How would you handle this

[Amy]

My 5 1/2 yr old dd has gotten into the habit of playing power trips on me. In the morning, she doesn't want to pick out her own clothes, so when I pick them out, she has a tantrum because she doesn't like my choice. Every morning before school she has one. I usually just let her steep in her room until she is ready to get over it. I basically ignore her, but it makes us late for getting her to school and things get too hurried by then. She gets up early enough, so she shouldn't ever feel rushed.

Now she is starting to give me the business at night too. Tonight she got mad because I gave away a video of hers (she hasn't watched it in over a year) to our church for their yard sale. I very patiently explained the money they made was used to feed the poor and that was much better than having a movie she never watched. She had to of known this was a good thing, but she had it in her head she wanted to argue. THAN she started in on me that her friend's mom loved her friend more than anything in the world and she gets all the toys she wants and never gets yelled at. This girl IS very sweet, but is an only child (the Mom can't have anymore kids); so she is quite spoiled. I told dd she doesn't even LIKE to play with toys (she rather be running around) and that I like to save our money to do fun family things (going to the ocean, Disney etc). I asked her what she thought Love was. She said toys and a Mom who never yells at her. I told her I doubt her friend is as mouthy and disrespectful as she is. She told me she doesn't like me. after she realized she was not winning this argument and told me to move away. I said fine and got ds and headed out the door. It was only than that she backed down and started to cry. I told her I am tired of arguing with her all the time and how hard it is for me to have to run this house by myself on top of it all. I sent her to her room for the night and told her she will soon find out what lack of love really means. If she doesn't shape up, than she will not receive what I think it is to love a child.

I know I sound like a horrible Mom, but I have lost my perspective on this and am just tired of dealing with it. If I had the patience of Job, I would work Magic 123 on her, but that takes away too much time on top of everything else I have to do. Any advice without bashing poor old sick me? LOL

[kacee]

I think you are being patient with her and more than diplomatic. I know so parents who would have spanked her. My dd is an only child. She tries to do the same kind of thing. Her attitude is really difficult at times. She is a whinner, and has a had time appreciating anything. I really don't have any advice for you except that this stage seems to last a very long time. There will be good days though. Remember to charish them and keep loving her more.

[RCT]

{{{{{{{HUGS TO YOU}}}}}}}}}} I think the ages of 5 and 6 are the " I am not loved enough, and I can hurt my mommy with words" Stage.... I don't think your terrible, ds will fight with me about what color cup he gets in the morning for breakfast, full blown tears...the works...and then tell me how his friends at school have a better Mommy than me....OCH.....

I think your doing great....sometime they can be so hurtful, they don't realize the power of words, so we as the Adults have to be rational, (yeah, like that is always easy) I think you handled it well....I have sometimes yelled at ds, and acted just like a 5 year old myself.....sending them to their rooms won't kill them, and when your both ready to talk about it, the time will be right....hang in there honey...things will be better soon, or so I have been told.....

[AnnW]

Isn't that such a special age???

Magic 1-2-3 isn't really all that hard.
My kids did that at this age (still try), what I learned from Magic 1-2-3 and that by engaging in the word battles with them you were giving them the power.
So if the argument is about clothes, I say "you may wear this or this, we are leaving in "X" minutes", and then I leave the room. If she is not ready at the alotted time, pick up her clothes, put them in the backpack and take her to school in what she is wearing.

We live in a fairly affluent neighborhood, and my kids see alot of excess. Whenever it comes up about how many things little Johnny or little Debbie has, I just simply say "We do not choose to spend our money that way. Money has nothing to do with how much someone loves someone" If they keep going back to the "well, she is loved" more routine, I usually say "I am sorry you feel that way", and nothing else. I don't try to justify to my kids our spending decisions.

I think the hardest thing when you get into a word battle with your kids is to STOP, don't do it...state what you want and then BE QUIET. I have finally learned to just walk away. They try to come after you with the "but, but, but", BUT if you aren't talking back to them, they don't get real far.

Good luck. Sounds like you are on the right track!

[Leigh]

I really don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I hope it gets better soon. Could some of it be because dh is gone? I know this must be difficult for you, so keep on venting. We'll keep on listening.

[KarlaB]

Hang in there Amy! What a tough time to be handling alone. I like the advice you got about being quiet and not being sucked into the battle - sometimes easier said than done, but well worth it if you can do it. I think you are handling things well, but it's always nice to get new perspectives.

I think I can relate to some of what you are going thru!! Ds lately has been telling me, "If you don't let me (fill in blank with just about anything that I say no to) then I won't love you anymore." HELLO?! I have tried telling him this hurts my feelings, isn't nice to say, etc. Didn't phase him. I know this is going to sound HORRIBLE, but I said to him, "I guess we better find you a mom that you will love." He instantly changed his mind about not loving me. Same thing when he once told me he wanted a new mom. I told him next time we were at the mall we'd have to look for a new one. It sounds cruel and hurtful, but it made him think about it and realize the one he has isn't so bad. He never again told me he wanted a new mom and so far hasn't told me he doesn't love me over trivial issues. We'll see. I don't want to scare him or anything like that and he knows he is VERY loved .

[JeannieOR]

I actually liked your statement about looking for a new mom at the mall. Karla B.

Amy/CO, you are so totally not alone. I went though something similar with dd and now I'm going though it with ds. What helped with dd is to have a pictorial list of all the things she needed to get done to get ready for school. If she got ready fast enough, she got to watch cartoon. I gave up suggesting what she should wear. I just made sure that all the clothes in her closet were approiate for school. We're doing a lot better now. I don't know what to do with ds, though.

[AnnW]

Originally posted by JeannieOR
If she got ready rast enough, she got to watch cartoon. I gave up suggesting what she should wear. I just made sure that all the clothes in her closet were approiate for school. We're doing a lot better now. I don't know what to do with ds, though.

Yep, we cut out the tv and such in the am till they were dressed and beds made too. It has made mornings so much better.
I also let my kids pick out their clothes. I make sure everything in their closet is ok, and let them pick. Now, dd does go to school in some interesting combinations, but her hair is always brushed and we don't fight anymore about what she wears.

[kat]

[[[hugs]]] Hang in there Amy. It's tough doing it alone and dd may be testing you to see if you're up to the challenge. None of us are experts, if we were we'd be making millions with the books we'd write. You're doing just fine, but you are in control. Kids need to know that you are in control in order to feel safe and secure. With dh gone she may be wondering about that security. I don't know, just arm chair psychology on my part.

Loved Ann's comment: I say "you may wear this or this, we are leaving in "X" minutes", and then I leave the room. If she is not ready at the alotted time, pick up her clothes, put them in the backpack and take her to school in what she is wearing. Bet she'd be dressed before you got her to school. Ann you crack me up.

[AnnW]

Originally posted by kat
[[[hugs]]] Loved Ann's comment: I say "you may wear this or this, we are leaving in "X" minutes", and then I leave the room. If she is not ready at the alotted time, pick up her clothes, put them in the backpack and take her to school in what she is wearing. Bet she'd be dressed before you got her to school. Ann you crack me up.

You only have to do it once! LOL

[Amy2]

Amy, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I purposely didn't read any responses yet, because I wanted to try to respond to you without being influenced by all the other ideas.

First of all, I think you can't have a power struggle without two people engaging in it. And because you are the adult, it is your job to disengage. This does not mean backing down. This means, not engaging. She says "Susie's mom loves her more than you love me" you can simply say "Wow, Susies mom must love her a LOT because I love you to the moon and the stars and past the sky!" Then you can go on to say "No, I love you more than the whole ocean!! No, ten billion zillion!!!" You don't have to engage when she is obviously trying to provoke you. Don't go where she is, keep in a postive place. If she comes back with more, you simply say "Hmmmm...that's something." And go on.

As to the video thing, I think you were generous to donate the video, but perhaps you should have talked to her about it first. I think I posted this, because I just read it recently, that children have very little in a household that is "theirs" only. Their toys. Sometimes a toy has sentimental value to them, or brings them back to a happy time in the past, or maybe it's just that it's HERS. I would consider apologizing and saying that it was wrong of you to take her things without asking her. That you thought that because she is such a generous girl that she wouldn't mind donating it to those less fortunate than her, but you should have asked her first. That would make her feel respected by you.

The morning thing is really hard. Tristan and I take turns laying out cloths the night before. He will say "It's your night to lay things out" or if it's his night, he might ask "Would you lay them out tonight?" This helps tremendously in the morning. And as I think I posted before, he can't do ANYTHING in the morning without his bed made and him being dressed. So if this is the rule and you simply stick to it. Eventually she will get it. It might be a struggle for a few days, but if you calmly and firmly stick to your guns without re explaining yourself, then she will have to finally accept it.

At Tristan's school, his teachers are totally cool with the kids showing up in their PJs with their clothes in a bag. They understand the power struggle thing, and really support parents. You tell her "Sweetie, you have five minutes to get dressed, and if you're not dressed, you'll have to go to school in your pjs" and then DO IT. I'm sure you won't have to have that arguement again!

One two three magic only works if you stick with it. NO waffling, because these kids are so smart, they will be onto you in a heartbeat if you sway one iota.

Hope you get this worked out. Until the next thing!

Amy

[Amy]

Thank you all for yor kind words. She woke up this morning and asked if I was still mad at her. I said no, but I was still coolish with her. She was treating ds like a gem, and was very polite to me. It took about an hour before i couldn't take it anymore and told her we can be Mommy and YaYa again. She started crying and she was good all morning. I even tested her by picking out nice clothes that she always whines about. She put them on without a peep, but later said she put them on eventhough she doesn't like them.
'
I totally believe in Magic 123, but you have to understand that takes a lot of consistency and since dh is gone, I'm usually doing three things at one time. Yesterday was the sprinkler fiasco, my boss all of a sudden doesn't like his logo, bills needed to be paid and delivered, I also have a semi-potty trained ds, a dog who throws up daily after he eats his chewy too fast and etc. I don't try and engage in an argument and leave her in her room, but it usually takes her 10 min. to get control and that makes us late for school on a daily basis. it just puts me in the wrong frame of mind first thing in the morning. Im just struggling to keep it all together and cohesive.

from now on, no engaging in non-winning arguments and she gets sent to her room for the night if she starts up. If its in the morning, I'll make her go in her pajamas. But then I have to listen to her scream bloody murder the whole way to school and that will give me a migrane too....

[AnnW]

Hang in there sweetie!!! Wish I was there to lend a hand! (or at least a margarita!!!! LOL)

[Ryleigh]

My sympathies Amy.
Sounds like your dd caughed whatever it is mine is suffering from. The "let's see how far we can push mommy" virus.
My dd is doing much better since her major blow up last week. Hopefully it will last. She still has her moments, but any improvement is welcome.
Hang in there. You'll make it through this. Just try and stay positive and not let her know she is bothering you.
She is likely looking for your reaction.

[Amy]

I'll take a margarita, or beer, or wine or straight vodka by now!! ROFL!!!