MIL deliema.....

[RCT]

Well, my mother in law is 75 years old, and has 9 children, and is widowed....she is not the nicest person in the world, even her children say that..

she thrives on controversy....she also has congestive heart failure, is about 75 pounds over weight, won't, NOT can't take care of herself....meaning won't clean her home, or take a bath, take her medicine completely, and eat everyday........anyway.....they, (the sisters, of which there are 5 of and 4 boys) have called a POW WOW tonight at one of thier houses...and summonsed everyone....NO SPOUSES...was how it was put....fine

So the problem is she needs someone to take care of her...and no one wants to do it....I know this sounds so heartless and cruel...but she really is a malicious person at times, and will hurt someone just for fun...its like she doens't know any better, but at the same time you know she does......I have had my own up's and down's with her, but for the most part we are cool....

I have said that she will NOT be coming to live with us.....and the really sad thing is that her own children don't want her with them either...so it comes down to Assist. living or a Nursing home.....but most of her daughters thing she should get an appartment, and everyone (of her children) will take turns having a month that they are responsible to take her shopping and clean her home....take her to doctor appts. all those things...excuse me....

And because I am a stay at home mom, I am always volunteered to take care of these things, and sometimes I can and sometimes I can't and don't which is icky cuz who wants to be the bad guy......and like my Job isn't important and time consumming enough....now I did here my DH defending me yesterday on the phone to his sister, saying don't volunteer my wife, she has a job, being a MOM, that's how we worked it out for oursevels....so don't think that she is going to take care of OUR mother....etc.....

We also live an hour away...if something happend to her, which it always does, she is so sick that she needs to get to the ER...and it turns out mostly that she isn't that sick, just didn't feel like making an appointment with her Doctors office.....well she could be dead before we got there.....plus we can't leave here whenever, I need to be here for ds when he is off the bus......

anyhow, Dh is also Ticked because they made it on Thursday night, a week night, he didn't really want to miss Survior, and he thinks that everyone of his sisters will have a different solution, which they will...LOL....they are all grouped in little clicks....the brothers will not have much to say, two of them, I am sure will volunteer their poor wifes.....two family members won't be there, but I guess will be on the phone soon after, one brother lives in TX and one sister in IA...oh well thats the deal on that...

Dh is also ticked because he feels and let it be know that he thinks that the spouses have a right to be in on this decision making process, somehow it will effect us, I am sure we will need to put out some money, that we don't have....

I feel bad for this woman too cuz she made her children dislike her, gosh if my mother had gotten to that state, my brother and I would never have fought over who would have to take care of her.....anyway thanks for letting me vent about it....Its not in my hands anyway...hope this makes sense....

oh and btw, she has been living with her sister, who she has since had a fallingout with and will never speak to again....its so All my Children like.....

[Diane]

First of all Renee... I'd be FURIOUS if I weren't included in on the meeting. If this is going to involve me and my dh/family ALL involved should be at the meeting. No husbands have the right to volunteer their wives services, which is the reason why they SHOULD be there. (to defend themselves... LOL) I'm glad that your dh spoke up for you and defended all that you already do for a job. :)

Your MIL reminds me so much of my FIL... NOBODY liked him but my dh, who is about the most patient person I know of... tolerated him. When my mother in-law died my dear sweet FIL decided for himself that he was going to move in with us. It was at that time that my dh informed him that this was something that wasn't going to happen. As he told his dad, I love you dearly but we barely get along when we only see each other for a few hours at a time to say nothing about you moving in with us... That and you HATE Diane, so what makes you think she'll WANT you to move in with us?, and why would you want to? :) Well... every day after that he hated me even more because he blamed me for being the reason why he couldn't move in with his ds. Ugh!!!!! For the last 6 years of his life I did and saw as little as I possibly could of him. Sorry for going on about myself again but it just really brought back a lot of memories. It's really funny how THEY are the ones who are so hateful and unkind, but yet somehow to them... it's all YOUR fault. LOL Guaranteed... if ANYBODY let her move in with them, I'll almost guarantee that within a few weeks, they'd be at each other's throats... and they'd end up hating each other. Your not doing her or yourselves a favor by allowing her to move in with anybody, especially if she's this kind of a person.

If it were me... I'd vote for her to go into an assisted living situation OR a nursing home. Is there any reason why they don't want her put in a nursing home? By far... that's the best and safest place for her to be. She would be watched and monitored on a continual basis. They would make sure that she got her medication when necessary and they'd make sure that she ate the proper foods. She would be bathed on a daily basis, whether she wanted to or not... she wouldn't have a choice!!! Nobody would be put out and everybody could go visit with her anytime they wanted to OR have her over to their places for a visit whenever they wanted her to. :) It would take a LOT of worry/burdon off from all of you knowing that she is being taken care of and in a safe place. Better yet, she would be with a lot of other people her own age... They also have a lot of games and activities that she could get involved in...

If they do decide to let her move into her own apartment... IMHO taking turns on an EVERY MONTH shift is going to be a LOT of work. Maybe every other two weeks... and with that many kids it shouldn't even have to be that often... but every day for a month is a lot to ask. That's going to end up feeling like one heck of a long month. Personally, I wouldn't like it at all nor would I like that idea that I'd have to fork out money that I don't have. Things are tight enough for you guy's and nobody should expect you to give what you don't have. Any extra money you DO have should be spent on yourselves...

I realize that I might sound like a horrid person abandoning a parent but... if she were/had been a "nice" decent caring person I'm sure the situation would be a lot different. As you said Renee, when/if it were YOUR mother they would have been arguing about who would get her. LOL (same for my mom) :)

I hope everything works out well for all involved Renee.. Just remind your dh before he leaves that he is not to make any promises/decisions before he discusses it with you first. Guilt shouldn't make any of them feel obligated to take on more than they can chew... because in the end their only going to end up resenting (and maybe hating her) even more than they already do. It's not heartless and cruel to admit how you feel... it was her that made you all feel the way you do. Now in the end isn't it a shame that nobody wants her? Ugh!!! Good luck though and please... keep us updated on the progress of the situation.

Thanks... :wave:

[angie r]

What does your MIL want to do? Is she included in on this meeting? I agree with the assisted living probably being the best scenario. Does she have a home or any others assets to sell to pay for it?

[AnnW]

You can get a medicare nurse to come in once a day (sometimes more) to bath her, give her meds ect and it is covered under her medicare health insurance. Why not look into a housekeeper for her?

I think you have every right to be included in the process, but as long as your mil can prove she is mentally competent, NONE of ya'll can force her to do anything.

[kathleen]

Just putting in my two cents worth...I think the sons/daughters are the ones who should be responsible for the caretaking, if it comes to that (even though it usually falls to the daughters and daughters-in-law). And it should be divided as fairly as it can be. I can tell you from watching my own mother and siblings with their father, then mother, that there is always going to be someone not carrying their load.

At the same time, a decision does not have to be made right at that moment (though there should be a deadline for coming up with a plan)...that would give each person time to go home, discuss it with their spouse. Maybe the two out of town could agree to fly home ever so often and give the regular caregivers a break!

Communication and everybody (the siblings -- she is their mother, after all regardless of their feelings for her) contributing is key to making something like this work. A posted schedule helps.
I agree with another poster that a month at a time is too long.

(On another note, I found a website where people commiserate about horrendous in-laws -- called www.motherinlawstories.com -- I have gotten a few laughs from it, plus realized that even though I have disagreements and issues with my MIL, she is not anywhere near as bad as some are!)

Good luck to you and your husband.

[RCT]

Angie R...she isn't included in this meeting either, which I think is wrong also, probably why I am not invited...LOL....
She doesn't own anything anymore, she signed her house away to her eldest son, the one person in the family who doesn't contribute to anyone but himself.....anyway...she has nothing and the place where she lives is too big, and too expensive, plus if you got a house keeper there, it would kill you in expensise....

I agree too that she should be provided for by her family.....But I do not agree that it should be the daughter in laws responsiblity....For heavens sakes I had a mother, and would never have treated her that way.....I am not going to be bullied and abused by my MIL or SIL for that matter....forget it.... call me evil, but NO WAY

I wish I were a fly on the wall right now, dh called and said he was there, and to make sure to set the VCR...LOL...I'll keep you all posted...this is making me crazy

[angie r]

Do they think that your MIL is going to do what they tell them too? If she acts the way you say, it seems like a waste of a meeting to me?? I bet dh is wishing he was home with you!! I hope everything works out ok!

[Mickey]

Wow, what a stinky situation, Renee.

I can see the discussions being between the children only, but the spouses should be consulted before any final decisions are made.

The medicare nurse and housekeeper sounds like a good plan to me. Any chance she'd move into a small apartment?

And don't feel badly about not wanting to be bullied into caring for her.

[RCT]

I can't help but feel for her, its like she can't help herself...she likes things to be out of control.....If she knew they were having a meeting about her...oh my goodness....I think they will ultimately have to get her into a smaller/cheaper apt...or a asst. living program, which she does qualify for, but I think there is a waiting list....any way they sure will be some consulting on my dh's part with me before any decisions are made...I truly believe this is a power struggle between my two SIL's it really has nothing to do with a meeting of what to do with her, nothing can be solved in one meeting on a thrusday night, its all about I called it, so we are having it...you'll all bend to my will...LOL...any I must figure out the second vcr so I can tape friends too...LOL

[Amy]

With 9 children, by no means should you be remotely responsible for caring for her!! Be happy your not at the meeting. You know the old saying "Ignorance is bliss" LOL Good luck Renee!!

[KarlaB]

I would be miffed, too that I wasn't allowed to be a part of the meeting, but like Amy said you're probably lucky you're not! At least your dh will stick up for you and won't let them dump the caretaking on you! Stand your ground! When my fil was sick dh and I did everything! None of his other kids were really affected - it did end up affecting our relationship with them though and fil knew who was there for him. It was overwhelming at times, but I am glad we were there for him. We had a good relationship going into it though, so that does make a difference as far as attitude and willingness. Hope it all works out. My vote would be for assisited living, too. It may be too much of a responsibility to take care of her for a month at a time. :( Hang in there and keep us posted!

[Diane]

Originally posted by AnnW
You can get a medicare nurse to come in once a day (sometimes more) to bath her, give her meds ect and it is covered under her medicare health insurance. Why not look into a housekeeper for her?

I think you have every right to be included in the process, but as long as your mil can prove she is mentally competent, NONE of ya'll can force her to do anything.

LOL... Ann is right, if she is mentally competent nobody can make the final decision as to what she's going to do or where she's going to live but her. Of course... if she expects everybody to pitch in and help her, hopefully she'll do any/everything she can to make it as easy as possible for those who are willing to help her through this very difficult situation. She may not like or appreciate some of the decisions that are going to be made... but if she expects the help, she may need to make some compromises without making a big deal about it. I hope that everything went okay at the meeting tonight... Let us know what was decided.

Diane... :wave:

[Lynda/WA]

This sounds exactly like my Grandma. She had 11 kids of her own and 7 older stepchildren. Of her 11 she outright told people she hadn't wanted the last half. She had lent $50 to my Dad to get married. On Mom and Dad's wedding night she walked in the bedroom to ask for her $50 since she knew they had received money as gifts. When I was born she told the nurses that my dad wasn't my dad (not true). As adults her older kids and their kids constantly were given things from her. When she ran out of money they dissappeared. It was left to the younger ones - the ones she didn't want - to take care of her. My dad worked swing shift and she kept his schedual on her calender so she could call him to come fix this or that. She seemed to think he didn't need to sleep. It was so bad my mom had me run interference. I would answer the phone and as soon as grandma would ask for my Dad, I'd tell her he wasn't home. That way he didn't feel obligated to skip sleeping that day. When he could he would call her and find out what she wanted fixed. Either that or she had gotten ahold of one other uncle. Three of the Four youngest daughters split the other stuff. One aunt took care of all paperwork. All of the bills, taxes and such. The other two aunts split the doctors appointments and the groceries. Usually combined in one fun trip. Visiting wasn't a problem since she had neighbors and sisters in the area. Plus the mucher relatives could be relied upon to show up if they knew she had gone to the bank and bought groceries. Let them visit. Eventually things became to tough for the 5 kids taking care of her and she went into a home. The older 2 kids were really against it since that meant turning over the house. I think my grandma saw the error of her ways before she died. The only ones that visited were the ones she treated like crap before hand.

Right now this is a debate with my great aunt (Tante). She's my mom's aunt and didn't have any children of her own. Plus she was like a grandma to my brother, sister and I. She is losing it mentally. Social services has been involved since one of the neighbors keeps calling them. Luckily the other neighbors are very supportive. They all have mom's number and have called her on occasion. There is one person that calls Tante every night. If there's no answer they call my mom and she drives into town to check on her. A friend of hers picks her up and takes her to church every Sunday. Mom handles all of the bills, doctors appointments and stuff. Luckily for an 80+ year old women she is in good shape physically. She handles nearly all of her own housework except for laundry. She says she can't figure out how to work the washer so Mom takes care of that. The social worker said that Tante is very lucky since she has a large contact circle and a neice willing to do everything. Mom brought up going to a home but she doesn't want to leave the house she and my uncle lived in. When you get that age there is a question of is it worth being safer (ie in a home) if you won't be happy (ie taken away from everything you love) Tante sometimes talks to her dead husband. She told me once that it worries her what social services will think and I told her to talk to him all she wants. I'm sure he can hear her in heaven so if talking to him makes her happy she should do it. Hiring a nurse to come in was brought up but Tante doesn't want someone that may report back to social services around. They had many problems with doctors/nurses when my great uncle was alive. He lost it mentally as well and almost was taken away from his wife. Social services didn't say anything about cost being covered. Mom looked into getting someone from church to come a couple of hours a day for pay, sort of as a companion. Mom just called up the pastor and asked if he knew of another older woman that could come over and use some extra money. Tante vetoed that idea when one of her friends told her about someone that had a companion steal jewelry. I've suggested a pet since she always loved cats and a pet would be a good companion. She says she doesn't want to outlive another pet since it hurts when they die. I couldn't point out that the cat will probably outlive her.

RCT - I think you should be involved in any discussions that will impact you. This will. The main person involved will be your MIL. Having a discussion before talking to her can be helpful since you can let her know what isn't possible. My Grandma wanted to move in with one of the kids. Those she was nice to didn't want the expense. Those she was cruel to refused to for that reason. Once Grandma knew she wasn't moving in with one of the kids she quickly decided she wanted to go into a home. The 5 kids that helped her in her house still helped her out when she was in the home. She was happier there then she expected. If she wants to stay in her home, I'd suggest job delegation. Maybe since you and your DH live farther away you can handle the finances. All of the utilites have my mom's name on file to contact if there is no payment. Mom fills out the checks then has Tante sign after she has explained what is what. Maybe instead of driving there you can do a nightly 5 minute call to make sure she's o.k. . That probably costs about the same as gas to drive. The kids closer to her can do the unexpected errands. Maybe you can do a once a month (every other month) shopping trip and take care of house things at the same time. Good Luck!

[Leigh]

Renee
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't really hav eany advice though, except do not do so much that you wind up resenting yourself and your family. Do only what you can and don't let them wear you out. You are right you do have an important job, so stick with it. Keep us updated and hang in there. We are here for you.

[Ryleigh]

What an icky situation to be in!!
You really should have been included in the meeting. I don't blame you for being upset.

How did it go? Everyone still on speaking terms?? Family situations like this are always trying. Hope you all got through it ok.

[Diane]

How did the meeting go??? I'm SO curious!!! LOL I hope it went well! :)

Diane... :wave:

[kat]

Sorry for the mess, Renee. Glad your dh is standing up for you. Isn't it a shame that mil didn't get the message behind "do unto others ..." I'd stand my gound on this one, and if you want to help out, you set a fine example; but if you don't want to, you should not feel guilty in any way.

It seems we've all got difficult relatives that are going to need to be taken care of in the future. As much as I would hate for any of my relatives to be in a nursing home, sometimes that is just the best solution. No sense placing that much strain on your own family. Good luck to you.

[RCT]

Well, she will be moving in with one of my SIL, who I now think is insane... LOL :lol: but her new bomb is that the SIL would like everyone to pitch in to have the bathroom remodeled so that the MIL can clean herself better, so they need a stand up shower stall....No one has any money, so we'll see what happens....Dh spend saturday helping a sister and brother pack up their mother, and we stayed out at the lake house sat. night....it was fun....kids have a ball out there.....lots of moaning and groaning about the mother, but over all it was a good weekend....

thanks for being concerned...I have kinda given the situation to God, what will be done will be done....we can help with what we can....

[KarlaB]

Glad someone agreed to take her and that it didn't have to be you guys! Hope everything works out!! :)

[Diane]

Sounds like a good deal... I hope your SIL realizes the challenge she's taking by having her mother move in with her because it's not going to be easy... Does she have a large familly? (kids??) How does her dh feel about it? I just hope that she understands that if you are all expected to stick money into a remodeling job on her bathroom... that she's got to make this work for more than a month of two. I hope everything works out real well... :)

Diane... :wave:

[Mickey]

Great news, Renee! So glad God didn't decide that she should live with YOU! LOL! ;)

[Ryleigh]

Glad things worked out for you!! As much as I love my MIL, I wouldn't want her living with me. It just wouldn't work.

[RCT]

Amen to that...NO WAY could she live with us...LOL...I love her, but NO WAY....SIL is crazy, her dh can't stand MIL, and yet this was supposetly, his idea....SIL, and her husband have no children together, and he has two grown children living away from NY.....they have a strange relationship from the outside, but whatever works, I think that MIL, and SIL are going to battle over everything....I still remember the first time she stayed with dh and I when we lived in CA, I came home from work and she had re-arranged my kitchen cabinets, saying that things should be this way...well, I totally stayed calm and put it all back the way I wanted, but WOW, I was ready for her to leave right then and there....LOL.....

The bathroom won't be discussed again until after the summer is over,

1. no one has any money right now,
2. everyone is giving them a trial period.
3. And everyone is sure she will end up in an assistated living facility, which we all agree she would probably like better.... :lol:

[angie r]

What does MIL think of all this? Have you told her yet? LOL

[RCT]

yes, she knows, I think she would rather live in an assist. living home, but the waiting list is rather lengthy.....she is on the list though....I also think she wanted all of her children to fight over who would get her, not take her.....sad huh......I think she is torn, about the move....she has had it hard in life, but some people make it hard.....JMHO....

she moves with in the next week...so I'll keep you all posted...

Hey Angie, your catching up to me....LOL :lol:

[angie r]

Originally posted by RCT

Hey Angie, your catching up to me....LOL :lol:

I am just trying to get to 500!!!

[RCT]

did you pick a little title for yourself yet? that was the hardest part of my day... LOL

[Leigh]

I am glad that you got everything worked out for the time being. I hope that it stays this way at least until she can get into assisited living.