Shelly needs opinions... please?

[Diane]

Okay... Shelly has a bit of a delima and would like opinions. She doesn't want to sound ungrateful for everything everyone is doing for her but at the same time doesn't want her wedding taken over by anyone. So... I'm sharing the e-mail she sent to me. Tell me what you think she should/shouldn't do/say? I've got my opinion... but for now I feel it's better to keep it to myself. What do you think?


MOM...
Okay... so we had a little get-together thing with Andrew, Jason, Bob's aunt Laura, aunt Leona and uncle Dave on Saturday. I was requested to come that day to help plan their part of the wedding shower. First off, I didn't think that I was supposed to help plan any of this. I figured it would be just some random things... until I get the full-fledged detailed interrogation of the day. It all just seems so tacky to me as to how they are doing this but I'm not going to complain, and I'm not going to say anything to Bob because it's his family... but OH MY GOD!!!! We're eating sloppy joes!! VERY weird. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE sloppy joes and everything, but at a bridal shower??? Then came the invites... regular ones from target, which is perfectly fine... until we start wording the invitations as a bridal shower for "Bob F***x and Shelly" ... not Bob F***x and Shelly P****o... not Bob and Shelly... but "Bob F***x and Shelly" - Okay... did I lose my last name somewhere??? She then asked if I wanted to have my last name on them... I said yes, had her spell it on a piece of paper and everything... she NEVER ONCE put my last name on them. After that, she had her four year old niece put all the address labels on the front... VERY crooked too... It drove me NUTS!!!

Then they started making suggestions/requests for the dance and attire of certain people. They want Bob to ask his grandpa who is in a wheelchair to get fitted and wear a tux for the wedding. Then they requested that because it is his grandparents 61st anniversary on May 1st, that we do something special for them... that seemed fine by me... until they started to request this... for the 1st dance at the reception, it would be me and Bob. Then after THAT, we would acknowledge his grandparents 61st anniversary by announcing it to everyone and having a special dance just for them. (I do remind you that he IS in a wheelchair, and it may be hard for him to do this.) Halfway through the song, or the song AFTER this, they want to have all the F***x aunts and uncles join them. (This would be the grandparents kids... just the ones that are having the anniversary.) My imagination, or is this a little too one sided??? It just doesn't sit right with me.... none of it. If I'm just being a control freak?? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me!!!

[Melody]

OMG Poor Shelly! I know I would feel the same.
Is there going to be any other food served at the shower? I agree, wierd! No other way to put it. lol As far as having her in on the whole thing, not sure what to think? I was never included in any of the shower plans and it was all one nice surprise. The invites, I think it was rude to not include her last name after not only asking her if that is what she wanted but to even get the correct spelling. I would let the part go on the labels, no one will remember it down the road especially if they hear that adorable, 4 yr old so and so put them on, it'll just be a 'how cute she helped' thing.
Why are they all trying to dictate how the dance is going to be? That would be the really big kicker for me! It should be how the bride/groom want the dance orders to go and not how relatives would like to see so and so honored. Guess they are forgetting who's wedding it is! Does Grandpa know he is to be outfitted for a tux? Is it a lot of money for him and who's idea and who's wallet is that coming out of? This could be a suggestion by cousin X who thinks that Bob and Shelly should pay for it. Check! And how does he feel about wheeling around on the dance floor with his wife? Even if it was a song dedication later in the night and not right after the bride/groom dancing, they may not want to dance because he is in a wheelchair. Some people are comfortable and some are not.
I don't think Shelly is being a control freak, I think the relatives already have too much say! jmo Good luck.

[Amy]

I could almost forgive all the weirdness about the shower, but them dictating how their wedding should be is crossing the line. It sounds as if they are trying to squeeze in a 2 for 1 party by adding the anniversary thing on it. It is nice that they want it mentioned, but by no means should it be right up there after their first dance. I say get all the wedding dances over with and then maybe after cake, mention the grandparents anniversary and the dance for that then. This is THEIR special day and the focus is on THEIR wedding and everyone else's needs can be prioritzed after that.

[littlesista06]

Is there going to be a wedding coordinator? If so, she can dictate which dance will come when and can be a lot of help in keeping the wedding all about Shelly & Bob.
If not.... get one!

[angie r]

ITA with Amy and Mel, the wedding coordinator (if they have one) can be the "bad guy." I don't know how on earth Bob is going to tell his family not to do it though. I am so sorry, she (and you) are not being controlling, that is totally bizarre!

[JAK]

Honestly, the sloppy joes and the invited with the not perfect labels wouldn't bother me too much. I personally would not serve sloppy joes at a shower, but maybe in Bob's family sloppy joes are the greatest thing on earth and they are always served at parties, who knows? As for the labels, no one is going to think Shelly put them on there so who really cares if they are crooked. LOL

I think it's odd that they didn't include Shelly's last name on the invites as it might be easier to look them up where they are registered. Are these invites only going to Bob's family? If not, then someone might be confused if they know Shelly and not Bob and there is no last name to clarify which Shelly (as it's not that uncommon of a name.) (Did that make any sense? it's late and I'm tired)

I agree that maybe they are trying to kill 2 birds with one stone with the anniversary thing, but dictating to a bride and groom who is dancing and when is wrong. (I know we've had this discussion before because of Bob's family situation) It's the bride and groom's wedding. They should be the ones who decide when and who will be dancing if a particular dance is going to be a "special" dance and in the spotlight. If the grandpa is in a wheelchair he may not even want to "dance". What does Bob think about the dance and grandpa wearing a tux?

[AnnW]

I think she is nitpicking over the shower. They are hosting, it will reflect on them, so let it go. Frankly, down here, it's considered bad taste for anyone in the bride or groom's direct family to host anything but the wedding and/or rehearsal dinner.
I think she should do the order of the dance the way she wants to have it done. And then most definitely acknowledge the anniversary afterwards. She can phrase it to the mother in law to be something like 'i think it's a fantastic idea to acknowledge their anniversary. Why not have a special dance just for them after we get all the traditional dances out of the way. We wouldn't want their anniversary to get muddled in with all the traditional dances. It's so special it needs to stand out on it's own. We can have the DJ announce their anniversary, and then if grandpa feels up to dancing he can decide then, if he doesn't everyone will still have the opportunity to applaud them.'

[Mickey]

I think she needs to take control of the things that are important to her (the dances and the order of them) and let go of the shower stuff that she's not supposed to be involved with. It seems that the lines are blurred here--people are involved where they shouldn't be involved on both sides.

I'd tell Shelley to get with Bob and make decisions about the things that are important to them. And I'd tell the shower organizers to do whatever they want to do and be done with it--if they put just her first name on the invitations and serve sloppy joes, oh well. But having all the dances for all his relatives is something they need to nip in the bud before it gets discussed with grandpa and everyone else. I would even suggest to Shelley that she doesn't have to omit the dance for the grandparents--that when the DJ plays the first slow song set (after all the traditional wedding dances, after the first fast dance set and when the music winds down again), have the DJ ask everyone to clear the floor and then he can make the announcement for the grandparents to dance alone and then let others join in.

[Diane]

IMO Shelly never should have been included in any conversation concerning her shower. Her only part of it should be to show up and have a good time. If Bob's last name was included on the invitation... her last name should also have been included on the invitation. By eliminating it, it made her look like she wasn't as important as Bob.

IMO sloppy joe's are a very strange thing to serve for a shower... too messy, (sloppy ) but I'm not the one hosting it so it's not my meal to plan. If I was, sloppy joe's would definitely not be on my menu. This is only for his side of the family, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Like Ann said, they're hosting, and it will reflect on them, not her. Crooked lables... I guess Shelly/I are more picky than that, sending them out like that would have driven me crazy. Seeinig they all know/love this little girl, they'll probably look at it as being cute. LOL

My feelings are that this is Shelly and Bob's day... it should be all about them, not anyone else, and they shouldn't have to share their day with anyone. That being said... They don't mind the acknowledgement of Bob's grandparents 61st wedding anniversary at the reception, but... they didn't like/appreciate being TOLD that this is what they're going to do, when, and in what order it's going to be done. I think they felt as if all the hard work they put into planning their wedding was suddenly being taken away from them, which wasn't appreciated.

Anyway... Shelly talked with Bob and he also felt they (his family) were taking over a little too much too, (and making it all about them) so at least they're on the same page. I guess he's going to talk with his dad about it. Hopefully soon, before any tux's are rented for grandpa. LOL I'm not too sure if "grandpa" even knows anything about these big plans... if he'd want to dance, or if he even wants or can even afford to rent a tux, which he doesn't even belong wearing because he's a guest and not a part of the wedding party. I can't believe the balls of some people just taking over like this... and assuming that everyone is going to be okay with it.

At least they're lucky that they're not having to deal with us trying to take things over. It's their wedding and it will be done exactly the way they want it done. Hopefully they'll get through this without anyone's feelings being hurt, but if they are... oh well. Better them than Shelly and Bob ending up with bad memories of their day.

[Diane]

I agree that maybe they are trying to kill 2 birds with one stone with the anniversary thing,

Exactly... my feelings are that if they want a party/celebration that is all about them, (grandma/pa) then they should host their own special party. (One that dh and I aren't paying for... LOL)

[Diane]

It seems that the lines are blurred here--people are involved where they shouldn't be involved on both sides.

Not meaning to be mean/rude... but both sides? Dh and I have made sure not to include/involve ourselves where we shouldn't be included/volved. This is Shelly/Bob's wedding and their's to plan, their way. Were just writing out the checks...

I'd tell Shelley to get with Bob and make decisions about the things that are important to them. And I'd tell the shower organizers to do whatever they want to do and be done with it--if they put just her first name on the invitations and serve sloppy joes, oh well. But having all the dances for all his relatives is something they need to nip in the bud before it gets discussed with grandpa and everyone else. I would even suggest to Shelly that she doesn't have to omit the dance for the grandparents--that when the DJ plays the first slow song set (after all the traditional wedding dances, after the first fast dance set and when the music winds down again), have the DJ ask everyone to clear the floor and then he can make the announcement for the grandparents to dance alone and then let others join in.

I totally agree... great advice!

Thanks everyone!

[Diane]

Is there going to be a wedding coordinator? If so, she can dictate which dance will come when and can be a lot of help in keeping the wedding all about Shelly & Bob.
If not.... get one!

Nope, no wedding coordinator...

[Mickey]

Not meaning to be mean/rude... but both sides? Dh and I have made sure not to include/involve ourselves where we shouldn't be included/volved. This is Shelly/Bob's wedding and their's to plan, their way. Were just writing out the checks...

I was actually meaning both sides as in Shelley being included in the shower plans and them making plans for the wedding. IMO, when Shelley was invited to the meeting to discuss the shower, she should have declined. I'm glad Bob is speaking up about the dancing.

(No offense, but if I were Shelley, I think I'd elope!)

[RCT]

I think being involved in your own shower is more common these days.
I don't think I would even bother getting twisted about the shower plans. She should just go and enjoy the people who are there. Sometimes it is what it is. JMHO

As for the anniversary acknowledgement and dance, I agree with Ann, what she said was so well worded. Have Shelly practice saying it....and I would make sure that her husband to be is on the same page as her.

How frustrating for your dd.

[Diane]

I was actually meaning both sides as in Shelley being included in the shower plans and them making plans for the wedding. IMO, when Shelley was invited to the meeting to discuss the shower, she should have declined. I'm glad Bob is speaking up about the dancing.

(No offense, but if I were Shelley, I think I'd elope!)

from shelly...

I just read that last post on the idea box from Mickey... tell her I laughed... that was too funny!!! (The part about if she were me... she'd elope!) I needed that!