Help!!

[Fern]

Does any one have any suggestions for me, for dealing with a 16yr old dd, I'm at my wits end. Ever since she got her driver's license she feels she can come and go as she pleases, well it doesn't work that way in this house. She was grounded last week(and this wasn't the first time) for breaking curfew, mixed with attitude! She was allowed out on Saturday night till 10 because she had to work the next day, well last night we got home at 12 she arrived a few minutes later. When asked why, she said we didn't give her a curfew, well it doesn't change just because we went out!!!!!! So this morning when she was woken up for work she was in an exxxxxtreeeeeemmmmmmeeeeee foul mood, because she is once again grounded. Why can't she figure things out, why does she feel she can do as she pleases without repercussions, it's not like rules are new around here!!!
Ds who has graduation but will be living at home for another year, has his rules slightly lifted because he has always shown responsibility, why can't she figure this out. Last night ds phoned us to see if he could watch a pay-per-view movie which he would be paying for, but he just wanted to check, dd could have just as easily phoned if she had questions about curfew, but her response was we should have called her!!!
Sorry for venting, but I just don't know what to do anymore

[AnnW]

Bless your heart!!!
Why is she still getting to drive if she is breaking the rules? Does she have a cell phone so the "I couldn't find a phone" excuse doesn't work? Some friends of ours do this..if the curfew is 10 and the kid comes in at 11, then next time, the curfew is 9, and so on for every minute they are late it comes off the next time.
Maybe make a contract with her where ALL the rules are put into writing, everyone sign it, and then there is no discussion that she didn't know. Was she always kind of bending the edges of the rules before or is this brand new behaviour? DS, I think, will be alot like your ds cause that's just his personality. DD, will constantly, no matter what her age, be looking for loopholes...that's hers.

[Cathy]

TAKE HER KEYS!!! If she can't respect your rules (when she loves you and knows you!) what would give you reason to believe that she'll follow the traffic laws? drinking laws? You love her too much to let her take those risks.

At least that's how I'd phrase it to her! (and that's exactly how I talk to my 17yo dd!! She gets the message pretty clearly. Self-interest can work for you.)

[Fern]

yes, she has a cell phone - so she doesn't have the excuse of couldn't call.
We took her keys away last week, gave them back yesterday morning for her to go to work (it was pouring pretty hard and we weren't going to be here to pick her up after work)
Have already tried the taking off an hour for every 10 minutes late - she just doesn't care.
Taking her keys away and letting her go out on foot power just gives her new excuses to be late

And yes she has always been the child who tries us the most of the 3.

[JAK]

Originally posted by Fern
yes, she has a cell phone - so she doesn't have the excuse of couldn't call.
We took her keys away last week, gave them back yesterday morning for her to go to work (it was pouring pretty hard and we weren't going to be here to pick her up after work)
Have already tried the taking off an hour for every 10 minutes late - she just doesn't care.
Taking her keys away and letting her go out on foot power just gives her new excuses to be late

And yes she has always been the child who tries us the most of the 3.

She's a teenager that's why she's acting this way!

My question to you is- what does it mean for her to be "grounded"? Sounds to me like it doesn't mean much. My mom took everything away- phone, car and I couldn't go anywhere. (I could get out of it by lying and saying I was going to go babysit and I'd go out... knowing I did that, if I grounded my own dks they would not be leaving the house to go any where except for school or a real job where I got to see the schedule)

[Fern]

Originally posted by JAK


She's a teenager that's why she's acting this way!

My question to you is- what does it mean for her to be "grounded"? Sounds to me like it doesn't mean much. My mom took everything away- phone, car and I couldn't go anywhere. (I could get out of it by lying and saying I was going to go babysit and I'd go out... knowing I did that, if I grounded my own dks they would not be leaving the house to go any where except for school or a real job where I got to see the schedule)

Yes, grounded means she doesn't leave the house, only to go to work, and she doesn't talk on the phone or use the computer.

And i'm sorry but being a teenager is not an excuse!

[AnnW]

Since she has always been the one to play at the edges of the rules, you are probably going to have to hit her where it really hurts. What means the most to her? Take that away. Have you thought about taking her job away from her? It's a priviledge to work outside the home when there are plenty of things she can do around the house.

[kat]

Originally posted by AnnW
Since she has always been the one to play at the edges of the rules, you are probably going to have to hit her where it really hurts. What means the most to her? Take that away. Have you thought about taking her job away from her? It's a priviledge to work outside the home when there are plenty of things she can do around the house.

That was going to be my suggestion. If she can't get to work and loses her job would she me more apt to follow rules more closely.

[Diane]

If she were my dd she wouldn't be having much of a life. She wouldn't be allowed to do anything with anybody, and if she continued to cop an attitude, she wouldn't be working either. She needs to know/understand that you mean business... and that you are no way going to give in, that YOU'RE the boss and you have total control of the car... and her. Make life miserable for her... and she will soon understand that until she starts following the rules 100%... she's going to live a pretty boring life. :) Good luck!!!

Diane... :wave:

[Leigh]

I somehow missed this post too. I am so sorry that you are going through this Fern. Hope tings get better soon. {{{FERN}}} Hang in there and come here to vent when you need to.