I am so frusserated!!!!

[AnnW]

DS has a tendancy to over react at times. You can't do "if and then" statements with him at all cause he takes it to the next level. For example, you can't say "if you don't feed the dog, then you can't go out and play" he somehow turns that into you don't want me to play. So we are very very careful about now doing if/then statements. I have been told that is a result of higher level thinking but I just think it's being a brat! LOL
Anyway, last night at 8:15 (he goes to his room at 8:30 and reads till 9 and then lights out...we are flexible about going to the room but lights are definitely out at 9) I asked him to go walk the dog. (We had been at a meeting for his Washington DC trip till 8 and had just gotten home) He says "I won't have time to have dessert and read". I say "go walk the dog you will have time" Tells me point blank no, so I send him to his room with no dessert and no reading time. He just loses it!!!! Finally at 10:30, he goes to sleep.
He absolutely will not apologize for his behaviour..he thinks he is totally right because I wouldn't let him read! I have grounded him from baseball today and his campout this weekend.
I am just a my wits end cause when we do have disagreements, which in honesty is not often, they always turn into something like this!

[angie r]

Boy, this sounds just like the issues another friend of mine has with her ds. He has a genius level IQ. (whatever that is, by the way) It is probably a higher level of thinking and being a teenager combined in one loving little package!!!

Have you tried....when you finish cleaning your room, you can go to the mall? Instead of if/then. That way it doesn't sound like he is not going to be able to do something.

[Amy]

Its like arguing with a mini adult isn't it? Stick to your guns, eventually he will realize he can't manipulate the situation anymore and give in. The more he thinks he can get to you, the harder he is going to try. Everytime he tries you, keep adding on a consequence and stick to it . Than he will know his mouth is going to keep gettinghim in trouble.

[AnnW]

Angie.....
Yes, we are very careful about not using if/then...we finally (we aren't as smart as he is! LOL) learned.
That's why this was so frustrating. All I said was "please go walk the dog". NOTHING was even said by me about reading or dessert..HE was the one who brought that up...I knew he had plenty of time.
grrrrrrrr

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Amy/CO
Its like arguing with a mini adult isn't it? Stick to your guns, eventually he will realize he can't manipulate the situation anymore and give in. The more he thinks he can get to you, the harder he is going to try. Everytime he tries you, keep adding on a consequence and stick to it . Than he will know his mouth is going to keep gettinghim in trouble.


yes, it is. But I honestly think he doesn't get it. In his mind there wasn't enough time and he wanted to read, therefore, he was right. He doesn't see it as he defied me at all.

[RCT]

((((HUGS)))) to you AnnW....

[TXmom]

Since I would have handled this the same way you did, but have the benefit of just calmly reading about it instead of living it, I'll give you my expert advice LOL. It sounds like he was overloaded and really couldn't see that he'd have time to do all the things in that short amount of time (especially since you said you're firm on the 9pm bedtime). What would have worked with my son (not that I'm often rational enough to do this with him) would have been to say "OK, how much time do you think it'll take you to walk the dog? And how much time to eat dessert? OK, so that leaves -- minutes to read. Now hustle and do it before you waste all your time arguing.

I'd rethink the grounding. Sounds like he really couldn't handle all that needed to be done.

[BevJ]

AnnW, I go through this with my ds too...he's 10. I can't think of an example right now, but it happens, LOL. He's always thinking ahead too and mentioning that if he does or doesn't do what I ask then he'll miss out on something else and like you, I haven't even mentioned that! And also like your ds, he misses out on it anyway due to his attitude.

[kacee]

Welcome to my world. My dd is only 7 and does this. Well, not about walking the dog. But the mind games!!
Her big thing is you don't love me! You want me to die. (Food issues! She's my junk food junkie)

I was really shocked this am. We usually have a battle getting up. (Hair thing, not the right clothes!) But this am she got up and dressed 30 mins early. Of course, we are discussing the allowance issue.

If you have any suggestions or solutions, let me know.

I am so glad I am not the only one out there. She has been doing this for several months. I kept hoping it was a stage thing.

[Diane]

[i]What would have worked with my son (not that I'm often rational enough to do this with him) would have been to say "OK, how much time do you think it'll take you to walk the dog? And how much time to eat dessert? OK, so that leaves -- minutes to read. Now hustle and do it before you waste all your time arguing.

I'd rethink the grounding. Sounds like he really couldn't handle all that needed to be done. [/B]

I liked your thoughts on what to say and how to handle this Donna... except for the grounding part. Once I gound... THEIR GROUND!!! No taking back... it confuses them and leads them to believe that since you've taken a grouding back once you just might take it back again and again and again... and he'll continually test and try you. (JMHO) He may have been overwhelmed with all he had to do but (JMHO)that didn't give him the right to talk to his mother the way he did. :)

Diane... :wave:

[AnnW]

Yea, Donna, I should have probably told him exactly how much time he had (45 minutes) instead of just saying you have enough time...the walking the dog takes maybe 5 minutes! grrr. But, like Diane, I won't un-ground...I don't ground easily and especially since he's been told if he apologizes he will be ungrounded, and he refuses...I can't.
Kacee...Magic 1-2-3 helped me alot not to get involved in the mind games and word arguments.

[Mickey]

Hmmmm...not there yet, but I know I will be one day!

How about if you explain that there's a difference between what you WANT to do and what you NEED to do and that NEEDS come before WANTS. When you are responsibility for something, you NEED to take care of things and follow through. You are responsible for walking Magic. It's something that NEEDS to be done, just like homework and chores--these things will always come before the things you WANT to do, like reading, eating dessert, etc.

Maybe then ask him what would happen if Daddy went golfing every day instead of to work. Or if you went spa-ing instead of taking him to baseball practice or washing his clothes or grocery shopping.

[AnnW]

He understands all that, Mick..it's hard to explain, it's almost like in the movie Rainmain when Raymond becomes so fixated on something that you just couldn't get him off it! LOL DS had clearly made up his mind that he didn't have time to do this, and by me insisting he did, therefore I didn't want him to have dessert and read...there was no reasoning him. He sat there for 2 hours yelling "I want to read"!!!!! And I know I will get blasted for this, but after 2 hours, and dd trying to sleep in our room cause of the yelling, I went in and spanked him and he was quiet.

[Mickey]

Originally posted by AnnW
He understands all that, Mick..it's hard to explain, it's almost like in the movie Rainmain when Raymond becomes so fixated on something that you just couldn't get him off it! LOL DS had clearly made up his mind that he didn't have time to do this, and by me insisting he did, therefore I didn't want him to have dessert and read...there was no reasoning him. He sat there for 2 hours yelling "I want to read"!!!!! And I know I will get blasted for this, but after 2 hours, and dd trying to sleep in our room cause of the yelling, I went in and spanked him and he was quiet.

How upsetting for you. There has to be some way to get through to him. Would it mean anything coming from someone else? You know how kids always think their parents don't have a clue. Maybe if a school counselor talks to him or a coach he admires? I just don't know what to think.

I'd be reluctant to back out of the weekend grounding like someone else suggested, though. He may not totally get your reasoning for telling him to walk the dog, but he understood what he was doing when he told you "No!".

[TXmom]

Hang in there - today will be a better day!

[Diane]

[i]And I know I will get blasted for this, but after 2 hours, and dd trying to sleep in our room cause of the yelling, I went in and spanked him and he was quiet. [/B]

You told him what you wanted him to do and he wouldn't listen so... you did what you had to do. I'm sure that by the time you had to resort to spanking him, (which I know you don't often do) he knew you meant business. Sorry you had to go through this... sometimes I think having to punish our children is harder on the parent than it is the child receiving the punishment. Ugh!!! That's the part of parenting that is NEVER fun! Maybe now that everybody has calmed down a little bit you can sit down with him and talk about what happened. Good luck!!!

Diane... :wave:

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Diane P.


You told him what you wanted him to do and he wouldn't listen so... you did what you had to do. I'm sure that by the time you had to resort to spanking him, (which I know you don't often do) he knew you meant business. Sorry you had to go through this... sometimes I think having to punish our children is harder on the parent than it is the child receiving the punishment. Ugh!!! That's the part of parenting that is NEVER fun! Maybe now that everybody has calmed down a little bit you can sit down with him and talk about what happened. Good luck!!!

Diane... :wave:


Thanks! so true..I have been so depressed about this all day, and I am sure he is having a ball at school!

Donna...I hope today is better.

Thanks Mick...

[Diane]

Originally posted by AnnW



Thanks! so true..I have been so depressed about this all day, and I am sure he is having a ball at school!

Donna...I hope today is better.

Thanks Mick...

How's it going tonight Ann... did he apologize or say anything about what happened??? I hope everything gets worked out real soon. Take care...

Diane...

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Diane P.


How's it going tonight Ann... did he apologize or say anything about what happened??? I hope everything gets worked out real soon. Take care...

Diane...

pretty tense around here! he got off the bus and went straight to his room, haven't heard a word out of him.

[Diane]

I have a feeling he's going to try to make you feel guilty... but please don't. YOU didn't do anything... Either that or HE'S feeling guilty and he doesn't quite know how to handle it. Either way... him avoiding you is not going to make it go away. Don't you just HATE these kinds of conflicts??? Ugh... Hope things start to get better soon... I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers... Good luck!!!

Diane...

[AnnW]

Thanks Diane...I think we are in for the long haul with this one.

[Linda/NE]

Oh Ann!! I know exactly what you mean!! Must be that pre-teenager stage! My ds (11) is so difficult and of course we just don't know anything!

I admire the way you stood your ground and stick to it. That's what we have found works the best with ds.

Today he went to help dh with some cattle and dh told him to walk around on the cement (because dh had just stepped in the manure). So what does ds do? Tromps right thru the manure and then is practically balling because his clothes and shoes are all stinky! Dh explained to him that it was because he didn't listen to him , but ds insists it's because he had to go help his dad. He came in all crabby going on and on how he was never going to help his dad again,etc. He just couldn't (or wouldn't) understand that he brought on the consequences, not dh.

Stick to your guns. I'm sure he'll come around.

Good Luck!!! :)

[AnnW]

But the question is ...why do I feel so badly? He's fine..a little ticked about being in his room, but fine!

I think you are right Linda & Diane about the age, but it doesn't make it any easier does it!!! LOL

[Diane]

I think at this age, everything bad that happens in their life somehow turns out to be OUR fault, whether we had anything to do with it or not... LOL It's their age, and a stage they're going through, and eventually they'll grow out of it. Unfortunately sometimes it doesn't feel like that happens soon enough. If it makes you feel any better, we ALL go through things like this with our kids... your child is NOT the only child to act up like tihs. LOL At 24 years of age my oldest dd will still apologize for what she put us through when she was younger. NOW that she's older and more mature she knows/understands... LOL Back then you couldn't tell her a thing... Hang in there guy's... it does get better!!!

Diane...

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by Diane P.
I think at this age, everything bad that happens in their life somehow turns out to be OUR fault, whether we had anything to do with it or not... LOL It's their age, and a stage they're going through, and eventually they'll grow out of it. Unfortunately sometimes it doesn't feel like that happens soon enough. If it makes you feel any better, we ALL go through things like this with our kids... your child is NOT the only child to act up like tihs. LOL At 24 years of age my oldest dd will still apologize for what she put us through when she was younger. NOW that she's older and more mature she knows/understands... LOL Back then you couldn't tell her a thing... Hang in there guy's... it does get better!!!

Diane...

ITA!! I am not going through this yet with my dks, but I know my day will come. Ann, I think you are doing the right thing and maybe after a few days he will apologize or at least when things calm down you guys could talk about it?? It's tough to fight with our kids or to feel like we have disapointed them or hurt them and I think it will be an ongoing battle of questioning ourselves and our decisions until they move out! lol You are very involved in your dks lives and you can feel proud to know that regardless of this current fight and struggles with ds you are a good parent and things will get better. Hang in there and I hope it all works out soon!

btw - I finally found this post - it didn't come up in the new posts for me???

[Ryleigh]

Just reading about your problem with ds. I hear ya Ann.
Hope all is going better today! Things are a little less tense around here, hopefully we'll both be on the road to a brighter tomorrow.