Turn the other cheek or hit back?

[Mickey]

Do you teach your child(ren) to turn the other cheek? I've always said, "Two wrongs don't make a right." and tell 8 yo ds that he is never to hit back. But I was listening one day to Dr. Laura and this guy said that a kid at school hit his child and he told his child that he did the right thing by not hitting the child back. Dr. Laura disagreed and told him he should teach his child that if someone hits him, he's to hit the kid back and that it is a good lesson for the other kid.

What do you tell your kids?

[momof3]

Me and my husband have talked alot about this! One of my fears is my children being hit at school by a bully. My son is very sensitive and he is was raised where people do not hit each other, we respect each other, we don't say mean things to each other. The only thing is when someone does do something to him, he does not know how to react. For ex: he was out on the playground at school a couple weeks ago and a little girl came up and hit him and his friend in the stomach. I asked him if they were just playing and he said no. (he is in Kg) I asked him what he did about it and he said he told them not to do that. They did it again and ran away. I was mad because he did what we have always told him, use words and not hands. But, what do I do if he is using words and still gets picked on. My first thought would be to tell him to stick up for yourself and hit back. I want him to be able to stick up for himself and if he tells a child to knock it off and they repeatly keep doing what he asked them not to do then I think he shoud be able to hit them back (no girls) it is a hard choice. I would like to see others opinions! Thanks!

Amy U

[MaryL]

We tell our boys that if someone (a bully) would hit them, they need to tell a grown up and try to get some help. If they do that, and the grown up doesn't help them...then they may have to defend themselves if it should happen again. We've always approached it with a "try this first..." attitude. Thankfully, my dks haven't experienced this scenario yet.

[vea29]

You know My veiw has always been to turn the other cheek....but as I get older and see the kids in dc. I've decided that they should still turn the other cheek but don't get walk all over. I usually tell them to come to a teacher and we usually take the kids and ask the first one if he hit? Any Why? Then I tell the second one to say how it makes him feel. Then I ask the first one "how would you feel if someone did that to you"? Then I tell them all to keep hands to them self and if you can't you will have to have some quiet time by your self.

It usually works.

[AnnW]

We tell our boys that if someone (a bully) would hit them, they need to tell a grown up and try to get some help. If they do that, and the grown up doesn't help them...then they may have to defend themselves if it should happen again. We've always approached it with a "try this first..." attitude. Thankfully, my dks haven't experienced this scenario yet.

same thing.

[KarlaB]

We tell our boys that if someone (a bully) would hit them, they need to tell a grown up and try to get some help. If they do that, and the grown up doesn't help them...then they may have to defend themselves if it should happen again. We've always approached it with a "try this first..." attitude. Thankfully, my dks haven't experienced this scenario yet.

same thing for us, too!

[littlesista06]

We tell our boys that if someone (a bully) would hit them, they need to tell a grown up and try to get some help. If they do that, and the grown up doesn't help them...then they may have to defend themselves if it should happen again. We've always approached it with a "try this first..." attitude. Thankfully, my dks haven't experienced this scenario yet.

Same here.

[momof3]

That is what I have always told our kids. When my son got hit I asked him what did you do? Did you tell the teacher? He said he did not tell the teacher.....I explained to him if you get hit you need to tell the child who hit you not to hit and if it continues then talk to the teacher, I just want my kids to be able to defend themselves if they need too. I do not want them to be walked on and picked on because the kids no he will not defend himself.

Amy U

[Diane]

Years ago I had a dc boy who was getting beat up by a bully just about every night after school. He'd wait behind a bus until D---n passed and he'd jump out and beat him up. It wasn't until I noticed his ankles/legs all bruised and asked him what he was doing to get so many bruises. He said nothing... (was taught to deal with it) but the rest of the dck's told. The next day I told the kids I'd be at the school waiting for them. I told them to ignore me, not say a word and I'd follow close behind. Sure as heck they got so far and out jumped this kid. Knocked D---n down to the ground and started kicking him. I went behind and took him by the back of the jacket and pulled him up/away from D---n. I got in his face and asked him if he wanted to accompany me to the principals office to call his parents so we could have a little talk about what he was doing OR... was he going to knock it off and leave D---n and the rest of my kids alone? He apologized over and over as he walked (ran) away. I told him that if I ever heard from the kids that he was doing ANYthing to annoy them again... he'd be seeing me again. I'm not too sure if I handled it the right way... I'd probably get into trouble now adays for doing what I did but... it did nip it in the bud. What's so funny was that when D---n and this boy got into high school they became pretty good friends. I'd see him once in a while and he'd just look at me. LOL By this time he was much bigger/taller than I was.

Another time when dd #3 was in Jr. High, some girl started pushing her arond after school one night. Kicked her in the stomach and got her a good one in the face. Dd called me crying... and I was SOOOOOOOOO mad. I didn't have my driver's license at the time and walked (ran) over a mile to get to the school to confront the little angel. When I saw how awful my dd looked I was inferiated. After I got done talking to her dd never had any more problems with her. I called the principal the next day and he called her and her parents in and came up with the lame excuse that this girl was "going through a lot" at home (parents divorcing) and that was her way of handling it. I felt bad for what she was going through at home... but that had nothing to do with my dd and she didn't deserve getting what she got.

Anyway... sometimes you might have to help/defend your child. These bullies need to know that if they're bullying... they choose the wrong child to bully because I'm just not going to put up with it. That and I'm sure if these childrens parents knew what they were doing... they'd be appauled. Maybe you could call/talk with them?

Sorry for going on but... unfortunately my children have been through it once or twice. LOL

Diane...

[Mickey]

Ds isn't experiencing anything like this right now, but I think I'll tell him what the rest of you guys tell your kids--that he can hit back if he tries to resolve it with an adult to no avail.

I have stepped in, too, Diane. I try to let it play itself out, but if kids are behaving inappropriately (verbally or physically), I tell them off if their parents aren't around.

Edited to add: That sounded like I was being sneaky..."if their parents aren't around"! LOL! If the parents are there, I'd tell them so they can deal with their child's bad behavior, but if they're not around, I will handle it.

[AnnW]

It's a tough issue when they are in school. Most schools have a zero tolerance to bullying, but will not get into 'who started it' so if there is a fight, both kids are usually suspended. In the case of any bullying, it is so important to tell and authority figure first and see if it can be resolved. Learning to walk away and not accepting the role of victim is also important, especially in the area of verbal bullying.

[Toby]

It's a tough issue when they are in school. Most schools have a zero tolerance to bullying, but will not get into 'who started it' so if there is a fight, both kids are usually suspended. In the case of any bullying, it is so important to tell and authority figure first and see if it can be resolved. Learning to walk away and not accepting the role of victim is also important, especially in the area of verbal bullying.

My daughter was victimized by a bully for years at the local school and we tryed everthing to try to come to terms with the problem. The principal rightly told us that bullying is taught at home and we soon realized that he was just as unable to stop the situation as we were. He tried reaching out to the family,suspended the child, teacher parent/principal interventions, recommended councilling, inhouse teacher aid for the bully, the works only to be laughed off and ignored. I protected my daughter as much as I could, reported all instances and enforced the no hitting back rule. My daughter was given no extra resources or offered no additional help and we as a family sat back and wondered what our next move was going to be.
Finally after the school could not reach this family I confronted the mother in as positive way as possible. It was difficult and from that day on i have stopped all communication with this family. This may sound harsh but was the final answer. From that point on we have had no problems with them as we have nothing to do with them, no social contact.(including coaching my daughter how to find alternative activities away from the bully) I think what was needed was for the family to realize that thier social status was being effected, there reputation damaged due to the conduct of thier children, thier parenting style was being questioned. It worked and my daughter developed a great sense as to who to trust and choses her friends based on how she is being treated not how she feels she must fit in. We learned that not all children will get along and over time the child hood injures of hurt feeling and the occasional bruise and bump make the kids stronger for the tough future life lessons they must learn. The final lesson for me was to find a positive approach and to curb my anger with clear thinking. Not to seek revenge was primary and to focus on what my kid needed and could achieve. And to keep my head up when others doubted you. Its hard to fight a bully but it can be done.
Cheers Toby

[Pass the Pesto]

We don't hit in our house, not even for play. We teach Kailey, and I teach the children in my class, that hitting is never ok, not for any reason. As adults we are not allowed to hit other adults, even if we get hit first. Dr. Laura is an idiot.

My coworker's daughters are in my A.S. class and one day while on our swimming field trip, her younger dd was being dunked by one of the boys. She would get dunked, come up for air, turn, push the boy and run away, asking to be chased. if the boy wouldn't chase her, she would go back and taunt him. Thus beginning the chase again. Long story short, she went home and that night told her parents that a boy kept dunking her. her daddy tolder the oldest girl that if he bothered the younger one again to punch him. My coworker came back the next day and told me this. i said, if your daughter hits anyone in my class SHE will not be going swimming the next time.

She was flabbergasted. I said, she can come tell ME and I will take care of it. If the boy dunks her again HE will not be going swimming.

And once again, as adults we cannot hit others without consequences and we should be raising our children in the same fashion.

Hitting back is childish and immature. It reaks of juvenile hall (and I still feel this way after being bullied relentlessly as a child).