Poll..what should Amy do!

[imamama]

Oh what to do, what to do??!!!
Found out today that I don't lose my 5+ years of service with CIGNA - a good thing - but the benefit elections (med and dent) I had when I was laid off are still in effect. Here's the dilemma, df just took a job with a new company that doesn't offer med or dent insurance. We figured no problem, I was told I'd be a "new hire", and thus would start from scratch, which means re-enrolling, or enrolling as a new hire, for benefits. Well, no. That's not the case. I was gone a total of 7 weeks, so I'm within the same plan year, so my benefit elections continue. Not good. I emailed HR and explained the situation and asked if there was any way I could add my df (aka domestic partner since we live together). I'm still waiting on a response from HR. So, if I can't change my coverage, we would need to get married now, which I have no problem with, except that it would take a little something away when we actually do get married, and I'd have to keep it from my family for over a year:\ , which reeeeeeeeeeeally sucks.
He needs insurance. I don't feel comfortable with him not having coverage, and the COBRA premiums from his former job are nowhere near worth the money or the hassle.
I would have my best friend be there as a witness, b/c I know she wouldn't tell a soul, but it just seems like such a deception to everyone and I wouldn't even be able to change my name yet :(
wwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I'm hoping I'll get the answer I want tomorrow, but I have a strong feeling that it won't be what I want to hear, this is CIGNA we're talking about!!!!
TIA

[AnnW]

Why can't you get married now. Why not do it at the beach this year? If not, have a service, reception at your house and then later go to the beach and have a big party or just a honeymoon? I think starting out your marriage as a secret is a bad way to start.

[imamama]

I totally agree with you on the last part, and our reasoning for waiting so long is so we can save up and have the wedding and honeymoon we want. This will be my only wedding, and I want it to be just right. For once in my life, I don't want to skimp and cut corners. By having the wedding next Sept, we'll both be able to have everything we want and have dreamt of having for our wedding. I've ALWAYS had to do things the least expensive way possible and I don't want to end up feeling that I had to do that for my wedding, also. There just isn't enough time to save up for what we want. (and we're not planning anything extravagent anyway, we're planning on a conservative budget, but there are certain things we really want)

[AnnW]

I understand you not wanting to cut corners. I had my dream wedding so I know how important it can be. BUT, think of how your dd and parents would feel if they found out you eloped..that could be so hurtful. Could you take out a loan? Is being on the beach an intergral part of your dream? Would not having it away help cut the costs. Many of your friends might be relieved to not have to pay hotel ect...might get better gifts ;)
Isn't there a pretty lake right outside of Chattanooga, couldn't you have it there? Have the same type of outside deal, casual ect, but just now.

[imamama]

Yes, being on the beach is THE intregral part of the wedding (of course marrying df and becoming a family is the most important thing). There are some nice places on the lake here, but it's kind of a joke, too, for me, it's not nearly the same as being on the beach, the real beach!!! Can't take out a loan, just bought my car. As far as the costs for family and the 2 friends I'll be having, we're renting either one large house, or 2 medium to make it cheaper and give everyone a chance at a vacation, too. And, my friend in Canada couldn't make the trip this year, she's way too stretched as it is with her mother just passing away and her not being able to work much. And she HAS to be a part of the wedding. Like I said, DILEMMA!!!!! I do appreciate your input and alternative ideas, though, it's very helpful!

[AnnW]

Okay...how about any of these places........

http://www.barnsleyinn.com/WebDocs/Weddings/Weddings.htm

http://www.islandcove.com/party.htm

http://www.kingwoodresort.com/101.0.html

http://www.monteagleinn.com/pages/home.html

http://www.eagleslandinginn.com/accomodations/catering.htm

http://irmweb.irm-systems.com/irmweb/wc.dll/tnchacvb?id=tnchacvb&doc=rol/rol1/ref&kn=10697&rd=U

http://www.casagrandedelrio.com/weddings.asp

[imamama]

I recognized the Island Cove link right off! It's very close to here, and beautiful. There's still the money issue, though. My dress, Reece's dress, etc, etc, etc! I'm not trying to be difficult and I'm going to look at all the links, and talk to df and see if something could be worked out. I don't want to get married on the down low unless there's absolutely no other alternative. It would most likely eat me up, but sometimes, we have to do things we don't want out of pure necessity.
(going to look at the links right now! thanks for looking them up!!)

[AnnW]

oops..I was posting those sites while you were shooting me down! LOL
ok..if nothing can be changed, what kind of suggestions did you want?
and how is secretly getting married, not being able to change your name better than getting married on the beach?

[imamama]

I wasn't shooting you down

[AnnW]

sniff....maybe it just seem liked it.....sniff...whimper..sob.........



NNBB :p ;) :D

[imamama]

:p maybe I'll START slamming you! ;) I mainly just wanted a "what would you do in my position" response. We just really don't have the extra $ right now for anything. That's why this is so difficult. torn between decisions, feelin' like a fool... ROFL

[vea29]

Aren't you getting stressed out before you have to...You don't even know if they're going to say no...about him going on your plan now...but if ithat's the case...will waiting until the end of the summer help...can he go that long without insurance. (we all know men never go to the Dr.'s unless they're dying anyway...LOL)

But I would have to say I would go into hock, to do it now rather then doing it secretly. It just wouldn't feel right to me. Things like that always come out and then I would just feel awlful.

[AnnW]

Originally posted by imamama
:p maybe I'll START slamming you! ;) I mainly just wanted a "what would you do in my position" response. We just really don't have the extra $ right now for anything. That's why this is so difficult. torn between decisions, feelin' like a fool... ROFL


we were posting at the same time too many times..didn't see where you saw the links!!

ok..off to find you and Reece dresses! LOL

[AnnW]

http://www2.bridesave.com/search/index.cfm?action=searchresults&page=1&opt1=0&opt2=0&opt3=0&opt4=0&opt5=0&opt6=0&opt7=0&opt8=0&opt9=0&opt10=0&opt11=0&opt12=0&opt13=2916&dept_id=2


http://www2.bridesave.com/search/index.cfm?action=searchresults&page=1&opt1=0&opt2=0&opt3=0&opt4=0&opt5=0&opt6=0&opt7=2921&dept_id=3

http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridalcollections.jsp

http://yp.bellsouth.com/sites/bridalcenter/page2.html

http://www.weddingsdirectory.us/dir/11/247.php

http://www.alltimefavorites.com/frame.php?v=3716&r=TN1&st=TN99&pcat=bridal-attire-brand-name&source=local/Wedding-Related/bridal-attire-brand-name/Tennessee/Chattanooga.htm&target=www.aclassytouchwedding.com&na=A_Classy_Touch__Discount_Bridal_Service&action=do

http://www.alltimefavorites.com/frame.php?v=2828&r=TN1&st=TN99&pcat=bridal-attire-brand-name&source=local/Wedding-Related/bridal-attire-brand-name/Tennessee/Chattanooga.htm&target=pages.ivillage.com/beckysbridal/&na=Becky_s_Bridal&action=do


http://www.switchboard.com/Bridal_Shops/Chattanooga/TN/130-/yellowpages.htm

[imamama]

ROFL Was wondering how I posted a poll, when I didn't post a poll!! :lol:
I've already bought patterns for my dress, Reece's and the bridesmaids. Find me some CHEAP material!!!!

[imamama]

Originally posted by AnnW
we were posting at the same time too many times..didn't see where you saw the links!!



sniff, sniff, you thought I was slamming you :\ I said thank you for finding all those links, and that I was going to look at them all (okay, this would be the guilt trip thing going on :lol: )
Do you sew? If so (no pun intended!) then I'll send you the patterns and let you get to work! :lol:

[AnnW]

Didn't even see that post! LOL

sheesh...material now? OK....but, no sewing for me!

[imamama]

I like the poll questions, but we can't afford to get df indep. coverage right now. Let's remember, in one week, I got a wireless laptop, a new car and an engagement ring! We're stretched a tad thin at the moment! Guess I could sit outside the office and breaks and lunch with a tin cup to try and raise money!!! :biglaugh:

[AnnW]

Well, someone voted for that option! LOL

what do you want the options to be?

[PamE]

What about explaining the problem to your family and friends, getting married now and plan on a renewal of vows and honeymoon next year with everything as you originally planned? Not exactly the same, but it may be a way to have the best of both worlds.

[AnnW]

ooo...that's good Pam.

Here's fabric.....

http://www.fashionfabricsclub.com/catalog_items.cfm?Query=wedding

http://www.fashionfabricsclub.com/catalog_items.cfm?Query=bridal



http://store.yahoo.com/phoenixtextiles/index.html

http://www.discount-fabric.com/







and tailors

http://ypng.areaconnect.com/_1_2PC7UUW09DNOVB__areac.main/ypv3/list.htm?&kcfg=ypus&ypinsp=0&searchtype=all&fromform=qsearch&qh=DressMaker&wqhqn=1&qhqn=DressMaker&qc=Chattanooga&qs=tn&qk=15&ferr=1&xmlurl=http%3A%2F%2Fyp.superpages.com%2Fxml%2FspPage.phtml%3FSRC%3DInfospace%26STYPE%3D%26PG%3DL%26C %3DDressMaker%26N%3D%26E%3D%26RE%3D%26K%3D%26Z%3D%26R%3DN%26PI%3D%26T%3DChattanooga%26S%3DTN%26A%3D% 26X%3D%26P%3D%26NA%3D%26GL%3D%26CID%3D%26search%3DFind%2BIt&top=external&qsubcat=firstpage&ypfwd=1&16990




http://ypng.areaconnect.com/_1_2PC7UUW09DNOVB__areac.main/ypv3/list.htm?qb=00000493585&xmlurl=http%3A%2F%2Fyp109.superpages.com%2Fxml%2FspPage.phtml%3FCID%3D00000493585%26C%3Dtailor%26T%3 DChattanooga%26PG%3DL%26R%3DN%26SRC%3DInfospace%26S%3DTN%26MC%3D1%26PI%3D1&kcfg=ypus&ypinsp=0&searchtype=all&fromform=qsearch&qb=00000493585&qh=Tailors&wqhqn=1&qhqn=tailor&qc=Chattanooga&qs=tn&qk=15&ferr=1&top=external&qsubcat=firstpage

[Mickey]

Originally posted by imamama
I totally agree with you on the last part, and our reasoning for waiting so long is so we can save up and have the wedding and honeymoon we want. This will be my only wedding, and I want it to be just right. For once in my life, I don't want to skimp and cut corners. By having the wedding next Sept, we'll both be able to have everything we want and have dreamt of having for our wedding. I've ALWAYS had to do things the least expensive way possible and I don't want to end up feeling that I had to do that for my wedding, also. There just isn't enough time to save up for what we want. (and we're not planning anything extravagent anyway, we're planning on a conservative budget, but there are certain things we really want)

Didn't read the rest of the replies yet and I'm sorry if this is moot by now, but I think your day will be special no matter when and where it is if you love each other. My wedding was spur of the moment, at my uncle's house and it was beautiful. My mom couldn't be there and had the best attitude--said that while she would have loved to have been there, what's most important is our MARRIAGE and the rest of our lives, not that one day. Very true. I've seen extremely extravagant and expensive fairy tale weddings end in divorce before the first anniversary. It will be a dream wedding for the two of you no matter where and when it happens.

I agree with Ann...wouldn't do it secretely. Why not have an intimate wedding at home with your family and plan an one-year anniversary vacation with family and friends and renew your vows on the beach?

[Jeff]

I would think that his change in employment would be considered a life changing event that would allow for changes on your insurance. I do question whether he could be added since you are not married.

[Mickey]

Originally posted by AnnW
...and how is secretly getting married, not being able to change your name better than getting married on the beach?

And how is it better than getting married at a lake or at your house in a simple, but elegant ceremony now and then having the big vow renewal/celebration at the beach one year later? I'd rather do that than get married secretly and not be able to change my name or tell anyone for a year.

[imamama]

Originally posted by Mickey
Didn't read the rest of the replies yet and I'm sorry if this is moot by now, but I think your day will be special no matter when and where it is if you love each other. My wedding was spur of the moment, at my uncle's house and it was beautiful. My mom couldn't be there and had the best attitude--said that while she would have loved to have been there, what's most important is our MARRIAGE and the rest of our lives, not that one day. Very true. I've seen extremely extravagant and expensive fairy tale weddings end in divorce before the first anniversary. It will be a dream wedding for the two of you no matter where and when it happens.

I agree with Ann...wouldn't do it secretely. Why not have an intimate wedding at home with your family and plan an one-year anniversary vacation with family and friends and renew your vows on the beach?
That's so awesome your mother was so understanding. Unfortunately, I don't think mine would be.

And as far as reknewing our vows next year, even though that's what we'd technically be doing, I think it would take away from some of the excitement of me ACTUALLY getting married! LOL

Jeff, you're right about the life change, I'm just not sure the company from hell will see it that way! LOL I do need to wait until I get a final answer, but I can almost guarantee that it won't be in my favor. Although they call themselves "A Business of Caring", I have yet to see that factor into the employee aspect of the company!!!!

Me thinks me has a lot of thinking to do, depending on the answer I get from HR. I truly hope they'll let me re-enroll, but this is the same company that laid off a ton of people while there were boucoup job postings out there. Don't get why they wouldn't try to just move those people into other positions, instead of paying severance, etc. Oh well, guess it's not my place to try and figure out why the big dogs got their jobs when they're so stupid and blind as to how to efficiently run a company!!!

[Mickey]

Originally posted by vea29
Aren't you getting stressed out before you have to...You don't even know if they're going to say no...about him going on your plan now...but if ithat's the case...will waiting until the end of the summer help...can he go that long without insurance. (we all know men never go to the Dr.'s unless they're dying anyway...LOL)

But I would have to say I would go into hock, to do it now rather then doing it secretly. It just wouldn't feel right to me. Things like that always come out and then I would just feel awlful.

I would NOT let him go without insurance...I'm sure you know (working for an insurance company) that once you let it lapse, requalifying could be a PITA and result in limited coverage (exclusions and such) or outright denial of coverage if something in a pre-coverage physical were to show up.

I agree with Vea's second paragraph!

[imamama]

Originally posted by Mickey
And how is it better than getting married at a lake or at your house in a simple, but elegant ceremony now and then having the big vow renewal/celebration at the beach one year later? I'd rather do that than get married secretly and not be able to change my name or tell anyone for a year.
B/c it's not how I want my wedding to be. There is a difference. To me, at least. I'm afraid that if my fam and friends go to a ceremony now, or in the near future, they won't want to go to another one just b/c it's what I want and we had to get married out of necessity. This is coming from someone who swore up and down her entire adult life she would never get married. At least by us doing it so he can get ins., and not telling anyone, it won't negate the true and actual ceremony. Y'all don't know my family, my brother flat out refused to buy the pants I chose for the best man/groomsman. told me he didn't like them and he wasn't going to buy them. But then followed it up with "it would be different if it was a tux".??????????????????? What the hell, they're a pair of khaki pants that you can wear again, but hey, renting a tux that you can return is much better :rolleyes: okay, what planet do you live on?!!! The pants I chose were cotton/linen with a drawstring waste. He said they weren't in style, so he wouldn't buy them. Nice, like bridesmaids never have to buy dresses that will just sit in their closets forever, with no potential future use. I chose the attire based on the fact that the wedding party could wear the clothes again. The bridesmaid dresses are cute little sundresses that will be made out of cotton, in a modern style, that they will most definitely wear more than once. And they've both said they would were the dresses again b/c the style is so cute. I even offered to buy my bro's shirt and pants, but he still said nope, wouldn't wear the pants no matter what. Nice, real nice!!!!
Sorry, venting on the sore spots now! Time for me to go to bed! Thanks for all the input!

[Mickey]

If you don't get the answer you want from your employer, it looks like you'll just have to go with the COBRA for df and wait to get married until you can do it the way you want to do it.

[Amy]

Here is my spin. As you remember I got married in a major blizzard. 20 people out of 110 people showed up to my wedding. I went through with it and told myself we would renew our vows after 5 or 10 years with a big reception. I DO feel cheated that I didn't have my big wedding, and didn't have my reception at this beautiful historic restaurant. The people who did make it though (and to a different local reception at a hotel) said it was the best wedding they have ever went too. It definitely WAS the craziest! LOL

Well, I never have had the inkling to renew our vows since then. It wouldn't be the same as the original vows and having another reception after the fact, seems like a waste of good money. :lol:

Whatever you decide, know that your original vows will be the only ones that matter. Can your parents loan you the cash to have it this year?

[MaryL]

You've gotten some great advice...and I can imagine this is a hard decision to make. The way I look at marriage is that the wedding is a one day event and the marriage is forever. This is really all about you, your df, and your dd. If your family doesn't understand your decision to wait...or get married immediately, then it's too bad that they aren't looking at the whole picture. We'll all like the perfect wedding with everyone we love in attendance, perfect weather, etc. etc. Sometimes though it's not always possible. Your married life together will last a lot longer than the wedding day. Heck...we're with you on whatever you decide!:)

[vea29]

Originally posted by MaryL
You've gotten some great advice...and I can imagine this is a hard decision to make. The way I look at marriage is that the wedding is a one day event and the marriage is forever. This is really all about you, your df, and your dd. If your family doesn't understand your decision to wait...or get married immediately, then it's too bad that they aren't looking at the whole picture. We'll all like the perfect wedding with everyone we love in attendance, perfect weather, etc. etc. Sometimes though it's not always possible. Your married life together will last a lot longer than the wedding day. Heck...we're with you on whatever you decide!:)
Nicely said....You guys are the only ones who will know what feels right....Go with you gut feeling.

[lindaM]

okay heres my opinion as someone who did elope. Granted I was 19 now I'm 35 but her it goes:

The wedding was perfect just me, dh, retired priest and two witnesses. I wouldn't want to change it except to have my parent there.

We got married because I was a good little catholic girl who couldn't live with dh before I was married so we were going to get married not tell anyone and have the wedding later.

That didn't work out we told our parents and they were so mad (mine anyway). The hurt feeling were terrible. Now being a mom I'd be heartbroken if my kids eloped and did bring me.

So my advice is elope and bring your parents and children so no feeling are hurt. Have a big party later when you can afford it.

[AnnW]

I am not clear on something..would your dd know?

[JAK]

Originally posted by imamama

And as far as reknewing our vows next year, even though that's what we'd technically be doing, I think it would take away from some of the excitement of me ACTUALLY getting married! LOL


I'm confused... will you be excited for the wedding and not the marriage? If you got married now (with everyone knowing), I would think you'd be excitied about getting married and starting your married life. If you got married now (with no one knowing), and then had your dream wedding a year from now, how exciting would that be? You would have had to keep that lie for a whole year and that's a BIG lie.

A wedding is ONE day and marriage is supposed to be forever. If you got married now (with everyone knowing) and then had your dream wedding on the beach next summer, wouldn't that be just as exciting? You would have that lie eating away at you .

[imamama]

DILEMMA SOLVED! Talked to HR today and they're letting me add him as a domestic partner!! We have to show proof, like the title to my car (joint ownership), joint bank account, joint credit card, etc. We have to sign an affidavit and have it notorized and viola! Yippeee!!!!

Now, onto to the previous comments. It's not just about the wedding, by any means and I never meant to imply that. The most important thing (which I think I said, or I meant to) is that we become a family and spend our lives together. I didn't want to give up the wedding I've already begun planning, but I also didn't want to deceive my family. So I felt stuck. Trust me, I've never even thought or cared about having a wedding, but it's different with df and dd. I think it will be nice to be able to look back at the ceremony we (me, df and dd) wanted with fond memories. That's why I wasn't open to really trying to plan something sooner. Our ceremony is a symbol of us becoming a family. And actually, df and I were talking about how significant it will be for dd, that's she's an intregral part of it. We're going to write something to say at the end to dd, not sure what yet, though. She loves df, and vice versa, and we don't want her to feel left out in any way, shape or form (except she will be left out of the honeymoon :lol:). It's not so much symbolism that's important, it's the sentimental factor that's important to me, us.
That was the whole reasoning behind getting married on the down low, without telling anyone (no, I wouldn't have told dd, the whole world would know in a matter of hours, I didn't even get to tell half my friends and family we were getting married, she did it first!!!! LOL), b/c I want to preserve the integrity of the sentimental factor. I'm sure this doesn't make sense to any of you, but it's me, and these are my feelings!!!!

[AnnW]

Glad he was able to get on your plan!

[imamama]

Thanks!!! And thanks to everyone for their input. Doesn't matter if we don't see eye to eye, but getting different opinions always helps. Hope I didn't come across and defensive or negative towards any of anyone's comments. Didn't mean to.

[vea29]

Glad it's all working out the way you want it to.:D

[littlesista06]

Originally posted by imamama
Thanks!!! And thanks to everyone for their input. Doesn't matter if we don't see eye to eye, but getting different opinions always helps. Hope I didn't come across and defensive or negative towards any of anyone's comments. Didn't mean to.

Yeah, yeah, whatever, you're just a defensive, negative B***H :lol: :;): ::p: j/k of course!!!! Had to give you a hard time since it's been a while since you've been on the board!!!! :D

[imamama]

Copycat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol:

[JAK]

That's awesome! I'm glad to hear that in the end it worked out for you.

[MaryL]

:yippee: Great news! :yippee:

[Diane]

:yippee: :yippee: I'm so glad to hear that everything worked out. I definitely can see your reason's for wanting the wedding you've always dreamed of having. Now you can start saving up and you'll be able to have exactly what you've always wanted. Congratulaitons!!

Diane...

[BevJ]

Even thought I've offered nothing to this thread, I'd like to say I'm glad it all worked out.