Grounding Dilemma

[AnnW]

As ya'll know ds is grounded. The grounding was in his room after school, no baseball game last night, no camping trip this weekend. In my mind's eye, that meant he was in his room all weekend, but I wasn't totally specific.
Here's the dilemma...our block has decided to have a spur of the moment block party tonite. I can leave him at home and not let him go, but that means that dd and I won't be able to stay as long as we want (I won't leave him alone after dark). So do I keep him in his room and just come back early basically punishing dd and myself, or do I let him come since this wasn't specifically mentioned in the grounding?

[RCT]

IMHO I would come home early, try not to think of it as punishing your self and dd....even though I have been there before, where I had to leave someplace I wanted to be, just to hold my ground ... Maybe you and dd could rent a movie for just girls while ds is in his room....I think if you let him go to the block party, he might think he has won in the grand sceme of things...jmho...I am so not there yet, but wanted to give an opinion..

[Diane]

IMHO seeing you weren't "specific" (and he really wouldn't know any better, would he?) I'd bring him. :) I think him having to miss his baseball game and his camping trip... plus having to stay in his room after school, is more than enough... and hopefully it gave him something to think about... I'd say it's time to get back on track and move on. :) Good luck!

Diane... :wave:

[AnnW]

Diane..the thing that gets me, is that he has not apologized or even shown the slightest hint of remorse or that he is even upset by this...I know partly it's a power game he is playing showing that this doesn't effect him, while I want this to drop to, I really don't get the sense that he has learned anything from this.
Does that make any sense?

[Diane]

I know what you mean and it does make sense... but in my own way of thinking... him seeing you and dd having to put yourselves out (as you said... YOU'RE the ones being grounded) just might give him a little sense of having won too.... like now he's grounding you and that just "might" make him feel pretty good. Has he talked to you AT ALL since any of this happened??? Have you been able to talk with him??? He's at a very stubborn age and he just may be stubborn enough to never apologize... but believe me, he more than likely probably KNOWS that he was wrong. Their very stubborn about admitting it though. LOL You should do what you feel is right for you... You haven't mentioned your dh... what does he think of all this?

Diane... :wave:

[Amy]

MHO is to hold your ground. The more flexible or wishy washy (your words lol) you become, they more he thinks he is gaining ground. Since is not remorseful in the least, don't let him out of his grounding.

I liken this to having a baby sleep through the night. The first couple of nights are horrible and you feel tortured. By the third night he is sleeping through the night and so are you. By sticking to your guns, they adjust and know they can't manipulate anymore and everyone is happier.

Can you have someone come over and watch him while you and dd have a good time?

Arm chair psychology at its best here! LOL!!!!

[Diane]

[i]Can you have someone come over and watch him while you and dd have a good time?/B]

Now THAT'S a GREAT idea Amy... I'd get him a babysitter... but their is NO WAY that I'd give him the satisfaction of seeing me being punished for his actions. He SHOULD apologize but... like I said, he may never apologize or "apear" to be remorseful! At this age their just too darn stubborn to admit that you were right. Ugh!!!!

Diane... :wave:

[kacee]

I like the babysitter idea also. You will still keep to your grounding and can go out. It might make him furious though. They want to be so independent.

[AnnW]

I like that idea too, but the problem is most of my babysitters will be at the party!!!!

[Amy]

If you pay them generously enough to come to your house towards darkness, they will come! :D Pay them $5-6 an hour for just a couple of hours. That way you can stay until dd gets tired and the kids can go back to the party afterwards. Its principle darling. Go and don't let ds think that you will suffer too.

I agree you may never get an apology from him. Boys have a hard time admitting they were at fault, let alone at this age! Just let it blow over without any more comments and let him save some face. You are making your point wonderfully by sticking to his grounding. Next time he will more than likely watch his mouth.

[AnnW]

Amy...that's the going rate around here! LOL

Thanks for the encouragement, I have made a few calls.

[KarlaB]

I am totally lost! What did your ds do? I haven't come across it in another post yet!

[AnnW]

Originally posted by KarlaB
I am totally lost! What did your ds do? I haven't come across it in another post yet!


It's under "I am so frusserated"

[Amy2]

Ann, he is obviously engaging in a power play with you, but so are you by insisting that he apologize. The bottom line is, you gave him an if/or and he chose not to do as you asked so you grounded him. End of story. If he does it again, you do it again. Period. Like it or not, and clearly he does NOT like it, you're the boss. Perhaps this is his only way of feeling like he has some power of his own. Maybe you could just stick to your punishment and let the rest slide. As others have said, let it go.

And getting someone to stay with him is a great idea. Or maybe you and your dh could draw straws so one of you could stay at the party and the other go home.

Amy

[AnnW]

He came in about an hour ago and really took ownership of the whole turmoil, we had a nice talk about trusting me when I say there is enough time, not over-reacting and saying things that we don't really mean. His dad had told him (Wednesday) that if he did apologize he could go on the scout trip. Since he waited to the last minute, he had to call and make his arrangements (which is really tough on him cause he gets very shy on the phone) and he did. I was very impressed with how he took responsibility for his actions and did not try to throw it back on me. Maybe he IS learning something after all.

.
And Amy, if it was a power play by insisting that he apologize than so be it, (I don't think I am, and I am not interested in "winning") but I will not allow disobediant and disrespectful behaviour to just get swept under the rug. My job as a parent to teach him how to be the best adult he can be. I want him to grow up to be an adult who takes responsibility for his behavior. I am not asking him to grovel or wear a hair shirt, but I am simple "I acted out of line and I am sorry." I don't think that is too much to ask of a 11.5 year old.

[RCT]

to hear that he apologized....maybe he needed more time to think about what he needed to do....glad things worked out for you all, but I have a question.....Whats a hair shirt?


Quote "I am not asking him to grovel or wear a hair shirt, but I am simple "I acted out of line and I am sorry." I don't think that is too much to ask of a 11.5 year old. "

[KarlaB]

Originally posted by AnnW
I am not asking him to grovel or wear a hair shirt, but I am simple "I acted out of line and I am sorry." I don't think that is too much to ask of a 11.5 year old.

I am so glad things worked out - sounds like he just needed some time to "cool off" and think about things. I think you did the right thing and I agree that it is not asking too much for our kids (or anyone for that matter) to apologize for inappropriate behavior. Regardless of the struggles lately it sounds like you have a great kid and that you guys are just going through one of the stages that comes along with this age! Not to say it's easy, but if nothing else the outcome today should encourage you that you are obviously doing this parenting thing right and have taught your dks well! Pat yourself on the back! :)

[AnnW]

Thanks so much for your kind words, Renee and Karla! I do hope so.
Renee, in bible times, sinners would wear a "hair shirt' to show their repentence for their sins.

[Diane]

I'm SOOOO glad that he finally came and apologized... I'll bet you're relieved that it's all done and over with. I'm sure that the next time you ask him to walk the dog... he'll WALK THE DOG... without any arguments! LOL You handled the situation very well!!! :)

Diane... :wave:

[angie r]

Originally posted by AnnW
Thanks so much for your kind words, Renee and Karla! I do hope so.
Renee, in bible times, sinners would wear a "hair shirt' to show their repentence for their sins.

A hair shirt? Ewwwwwwwwww...

Hooray for ds!! :yippee:

Hooray for AnnW!! :yippee:

[AnnW]

Thanks Diane and Angie!

Diane, I think that was one of the best aspects of our talk was him saying "mom, listening to you and doing what you ask is alot easier than living through the past few days" I was so proud of him! He really is a good kid.

[Diane]

LOL... and here you thought this whole things wasn't affecting him one bit... :) Sounds like he was quite miserable too. He does sound like a great kid... and you've got good reason to be proud. You did good!!!! :)

Diane... :wave:

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Diane P.
LOL... and here you thought this whole things wasn't affecting him one bit... :) Sounds like he was quite miserable too. He does sound like a great kid... and you've got good reason to be proud. You did good!!!! :)

Diane... :wave:

yea, if he changes his mind about being a geologist when he grows up, I will send him into ACTING!!!!!

thanks, this parenting stuff is hard! LOL

[Diane]

Parenting IS hard... isn't it??? LOL I remember when my girls were little I could hardly wait for them to grow up/get older because I "thought" things would be SOOO much easier. Well wasn't I wrong? LOL The older they get the more challenging it gets. There were plenty of times when I wished I could turn back the clock and make them "little" again. LOL You'll make it through it all though... it's amazing how much you learn from all of these wonderful experiences our children put us through. Just think, by the time your dd is his age... you'll be an expert and won't need no help/opinions from us at all... LOL

Diane... :wave:

[AnnW]

Originally posted by Diane P.
Parenting IS hard... isn't it??? LOL I remember when my girls were little I could hardly wait for them to grow up/get older because I "thought" things would be SOOO much easier. Well wasn't I wrong? LOL The older they get the more challenging it gets. There were plenty of times when I wished I could turn back the clock and make them "little" again. LOL You'll make it through it all though... it's amazing how much you learn from all of these wonderful experiences our children put us through. Just think, by the time your dd is his age... your'll be an expert and won't need no help/opinions from us at all... LOL

Diane... :wave:


yea, right..I will be begging ya'll for help! LOL

do you read "Baby Blues" comic strip? The other day you see Wanda and the kids walking down the mall, Zoe and Ham are acting up and screaming and whining, they pass a mom with teenage kids with piercings, wild hair, and the mom fussing at them...you see the caption above the mom of the teenagers saying "I am SO glad I never have to go through that phase again" and you see Wanda thinking "oh I dread that stage"
It really never does get better does it???? LOL

[Diane]

Originally posted by AnnW



yea, right..I will be begging ya'll for help! LOL

do you read "Baby Blues" comic strip? The other day you see Wanda and the kids walking down the mall, Zoe and Ham are acting up and screaming and whining, they pass a mom with teenage kids with piercings, wild hair, and the mom fussing at them...you see the caption above the mom of the teenagers saying "I am SO glad I never have to go through that phase again" and you see Wanda thinking "oh I dread that stage"
It really never does get better does it???? LOL

I didn't see that one, but it sounds right on... LOL Actually I think it does get better... just never seems soon enough! Right when you swear you're going to loose it something miracules (sp?) happens and suddenly they seem to grow up... LOL We seldom have issues with our oldest dd anymore and although I still worry about her (and probably always will) I trust that she's now mature enough to understand what she should and shouldln't be doing, and has finally learned to think things through before deciding to do ANYTHING. She use to do everything on a whim and wouldn't think ahead to the end results or their consequences. LOL Whew... only two more left to go... LOL Hang in there... :)

Diane... :wave:

[RCT]

Thanks for the info on the hair shirt....told dh and he laughed at me, he knew what it was...LOL.. :lol: I am thirlled at the open lines of communication that you and your ds are having....wish my 5 year old would start to comprehend my words....he must be trying my patients, to see what he can get away with ....he goes through this stage every couple of years, but that doesn't make it any easier....your so right about this being harder than it should...LOL. :lol: