6 year old question....mouthy and argumentative

[RCT]

some one please tell me my son is going through normal 6 year old stuff....he can still be my sweet little boy and curl up on the recliner with me and cuddle while watching tv...but can also turn into a obstanant little brat....with an awful attidude and terrible tone of voice....yikes....like Jekyl/Hyde.....any words of wisdom?


TIA

[TXmom]

I just usually say "you're being disrespectful and I don't like it".

Hang in there - this is tough stuff isn't it?

[AnnW]

The even years are always terrible! LOL

Like Donna, I say that I won't speak to you until you talk to me respectfully.

[RCT]

Originally posted by AnnW
The even years are always terrible! LOL

OMG I have 6 and 4 year old....HELP....

I agree about the disrespect and not talking to me like that...he has spent alot of time in his room and not on the computer...

[kathleen]

Sometimes it takes us actually carrying our son (7 yrs.) into his room, putting him on his bed, and telling him that we will not talk to him until he can talk nicely, or something like that. Usually after a bit, he will come out out that phase. Sometimes, he will get a bit more mouthy. He has said before that we don't care about him, he hates us, yada, yada, yada. It just kills my husband -- gets him so upset. I tell him to ignore it. Then, when my son gets calmed down he will come out of his room and apologize. When we says he is sorry, I always ask him WHY he is sorry, tell him how he hurt me, then we hug and get to doing what we were supposed to be doing in the first place (dinner time, homework time, chores, etc.)

On a few occassions when we have put him in his room he has fallen asleep -- I know then that part of the reason he is acting up is because he is tired.

[SMB]

My son can get like that too, I always ask him "who are you talking to like that?" Then we try to let him know he can be angry, frustrated, etc. without talking like that. I very much try to watch my own tone of voice when I am angry with them and try to point out that I'm angry but not using a mean voice.
Sheryl

[KarlaB]

I can relate!! I like the ideas given here!! My oldest ds gets like this sometimes, too, and I tell him it's not acceptable to talk to me that way and I'll listen when he can talk nicely. (Mind you, this doesn't always work!) He also tends to be more bossy and sassy after being round his older cousins, so I try time outs when he doesn't take the cue to stop. Good luck!!!

[littlesista06]

Renee, I hear ya. Dd doesn't talk back, but she seems to think she can raise her voice to her dad and me.... uh, no I don't think so. It's rare when that happens.
The problem now, is baby talk - ugh!!! I can't stand that. I tell her I won't talk to a baby, I'll talk to a big girl.

[Leigh]

I have no advice. I just wanted to offer my support and say that i hope the phase is over soon. {{{{RENEE}}}} Hang in there.

[Cathy]

I could give you the whole thing about "attempting independence, self confidence, and testing limits", but it all boils down to kids are a royal pain at times. Just when you begin to despair, they do something wonderful (that lasts for about 6 seconds, and wipes out the memory of the previous 3 months!). Hang in there.

[RCT]

he just seems so angry. everything is an arguement....its weird, especially since we had our conferrence with his teachers and they all raved at what a wonderully behaved child and so layed back....AHEEM....where is that kid....He has already lost the computer for the entire weekend and nintendo.

He is off the rest of the week, and to tell you the truth....I am not looking forward to it. dd is ok most of the time, but when he gets into his moods, well it just creates a domino effect down to her. OH please...I guess I am just venting here....dh has to work this weekend...and that is really a good thing...we need the business. but I hate being the COP....thanks for all your kind words of Hanging in there...and I am not going to be talked to like that...he can spend his vacation in his room...that place with all those toys he doesn't play with...

[Leigh]

Renee, I came across this article while I was doing some research for one of my classes. I haven't even read it, but from looking at the title, I thought it might help you, so I thought that I would post it. I hope it helps!

Taming Back Talk
HOW TO SOFTEN THEIR SASS
by Jan Faull

Parents everywhere are distressed by an epidemic raging out of control. It begins when kids are as young as three and only grows worse through the teen years. Like any epidemic, it travels contagiously from one child to the next. The epidemic? Mouthy kids who talk back and act downright rude and defiant.

It's not so much what kids are saying that's inappropriate, but how they're saying it. So it's up to parents to teach children that while it's good to offer their point of view, it should be offered without a surly tone of voice or insult. "I hate McDonald's. I'm not going" is very different from "I really like Burger King better than McDonald's. Could we please go there instead?" Both comments render an opinion, the first mouthy, the second polite.

If that mouthy talk sounds all too familiar, read on for some parenting pointers and expert techniques that can end the epidemic in your home.

Jan Faull, a child-development and behavior specialist, is in her 25th year as a parent-education instructor and public speaker. She is the author of the recently published UNPLUGGING POWER STRUGGLES as well as MOMMY! I HAVE TO GO POTTY!, a guide to toilet training. Faull lives with her husband and three children in Renton, Washington.




THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Only a couple of generations ago, children never thought of mouthing off. So how did it happen that children went from being seen and not heard, to talking back as a matter of habit?

According to Ronald Dahl, professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, "It's because parents of generations past didn't tolerate back talk in any way. If a child mouthed off, he was punished immediately."

Today, parents often respond to back talk with what Dr. Dahl calls intermittent reinforcement—when a parent occasionally gives in to a child's disrespectful demands. This only increases the likelihood that insolent comments will continue.

THE PROBLEM WITH GIVING IN
You decide to chose another dress for your seven-year-old to wear because she screamed, "You can't make me wear that dress, get away!" When you do, you can almost guarantee that her response will once again be negative. It's not wrong to help her find another dress, just don't do so until she uses a more pleasant tone of voice and more respectful language.

Why is it so difficult for parents to stop their child and say, "There is a nice way to say that. Please try again"? For two reasons, says Dr. Dahl:
1) Parents today are too busy. It's easier to just find another dress.
2) Many parents today will do almost anything to keep their children from experiencing discomfort.

Rather than frustrating the child by expecting her to express her needs respectfully, parents often give in to avoid a fuss, but are left feeling bullied and powerless. Meanwhile children develop impolite speech patterns that are hard to change. When you allow your children to speak uncontrollably, you do them a disservice.







Part of your role as a parent, after all, is to set firm limits and serve as a good example. In doing so, remember the following pointers:

• Make it known which topics are open for negotiation and which aren't. Hear your child out, but have the confidence to say no. Then, hold to it even if your "no" flares your child's temper.

• There's no reason to try to convince your child of your point of view. Explain your reasons once but don't go on and on thinking your child will eventually say, "Oh, I understand since you explained it so well, Mom. No problem, I get it."

• You must model respectful language yourself. If you stand hands on hips, finger pointed at your three-year-old while saying, "Get your coat on right now young man," you can be sure that your preschooler will try out this same communication technique sometime. The rule is simple: Speak to your children as you expect them to speak to you. And it's not only your words. Watch your body language and tone of voice as well.

You can teach your children to voice their point of view respectfully, but it takes work and determination on your part. Keep in mind that you, your child and society all benefit when children learn to communicate effectively with consideration for you and others.





Below are options for you to use when your children exhibit disrespect. Work to incorporate a variety of responses into your parenting repertoire, keeping in mind this goal: You want your children to learn to express their opinion, but in a way that's courteous and includes a pleasant tone of voice. But be realistic; you're teaching communication skills that take years to refine.

BLUNT TALK
When your three-year-old is too blunt—"These potatoes are icky, Grandma. They're making me sick!" (accompanied by gagging sounds)—use these two tricks to teach your child polite language:

1. Rather than reprimand your toddler, express to Grandma what he has said, but appropriately, without insult: "Sam doesn't care for potatoes, but he loves your fruit salad."

2. On the way to Grandma's next time, help Sam practice ways he can decline certain foods gracefully without being rude: "No, thank you, Grandma. I don't care for mashed potatoes."

DEFIANCE
When your five-year-old blurts out, "I'm not going to Grandma's. It's boring there, and you can't make me," respond with either:

1. "Go ahead and tell me you don't want to go to Grandma's, but please say it in a nicer way," or

2. "Please don't talk that way to me. Say this instead: 'I really don't like going to Grandma's. There's nothing for me to do.'" Here you provide the child with the actual words to express herself in a more acceptable way. Then suggest, "Maybe you can take a friend along or watch a video there."

COMPLAINTS
When you hear this from your eight-year-old, "Doing the dishes is no fair. What am I? Your slave?" come back with either:

1. "Talking like that is rude and disrespectful. In this family we don't talk like that," or

2. "This conversation is over for me. I'm willing to talk to you, but when you're out of control, I'm finished." Then turn and walk away.

Realize it does no good to shout back, "Don't you ever talk that way to me." Screaming matches serve no purpose. When your child quiets himself and you're calm, all you need to say is, "I know it seems unfair, but in this family we all take turns helping. Your favorite TV program is on tonight, but the TV won't go on until the dishes are done." Don't argue further. The child has a choice to make. Let him make it.

[Jeff]

Originally posted by RCT
he just seems so angry. everything is an arguement....its weird, especially since we had our conferrence with his teachers and they all raved at what a wonderully behaved child and so layed back....AHEEM....where is that kid....He has already lost the computer for the entire weekend and nintendo.

He is off the rest of the week, and to tell you the truth....I am not looking forward to it. dd is ok most of the time, but when he gets into his moods, well it just creates a domino effect down to her. OH please...I guess I am just venting here....dh has to work this weekend...and that is really a good thing...we need the business. but I hate being the COP....thanks for all your kind words of Hanging in there...and I am not going to be talked to like that...he can spend his vacation in his room...that place with all those toys he doesn't play with...

I think kids need some down time and if he is on his best behavior all the time, then it sounds like when he gets home he needs some time to release. I know those days when I deal with adults all day I am on my best behavior and when I get home, I need a safe place to be me. Sometimes that is bitchy and sometimes its being a total spaz...you get the idea.

[AnnW]

Jeff, I definitely agree that a child needs a "safe" place to explode, and that's why usually get it at home..they have worked so hard to keep it together and "be good" at school, they implode when they get home. Think about it too, how we will snap at our spouses cause we know we 'can', it doesn't mean that we don't love them.
BUT, that being said, I think Leigh's article brings up very good points that you can express your feelings but you can do it nicely or somewhere else.
I tell my kids many time, if you need to calm down or get this out of your system go to your room.
When dh is overloaded or grumpy, he goes to his "cave" to calm down! LOL

Leigh, great article!

[Leigh]

Thanks. I just got back to read the article, so I am glad that it was okay. I usually don't post things until I have read them, but I took a chance on this one.