Organizing suggestions

[Linda/NE]

I am at a total loss with my house right now. It's a total mess!! NO one will vacuum or sweep or dust if I don't do it. The kids don't seem to understand the concept of picking up behind themselves. They have assigned chores (laundry, trash, dishes) but when asked or reminded about them it's always "That's not my job" or " I cleaned up my stuff, that's someone else's"

I want to take a week off work, ship my kids out of town somewhere and just scrub down this place from top to bottom. In listening to you describe your houses and the remodeling things you do, I am so envious.

How do those of you that work full time, still find time to keep a clean house AND enjoy fun times with your family?? I'm so stressed right now I have no motivation to do anything!

[Diane]

My kids either did it or they didn't get anything or go anywhere. They are part of the family... they have chores. If they decide not to do them that's their choice to sit and do nothing. No extra's... no nothing. I'd even consider making them make their own dinner/do their own laundry. I can't remember how old your kids are, but if they're old enough to open up a can of soup and/or make a sandwich, than that's what they would eat. (of course they'd have to clean up after themselves) The thing is... if you keep doing it, they will continue not to because they know you will. Stand firm and pretty soon they'll realize you mean business. Good luck...

Diane...

[Kate]

LINDA, I can so relate to what you're saying!!! Sounds a lot like my house. My two eldest are teenagers, so anything I try to enforce is met with a lot of backchat- especially my dd- so often it's a battle of wills, and I find it very draining and energy-sapping. I'm just biding my time till they grow up and leave, lol. So, I do sympathise with you- and just remember, you're not alone! I will be interested to hear what others suggest also.

DIANE, what you suggest makes sense, and I have tried things along those lines, but they don't seem to work for us long term, because the atmosphere in the house is terrible when teenagers get highly annoyed, so they find more ways to annoy parents and it leads to more tension. I tend to do things myself to try and keep my sanity. Probably I'm wrong to do that though, lol

[Kate]

OH, I forgot to mention my 8yo ds is a dream. He usually does what he's asked without a fuss, and is generally so happy and polite. I hope he stays like that when he becomes a teenager. He puts his things away, and sets the table for dinner etc... because he likes to be helpful- that's what he tells me! So maybe it's all in whatever their personality is?

[PamE]

I agree with Diane! You need to have consequences when they don't do their chores. If there are no consequences for not doing them... why bother to do them at all?! One consequence I've heard of is if they don't work, they don't eat. If they haven't completed their chores by dinner time, they don't eat with the rest of the family until they're done. It may sound harsh, but it won't take too long for them to catch on, if you're consistent in following through. If it means they miss a meal because of schedule conflicts (gotta eat and run to the game, etc), they'll be even more eager to get to their chores the next day.

In the past I've picked up the kid's things (things they should have picked up themselves) and put them in "storage". The kids had one week to buy back their belongings or lose them to Goodwill. The nice thing about that (for me, not them) was they "bought" their items back with chores. One chore = one item retrieved. Made for a neater, cleaner house, especially when a lot of the stuff wasn't worth a chore to them. Easy decluttering, lol!

How you handle it depends on how fast you want/need to see results. It's a frustrating situation, especially when you work outside the home. You shouldn't be the one pulling all the weight at home!

[Toby]

Remember the grass is never greener on the other side. Maybe others seem to have there stuff together and your nieghbours home looks clean and tidy, but i bet they pay to have alot done around the house. Pace yourself and feel blessed your kids are healthy and happy, these two features are more important than a "clean" house.

P.S. I ship my family away for a long weekend once a summer. I get them out of the house do the really hard cleaning then have a Sunday brunch get-together with a group of friends. (Drinks, food, laughter, and no stress from kid and family). It feels great to get the hard work done and cap the weekend off with a bit of fun! Its an annual event and others have caught on to the idea. Great to have a few good times after cleaning...try it!
Cheers
Toby

[Melody]

Since they refuse to recognize what chores are assigned to them why not make a chart. Post it on the frige so everyone can see it. Tell them at a certain point in the day you will go around with that list (same time every day) and what's not done will be noted and who ever didn't do what they should have loses out on something be it a bike ride, going to friends, playing a game or whatever. If they refuse to do what you are asking them after 2 or 3 days then go into their bedroom and start by taking away their favorite thing, wether it's a book, cd (better yet, the whole player) or game. They can have it back when they start moving their butt. Play hardball and soon they will catch on.

[Diane]

LINDA, I can so relate to what you're saying!!! Sounds a lot like my house. My two eldest are teenagers, so anything I try to enforce is met with a lot of backchat- especially my dd- so often it's a battle of wills, and I find it very draining and energy-sapping. I'm just biding my time till they grow up and leave, lol. So, I do sympathise with you- and just remember, you're not alone! I will be interested to hear what others suggest also.

DIANE, what you suggest makes sense, and I have tried things along those lines, but they don't seem to work for us long term, because the atmosphere in the house is terrible when teenagers get highly annoyed, so they find more ways to annoy parents and it leads to more tension. I tend to do things myself to try and keep my sanity. Probably I'm wrong to do that though, lol

I'm stubborn... and I can be just as bad/terrible to be around if they don't do as I ask. I think they'd rather do it than put up with the attitude I can give them, plus the fact that I would care less if they were mad at me or not. It's YOUR house... your rules, and they need to know you mean what you say (can't give in) or it won't last. I never asked/told them what to do in a disrespectful way... and they knew better than to lip off. (I'm sure they probably thought it though... LOL) Once in a while I'd surprise them by cleaning their bedroom for them when/if they were gone for the weekend or something, but they knew that I'd expect it to stay that way for a while. Maybe I'm a major b!tch, but when I was a kid I never got away with leaving my stuff laying around anywhere, I knew better. My kids aren't perfect... but they're pretty good about picking up after themselves.

Diane...

[angie r]

My neighbor took everything out of her kids rooms and took it into her room. Every night if they had done as they were told/finished their chores with love and without complaining, they could earn things back. She even took their pillows.

She only had to do it once, and now the threat is enough. The threat is enough for my kids knowing what happened to them too!

[PamE]

My neighbor took everything out of her kids rooms and took it into her room. Every night if they had done as they were told/finished their chores with love and without complaining, they could earn things back. She even took their pillows.

I've been tempted to do that with my girl's clothes! They get pretty bad now and then about getting their clothes to the hamper. If it happens again I'm leaving them with two complete outfits and one nightshirt for two weeks. It will be their responsibility to see that they wash their clothes in the evenings.

I'm stubborn... and I can be just as bad/terrible to be around if they don't do as I ask. I think they'd rather do it than put up with the attitude I can give them, plus the fact that I would care less if they were mad at me or not.

I'm the same way!

[Linda/NE]

Thanks for the replies.

My kids are 15, 13, 10, 8, & 7. I've really been feeling like I'm expecting too much of them. They really are on their own a lot, especially during the summer. The older boys trade off mowing the lawn, taking out trash and washing the laundry. My 10 yr. old either washes laundry or folds it. The youngest 2 clear out the dishwasher, set the table, and clear the table after meals. These are their assigned jobs, that doesn't mean they always do them. The youngest 2 probably do their jobs the most consistently even though it may take them an hour! I've tried taking things away. Since I'm not home alot it's hard to find things to take away that I can monitor. Right now there's swimming and playing with friends at daycare. During the cold months it's harder.
Dh's idea is giving them until so long and then he's going to bag up all the stuff laying around and burn it. ( He did it years ago with the older boys' stuff.)

I remember when I was growing up we'd wake up on a Saturday morning with a list of jobs to do like empty trash cans, dust living room, sweep kitchen floor, etc. Everybody did the things on their list and the house was done. We never thought of complaining about it not being our job or we didn't make the mess. I just wish I would have known how to instill these same ethics in my kids. To me it seems so clear that if everyone would just clean up a certain room or area we'd have it done in no time. No one else sees it that way.

[MaryL]

I'm very "matter-of-fact" about my dks chores. There are no "options". I have a list/card for each day of the week (during the summer). My dks know that there is no "electronics" allowed (computer, game boy, etc.) until after the "list" is completed for the day. Also...t.v. must be turned off at 9:00 a.m.-3:00 p.m. So, for today the list read:

make beds/straighten rooms (both)
vacuum living room (ds1)
vacuum stairs (ds2)
clean downstairs bathroom (ds1) (using a wet wipe (clorox, etc)
clean upstairs bathroom (ds2)
read one chapter from a book (both)

That's it. I make it very reasonable and manageable...yet it helps me get the household stuff done. The Tuesday list is different...it includes dusting the living room (ds1), and dusting the loft/office (ds2)...and practicing their musical instruments for 20 minutes. Each day of the week includes the making beds statement, and the read one chapter from a book. Doing it this way ensures that my bathrooms are wiped down 3 times a week...and the main rooms are vacuumed twice a week. There are no cards for Sat/Sun. On Mondays, they just start over. My cards are simply 5 index cards held together with a metal ring. Does this make sense?

Because I'm not asking for their whole day, they don't have any problems completing their chores. They know exactly what is expected...and as soon as they are done, the rest of the day is essentially theirs. The longer they "drag" out the chores...they are only penalizing themselves. If ds1 has an early morning activity, he just does the "list" when he gets home (again, before he can do his "favorite" things...computer/game boy, or playing outside). I've done it this way for 3 years...and it works great for me.

[Kate]

I'm stubborn... and I can be just as bad/terrible to be around if they don't do as I ask. I think they'd rather do it than put up with the attitude I can give them, plus the fact that I would care less if they were mad at me or not. It's YOUR house... your rules, and they need to know you mean what you say (can't give in) or it won't last. I never asked/told them what to do in a disrespectful way... and they knew better than to lip off. (I'm sure they probably thought it though... LOL) Once in a while I'd surprise them by cleaning their bedroom for them when/if they were gone for the weekend or something, but they knew that I'd expect it to stay that way for a while. Maybe I'm a major b!tch, but when I was a kid I never got away with leaving my stuff laying around anywhere, I knew better. My kids aren't perfect... but they're pretty good about picking up after themselves.

Diane...

Diane- Do you do house-calls like Super Nanny? You could come round our house and straighten my kids out for me, lol. I have to admit that when I wrote my post yesterday I was in a bad mood and a bit of PMS thrown in as well. To be fair, my dks are pretty good really- it's more just sometimes I have major problems with getting them to pull their weight, and I have to remember they ARE kids after all. Heck, sometimes I don't feel like doing what I know I have to do either. I must say, last night ds1 actually helped me clean up after dinner WITHOUT BEING ASKED! And he willingly set our fire up 2 days running with out grumbling. And my dd is in her last year of highschool, and does study a lot, and lets the stress get to her at times, and argues with me about chores. I felt terrible all night that I had given the impression my dks were lazy and argumentative and it wasn't fair. MOST of the time they are fine........just sometimes they can have their "moments". Ok, end of rant. If you're still reading, thanks for listening.

[KarlaB]

In the past I've picked up the kid's things (things they should have picked up themselves) and put them in "storage". The kids had one week to buy back their belongings or lose them to Goodwill. The nice thing about that (for me, not them) was they "bought" their items back with chores. One chore = one item retrieved. Made for a neater, cleaner house, especially when a lot of the stuff wasn't worth a chore to them. Easy decluttering, lol!

I LOVE this idea!!!!! Now if I can just put it to work (successfully) here!