Suicide sucks

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Two weeks ago tomorrow is when they found the guy that I dated dead. Last Monday was his funeral. I keep thinking with each passing day everything will get better but it's not. I can't help but think that I had something to do with him doing that to himself. It was like I never had any time for him. He'd say, "will you call me tonight?" and I'd say yes and never do it. I work all the time and when I'm not working, I'm at softball practice, beta talent practice, musical practice, drama practice, or band practice. I just didnt' have much time and didn't get in until 10-11 at night. We had a class together at the beginning of the school year but at semester, I changed classes and that left us with no classes together. I felt bad about that but thought it would be okay. I knew that he had a tough home life, he didn't get along with his real mother and he had lived with his best friend for a long time, until a couple of weeks before his death, he moved in with his grandmother. He would have no way of knowing this but on valentines day, they day they said that he died...I didn't call him and instead went out with my best friend and her boyfriend. I called him the next day but nobody answered. Monday, my friend Amy called me and said that they had found somebody dead and they thought that it was Jeremy. I had to go to work and I was crying and stuff...I didn't believe it was true. When I got home from work, I called Amy back and she said that it was him.......I just broke down. I didn't eat anything for a week and I'm still not eating right. I've quit the musical and beta talent...I just don't want to do anything anymore.

[Diane]

I'm so sorry for your loss... It's hard enough to handle a death when they die of natural causes, but when they commit suicide I think it makes handling it so much harder. Years ago my youngest sister (foster) tried committing suicide, and I think that every one of us somehow felt responsible... thinking that IF we had done this or IF we had done that... maybe if we had been there more for her. 8o What it came right down to was the fact that SHE was having issues of her own that had nothing to do with us. You can't blame yourself for what your friend was going through... obviously you had no clue and neither did anyone else. If you had... I'm sure you (and everyone else) would have made yourselves more available to him, because that's the kind of person you are. You can't blame yourself... or anyone else. This was his choice... something he felt he needed/had to do, and he did. As sad as it is... you need to move on and continue to live your life to the fullest. Don't let what happened to him stop you from living... and having a successful life.

Diane P.

[MaryL]

{{{Apple}}}...big hugs to you! Do you have a counselor at school that you can talk with? I think you really need to get some help with this...let us know what you do!

[Lynda-WA]

You have no way of knowing what all was going on in his mind. And even if you did, only he could deal with what was bothering him. That's even assuming that even he knew. In the situations I know of, nobody guessed the person was going to try and commit suicide. Even if they knew the person was having a rough patch. At least one of the attempted suicides I know of was precipitated by a medical condition (brain tumor). You don't know if he may have had a medical condition that may have played a role.

My great-uncle tried to commit suicide. In his case there was a medical condition, mental illness, and family history (his father's side) that all played a role. While we knew that he was having mental problems we had no way of knowing just how bad things were or about the tumor until he was admitted to the hospital. Even knowing that, my great aunt still blamed herself. We knew his father had had medical problems (possibly schizo but that was before mental illnesses were often diagnosed). We knew he wasn't acting 100% like he normally did. But were do you draw the line? A bad year? A bad month? A bad day? How do you differentiate between problems that will be resolved normally and those requiring professional help? For us the line was the attempted suicide (running car in garage). All of the changes had been so gradual we didn't recognize them as changes. It took the attempted suicide to bring in someone impartial. And from there we learned of the tumor.

My aunt also tried. Her father (she's an in-law) had also commited suicide. We knew their marriage wasn't happy every minute. She was upset because he had gotten a new job (with her encouragment). Once he was on the new job it wasn't what she expected. He was very happy with it. They had more money but less time together. He had more time off just less at the same time she did. She started stopping off at a bar on the way home with friends. From what I've been told (I'm not close with them). This was just the final straw. She had been dissatisfied for some time but never said anything. Again, SHE was the one that needed to work through issues in her life. She needed to say how unhappy she was.

My uncle (Mom's brother) died in a single truck accident. Officially it was ruled a suicide but very few people believe it was. His truck had hit a washout in the road and spun off into some rocks. The neighbors had repeatedly tried getting the city to fix the rut but they didn't until hours after my Uncles accident. My aunt wasn't allowed to get the investigation papers unless she was going to contest the ruling. Because of money, she elected not to. It would cost alot to fight the city when they are trying to prevent a lawsuit. The reason I'm bringing this up is because my aunt's BIL is also a coroner. He went through the things they look for (ie giving personal belongings away). He told her that while you can see signs in retrospect nearly always, the people close to the person can't see them at the time. In other words - you may be able to see problems no, but how could you have known before hand? And he said that sometimes there are no signs at all even in retrospect. In my Uncle's case the coroner told my Mom the signs he saw were 1)his expressing to a friend a year earlier that he suspected his wife may have cheated on him 2)The gas can he had just filled up to mow his lawn was on the front seat without a cover. I told mom that since the cover was found underneath the gas can, he probably couldn't find it. And the reason the rag was in the opening was to act as a lid. 3)he had gone to a friends house in another town to work on the lawn mower. On his way back to his own home he gassed up at a station he normally didn't use and went back by the back route. Because the accident happened in the neighboring town, the coroner said he had planned to have the accident were there was no chance of her finding him or his BIL doing the autopsy.

There are only three people that belive he commited suicide (or at least say he did). The two ex-friends that say my uncle said he thought my and was cheating. He and this coupld had a falling out about a year before he died. The last is my Grandma. I suspect that she is looking for a reason for her son dying. She would prefer to think he commited suicide and blame my aunt for driving him to ot then accept it was an accident.

You seem to feel guilty. Why? I doubt if there's a single person on this board that has ALWAYS spent as much time with their loved ones as they'd like. What could you have done? Quit living your life in order to devote it to him? Do you really think that seeing you during one class for a semester made a difference? Do you think that couple of hours a week you were in softball practice made a difference? A couple of missed calls? If not seeing you and talking to you as much as he'd like for a couple of months was enough to drive him to commit suicide, then he needed to seek help. Were you considering ending the relationship? Don't people do that all the time without tragic results? And even if you had broken up with him, what could you have done otherwise?

This may sound harsh but let's assume he felt he needed to be with you all the time. That's the kind of relationship I would have advised you to get out of for your own sanity. If that was the case, then he had a problem you couldn't have solved. So you shouldn't feel guilty. And if it wasn't over your not spending time with him, then you still have nothing to feel guilty for.

I'd really advise you to find a counselor or religious figure to speak with. You know at an intelectual level that this isn't your fault. Now you need to realize it at an emotional level. Really hard when you are also dealing with the loss of someone you cared about. Go see a counselor that will let you talk through all of your jumbled emotions. In the mean time know that we are all thinking about you.

[MK]

Originally posted by Lynda-WA
I'd really advise you to find a counselor or religious figure to speak with. You know at an intelectual level that this isn't your fault. Now you need to realize it at an emotional level. Really hard when you are also dealing with the loss of someone you cared about. Go see a counselor that will let you talk through all of your jumbled emotions. In the mean time know that we are all thinking about you.

Ditto. And beating yourself up with "if only I had..." isn't going to bring him back. Hopefully he's in a happier place now, and at peace. You have to find comfort in the knowledge that he isn't suffering anymore. Live and learn, then start "filling your own cup" and nurture yourself so you can get back to helping others again. Sometimes when we overburden ourselves it's easy to forget that we can't help others effectively if we aren't taking care of our own needs first. I definitely think it was wise to drop a couple of things-- it really sounds like you were overloaded. You have to make time for yourself. It's so important. I hope you feel better soon. :\

[Leigh]

I too don't think that you should blame yourself, and I think that perhaps a counselor would help you feel better and give you someone to talk to.

[apple_core_04]

Thanks guys...I'm starting to feel better. I'm getting an appointment with a counselor that I've seen before. When my mother left my dad, brother and I, (when I was 10) about 6 years ago, my grandmother made me go to see the counselor. I saw her on and off for 4 years...even though I was embarassed about seeing a counselor and didn't want any of my friends to know...I looked forward to seeing her every month and it made me feel so much better. I've been considering seeing her long before this happened....I just haven't been myself for a few months.