Help me puzzle something through.

[AnnW]

DD is having a rough school year. Alot of it her doing..making some bad choices. Her grades have been all over the place. She is very social and gets very distracted. They sit in groups at her school and we recently moved her to a desk by herself. They are allowed to visit after they finish their work and she was rushing through to be able to finish. She is doing better now that we moved her.
She seems to put herself in the middle of every single drama and involve herself in things that don't really involve her. This consequently makes some of her girl friendships very volatile. She has also gotten a reputation as a slacker with her teachers and a trouble maker. Since this is a small school, you are very well known. That can be good and bad.
We are thinking about transferring her to another middle school in our district (not a charter, like her current school). She knows quite a few kids from church, dance club ect already. Academically, it is as good but it definitely much larger. It teaches more in the style of the high school. DD's school is more of a GT/hands on/group project type school, and she does do well with that method.
I am just torn. I am frankly ready for her to be back in our neighborhood. I am just finding that alot of the kids she has become friends with have a different value system (or their parents do). I realize that there will be kids like that at this school, but by being in the neighborhood, i have a better chance of knowing the parents or at least knowing someone who knows the parents. It's also harder to do things after school cause her friends at the current school tend to live farther. I hate to be judgmental but I just feel like she isn't making good quality friendships. The upside to that is very few of them would be going to her high school. But of course, she seems to be attracted to the lowest common denominator so would she make good friends at the new school?

Pros to current school
small environment
know dd well
she's is very comfortable there and does have friends.
strong academics

Cons to current school
might be a harder transition into high school
being labeled
out of our neighborhood.
will go to high school with very few of her current friends (well, that could be on the pro list too! LOL)

Pros to moving
fresh start
all classmates will go to same high school
in the neighborhood
taught in same style as high school
might make for an easier transition to high school

Cons to moving
is it running away?
not quite as strong academically
she can't go back to old school if it doesn't work out
larger school, may not have the hands on teaching she is used to.
will need to learn to work more independently.


i am just so torn. any advice???

[Amy]

I guess it boils down to if the freedom she gets in charter is too much for her. Some children can't function in that environment because they can't self-regulate themselves. It sounds as if your dd has too much time on her hands and uses it to get involved in drama. The busier you can keep her, the better. LOL

In my dd's school, we are allowed to request teaching styles for placement. I always write a long letter to the counselor stating she needs to be on a team that is highly organized and strict. Dd wouldn't be able to regulate her behavior/homework on her own at this time without having these social blockers in place. lol

Edited to add: Is she on an IEP? I vaguely remember her having one for possible ADD?

[AnnW]

you don't have that much flexibility in regular middle school, but the adminstration welcomes all communication.
no, IEP, she was never diagnosed. we always had an unwritten agreement on accomodations for her. that's another benefit of her current school, not as bound by the 'rules'.
we have thought about testing her again, but she is the type of person who would purposely tank the test. she loves the individual treatment! LOL except for the fact that i couldn't and don't want to, she would probably do good with homeschooling. it would certainly cut down on the drama but she wouldn't learn to work through all that either.

[angie r]

The ADD testing we did the student doesn't take a test, the parents and teacher and other heavily involved individuals do. It's called the Conner's test. She may benefit from the meds, but I'd be really careful about that. In my dd's case we don't have an IEP but involving the teacher's and counselor she gets what she needs, but, we are still in elementary school where the parent still plays a big role in education.

That's a tough decision to make (((Ann)))

[AnnW]

i meant testing in the general since on ADD, but for LD's they test her. she was included in the ADD evaluation too, maybe cause she is older?
we tried meds and they didn't work. she begged to be taken off them, they made her really weepy.

she definitely does better with a nurturing teacher rather than a by the book, strict one.

[angie r]

i meant testing in the general since on ADD, but for LD's they test her. she was included in the ADD evaluation too, maybe cause she is older?
we tried meds and they didn't work. she begged to be taken off them, they made her really weepy.

she definitely does better with a nurturing teacher rather than a by the book, strict one.

That is so interesting because the ADD meds made my daughter less weepy, lol.

[Amy]

she definitely does better with a nurturing teacher rather than a by the book, strict one.

My dd's teachers have to have high expectations of dd AND be nuturing. Think I ask a lot for her placement? This year was fantastic for dd compared to last year (when I didn't say anything).

What do you think is at the root of your dd's issues at school? Personality trait? hormones? insecurity/need for attention? Once you can find that, the school setting won't matter much. You will just have to supplement to support that deficit. Would you consider counseling for her?

[Mickey]

She sounds a lot like my ds.

I understand the whole "needing to work through it" thing, but I think they need to be set up for success while learning, too. It sounds to me like the current school is a good fit for her. Can you have a meeting with the school to try to match her to a teacher who will work with her more positively next year? I know that when my ds was at the Montessori school, the one teacher did not like him--he rocked her world and messed with her happy little classroom. But the other teacher LOVED him--saw him as being full of life and enjoyed working with him (and since she seemed to "get" him, he would do whatever she wanted him to do).

Is that an option for you, though--trying to match her with a suitable teacher?

When kids have strong personalities I think having a teacher who obviously enjoys kids like that is especially important.

[AnnW]

What do you think is at the root of your dd's issues at school? Personality trait? hormones? insecurity/need for attention?

yes.


we have talked about counseling but you have to remember this is a child who conned a counselor into believing a grandparent had died when she was 4!!!!

She sounds a lot like my ds.

I understand the whole "needing to work through it" thing, but I think they need to be set up for success while learning, too. It sounds to me like the current school is a good fit for her. Can you have a meeting with the school to try to match her to a teacher who will work with her more positively next year? I know that when my ds was at the Montessori school, the one teacher did not like him--he rocked her world and messed with her happy little classroom. But the other teacher LOVED him--saw him as being full of life and enjoyed working with him (and since she seemed to "get" him, he would do whatever she wanted him to do).

Is that an option for you, though--trying to match her with a suitable teacher?

When kids have strong personalities I think having a teacher who obviously enjoys kids like that is especially important.

she will have new teachers next year, but there are only 2 sets of teachers so not a big choice.

she has always been high maintenance, but in elementary school you have the ability to 'interfere' more. LOL
i can definitely have open communication with either school (well as much as the teachers let me) so that's not an issue.
i just wonder sometimes if she has come to rely on the one on one treatment to the point it is hurting her.

[Amy]

i just wonder sometimes if she has come to rely on the one on one treatment to the point it is hurting her.

That is not unlike my fear of putting ds on meds when we thought he had ADHD. I was always fearful that he would become too reliant on it in order to learn. And if he ever got off, then he wouldn't know how to function.


I would consider counseling again. When I started with ds, he talked with me first to give him some insight. I don't think she could snow someone if everyone is on to her. LOL It just sounds as if she got some crazy emotions running through her that she just can't sort out or get a handle on before another one comes through. I always told my dd, that if there is ever a time when things feel out of control for her and if I fail to help her through it, I would be calling a counselor. I say nip it in the bud before it becomes a dysfunctional building block in her persona.

[Mickey]

...i just wonder sometimes if she has come to rely on the one on one treatment to the point it is hurting her.

It's hard to know where that line is. I have struggled with trying to determine where "choosing my battles" ends and and being permissive begins. You want them to do well and enjoy learning, but they also need to know that the world won't accommodate them when they're adults--that sometimes you will have a boss you hate or a coworker who makes your life miserable. They need to learn how to figure those things out.

So, were we helpful?

[AnnW]

It's hard to know where that line is. I have struggled with trying to determine where "choosing my battles" ends and and being permissive begins. You want them to do well and enjoy learning, but they also need to know that the world won't accommodate them when they're adults--that sometimes you will have a boss you hate or a coworker who makes your life miserable. They need to learn how to figure those things out.

So, were we helpful?

LOL
that's pretty much why we decided not to put her in the charter high school. the only thing it had going for it was that it was smaller.
we feel like it comes a point in time (especially with someone who can be self centered) that you learn the world doesn't just accomodate you...but at what age?

[Mickey]

...we feel like it comes a point in time (especially with someone who can be self centered) that you learn the world doesn't just accomodate you...but at what age?

I agree and I have no idea when that should happen. I would imagine that it should gradually happen over time, but I also think that every kid "gets it" at a different age (and some obviously never get it as I know many adults who are like that ). Wish I had the answer.

[AnnW]

Wish I had the answer.

well, damnit, why don't you!!! LOL
i swear every time i make a decision to go one way, i think of another reason not to.


hell, i am even using smilies..you can tell how distracted i am! LOL

[Cathy]

Hope you figure out what to do, Ann.

You know that (AGAIN) there isn't a "right" answer. (((Ann)))