Feeling Very Sad

[Mickey]

I have known in my heart for a very long time that it's very likely that MB has ADHD. We've always called it "spiritedness". But I've read many books on the subject and over the years, when he would say he doesn't like being the way he is, I've tried various alternative things like biofeedback, diet changes (not severe, but eliminating various things for a while with no changes), herbal supplements, vitamins, fish oil, amino acids, Ayurvedic remedies, etc. I didn't try these things one after another, but when he would get frustrated and say he doesn't want to be this way. Nothing we tried worked.

I've tried hard over the years to find an effective way to parent him--I do realize that I could be better at some things (like giving him too many chances to turn it around and occasionally not sticking to a severe consequence when he would cry and feel remorseful and try to make up for his behavior). And I learned early on to choose my battles because I'd be battling non-stop with him otherwise. But my being easier on him than I should at times should not result in this--so that doesn't explain why he's like this, although it's hard not to blame myself to some extent.

Well, now we're about to start puberty and I don't know if the hormones coupled with the ADHD symptoms are making things worse or what, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to discuss this with his pediatrician.

I'm so sad. I feel like I've let him down. I have read things telling me that if I do this, this, and that, he won't need medication and will be fine. I feel like I haven't done a good enough job with him. That if I could have just been strict with the diet or been more regimented with him or tried some other alternative (like vision therapy or some other naturopathic remedy), I could have helped him.

I am very worried about the long-term effects of medication. I have resisted a diagnosis because medication wasn't an option in the past, but now that he's 12 (the age when most OTC drugs consider adult doses to be for people 12 and older) and he's really struggling with the impulsivity and attention issues and his self-esteem is really suffering, I feel like I have to consider meds.

He has a few close friends who understand him and have hung in there with him even when he's been impulsive with them (or others while they were present) and when he has blurted out things or shoved or had a meltdown in their presence, but it's definitely affecting relationships overall..

Now that he's 12, he can join a home school teen group this year--they do all kinds of fun things together (ice skating, sledding, bowling, skiing, goofy golfing, going to movies, etc.) and I think he would really like it, but he says he doesn't want to join. He claims he's not interested in doing group things--it's too overwhelming. But I think he's worried about possibly blurting out something or losing it with people who don't understand him and won't be forgiving like others in his life have been. And I explained that this group has high expectations of the kids--you can't misbehave or be inappropriate or they won't let you be a part of the group any more. I think he's also afraid of that--getting rejected and kicked out of the group.

I know in my heart that I need to do something, but when I do internet searches on ADHD, there are so many sites that go on about the dangers of medications (while touting the great alternatives that I have not had success with). I am really scared about it. I want him to be happy and feel normal, though. He has point blank asked me to take him to the doctor to find out what's wrong with him (in those words).

Do any of you have kids on meds or are close to someone with a child on meds? If so, which one(s)? How do you feel about the meds? Did/do they help?

Thanks for any feedback on this.

[littlesista06]

Oh Mickey. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) While I do not have any first hand experience, I want to send you my hugs and support. And you have NOT failed him one iota! The fact that you tried to do what you thought best, and not burying your head in the sad and ignoring it, means you ARE a wonderful mother to him.
Hang in there!

[MaryL]

Well, firstly...{{{Mickey}}}...big hugs to you. I'm so sad that you're sad.

Yes...I know children who are on medication for ADD/ADHD.
Yes...it has helped them. I've seen very few side effects, and if there are any, those generally disappear when the dosage is adjusted. (I don't dispense the meds...so I can't come up with the names off the top of my head. I know that some kids are on a time release formula...and they only take it once a day. Some kids get a dose at lunch time.)

As a teacher, I am one of the people that often has to help diagnose ADHD in young children. I am definitely in the mind frame of the "lets give it a little time" type of people. However, when our options have been exhausted (modification plans, discipline plans, dietary changes, etc), then I recommend a visit with the child's pediatrician. Most parents are like you...you KNOW the answer. That's the powerful parental instinct at play. We had a first grader last year that began a medicine treatment for ADHD. He was a different child, nearly from day 1 of the meds. He could concentrate...he shouted out less often...he could comprehend stories. We can tell when he hasn't had his meds in the morning.

My friend has a high schooler who takes meds for his ADHD. His mom asked him what it's like to be on the medicine. He said it's like wearing glasses for the first time. The world is "fuzzy" when he's not on the meds, but when he is on them things seem clearer. He can think. Wow! Powerful information from a high schooler.

{{{Mickey}}} You are an amazing parent!!! You haven't failed him...you are his advocate. You've embraced his free spirit, and encouraged him to become the great kid that he is. If I hear you right, you aren't trying to break his spirit. You are simply trying to mold it a bit so that it will be more easy to work with. Is that such a bad thing?? I don't think so. Your same monkey boy will remain...he will just have the ability to focus and participate in his life...without being constantly bombarded with distractions.

[Beth/TX]

(((Mickey)))

Have you tried ambrotose made by mannatech? I've done some research on it regarding it's use for down symdrome. We just purchased some and I plan on starting Ava on it next week.

If I remember right, lots of people use it for ADD/ADHD too, and it has made some great changes for some. It is glyconutrients, and all natural.

From everything I've ever read about you and MB, there is no way you have let him down. I've always been very impressed with your parenting skills. Don't beat yourself up over it!

[PamE]

{{{Mickey}}} My heart aches for you. I know what it's like to not like the choices available. You are a great mom! You tried the natural route first, you tried behavior modification and training, you chose the hs'ing route instead of ps, etc. Just because those things weren't enough for your ds does not mean you are a bad mom. (Imagine where he would be right now had you not worked with him the way you have!) Imo, some of the sites that tout the "all natural" route are really good at magnifying (way out of proportion) the negatives of the meds. Internet medical research is notorious for scaring the daylights out of any reasonable person.

{{{HUGS}}} It may take a while to find the right meds and the right doses, but the benefits are so great. I like the explanation Mary shared about the difference it makes.

You've encouraged me so often with ds1, I'd love to be able to give some of that back. Explain your concerns to a doctor you can trust and hopefully you will find encouragement there as well.

[angie r]

DD takes Focaline for her ADD. I say ADD because she doesn't have the "H" part of ADHD. We tried several different meds before finding one we liked that didn't cause side effects.

My family is loaded with ADHD. My father, all 3 brothers, 4 nephews, one niece and my dd1.

Now, my youngest brother doesn't take medication, he's 38, he works in construction. His son who is 13 takes Adderall. He asks to take it because he knows he can control himself when he is on it. My older brother, 44, takes Ritalin. He is a partner in a worldwide commercial real estate brokerage. He only takes it when he has to be "in the office" focusing on a specific tasks. Every little voice, phone ringing, sound, will distract him from what he is doing. On the days when he is entertaining clients he does not take it as it makes his personality too laid back. His son, age 15, took strattera for years, no longer takes meds and has been able to keep his grades on track.

Your pediatrician will work with you. If he gets stomach aches or his personality goes flat, try something else. You don't have to lose his spirited personality to be able to find his self control. And, you don't have to use a med that he has to take everyday so he could just take it on those days he has group activities. I only give dd meds on school days. I just love dd's smile when she can stay focused on a task and complete it and I know that without her meds it would be a battle for her.

I know whatever you choose you will do it with the wonderful love and protection you have for your sweet boy! I know how hard it is. I hate medicating my kids, even ds with his asthma meds. (((Mickey)))

[AnnW]

first off..you didn't let him down. it's not like you blithely ignored the signs. you tried other options. so stop beating yourself up.

we always suspected that dd had ADHD. we did alot of behavior modification and stuff. puberty made it plainly clear that we needed to do more. she is on Strattera now and it's amazing the difference. she WANTS to take it. she can tell the difference. it helps tremendously with impulse control and attention. it's also not a stimulant so you don't have that issue. it has not changed anything that makes her herself. she isn't a zombie, not drugged.
she is the same child, just better able to control herself and focus.
if he had any other type of disease, you would not hesitate to treat it medically. this is also a disease.

[Amy]

You have gone through the gauntlet with me in searching for natural ways to treat our boys. Although my ds wasn't ultimately diagnosed with ADHD, he was offered meds for his preoccupation for picking scabs and other minor obsessive behaviors. Right now we are all waiting for puberty and how that will affect his autism. I am not against meds, but I am against them as the first alternative and you have proven it definitely wasn't the first alternative! I say you have to check out this route because it is damaging his self-esteem. You don't want him afraid to socialize and be around his peers. He can't be protected for the rest of his life (don't I know that!). In addition to meds, would you consider some sort of self-esteem based therapy?

[vea29]

I am not against meds, but I am against them as the first alternative and you have proven it definitely wasn't the first alternative! I say you have to check out this route because it is damaging his self-esteem. You don't want him afraid to socialize and be around his peers. He can't be protected for the rest of his life (don't I know that!). In addition to meds, would you consider some sort of self-esteem based therapy?

I agree with amy....This is just another route to check out. My only reamendation is to really try to give a med a chance.

Although my nephew has other issues...(bipolar). They were constantly "adjusting" his meds, changing to new ones, and things got really bad. But now at 16 he even with the right meds he now understands that he need to work on his temper and self esteem....

So I guess what I'm saying is The meds can help when done right but they don't replace Love, understanding, self esteem. They also need to be constantly reinforce.

I think it's great you tried all other option and you are definately a great mom....But he may just need alittle help (by meds) in really feeling balanced. My nephew has figured out that although he may not stop every "outburt", he can control it to some level. He's finally getting some self confidence back.

Sorry for babbling!!
(((Hugs))))

[RCT]

Mickey, your a wonderful Mother!

((((((((((((HUS))))))))))))))

[Diane]

My goodness... after doing so much research and trying so many different options for him, I'd say you're a darn good mom... definitely not a bad one. If you were a bad mom... you wouldn't have cared and tried so many different things.

My nephew's dd is on something... but I don't know what it is. She's 10 or 11, and I know my sister said there is a huge difference in her behavior when she's on something, otherwise... no one can stand being anywhere near her. (and she also said she doesn't like herself very much when she acts like that)

(((((((MICKEY))))))) Hang in there... and good luck in finding the right medication for him.

[Leigh]

((((((Mickey))))) I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad, but you must know that you ARE NOT a bad mother and you have in NO WAY failed MB.

I don't have any experience with ADHD except from the teaching side of things and I can say that sometimes the meds work wonders. I have also seen them make kids zombies, but I think once the dosage is right, it can help them out a lot.

I have been told more than once that I may be battling that with ds now, but since he is only 2, I hate to start diagnosing him this early.

[Mickey]

Thank you all so much! I cried reading your replies. This is just killing me. I have to call the doctor's office in about 15 minutes.

I read a bunch of info on medications and it made me feel sick--it just seems wrong to give a child with a developing brain amphetamines and the potential side-effects (including growth stunt and possible sudden death) scare the hell out of me, but if it will really help him to feel normal and help him to be in control of his body enough so that he can get into the habit of controlling himself (so the behavior modification efforts will be more effective) I have to consider it. I love my pediatrician and I trust him so I will see what he has to say.

Dh is not liking the ideas of meds either, but wants to do what's best for him, too. I think I need to get a strict schedule in place regardless and he needs to eat healthier so I'm also going to ask his pediatrician about the Feingold Diet, too. If he does go on meds, I want it to be successful and I will do anything else that I need to do to help him.

I am totally open to behavior modification help. I do work on that with him pretty effectively--that's the only reason I've made it this long before getting to this point. I just want any therapy to be positive because he tends to think negatively and the last thing he needs is to sit and talk about all the reasons he feels bad and how bad he feels. I think that would be awful for him. I think he needs to learn how to train himself to think more positively about everything. He has a very negative view of the world and is self-critical as well as critical of others. I am always saying, "Positive", which is our word that I say to redirect his thoughts from negative ones to positive ones, but if he felt better in general and better about himself, I'm sure the cognitive behavioral therapy would be more effective.

Anyway, thank you all again so very much. I truly value your opinions and I really appreciate your support. And I do feel better about where we are going with it.

[Melody]

Your pediatrician will work with you. If he gets stomach aches or his personality goes flat, try something else. You don't have to lose his spirited personality to be able to find his self control. And, you don't have to use a med that he has to take everyday so he could just take it on those days he has group activities. I only give dd meds on school days. I just love dd's smile when she can stay focused on a task and complete it and I know that without her meds it would be a battle for her.

This was the long hard struggle we went through with ds2. Ds1 was not so bad finding meds to work, we had to try a few but never lost hope. We did with ds2, it took years to find something that would work for him that does not affect his appetite too badly and most importantly, his mood. After trying so many, we had to stop because we were 'losing' our son. He is on one now called Bifentin (could be spelled wrong) and it's perfect, no lost boy in there. Keep trying, it can be hard, but it's not always, ds1 is a different case.

[Melody]

first off..you didn't let him down. it's not like you blithely ignored the signs. you tried other options. so stop beating yourself up.


if he had any other type of disease, you would not hesitate to treat it medically. this is also a disease.

I second that!