me know. Do you still have my hotmail addy. If not let me know, and I will e-mail it to you.

[AnnW]

I am grateful that adoption is "out of the closet". We have never made a big deal of it here, it's just another way of being a family, but we do respect the choices that their birth parents made.
I don't have it anymore..feel free to email me though!